Tree feelings

I got dangerously close to meltdown stage on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  And I blame my self (partially) for not sitting down with Mark and telling him how I think we might do things differently with the holidays this year...starting with the annual jaunt to the tree farm.

I felt overtired, stressed, and OVER IT by the time we started bickering over stringing lights on the tree.  (I HATE that part most of all)  I also dislike slogging through crowds and mud and driving an hour both ways to pay an exorbitant amount for a tree, and pressuring our peeps to go along with a tradition they are no longer interested in.  For a gigantic a$$ tree that they won't see again until Christmas week.  So, we talked about it, and decided we will change it up next year.  And yes, I will remind him about it next November.  I mean, its pretty and all.  But its time to let that particular tradition either fade away, or do it differently, simple as that.

Which brings me to the "kid tree" which was always something we loved putting up each year with everyone getting a special ornament.  But do the math: 4 kids times 20 ornaments plus assorted ornaments they made me in school over the years = a couple of hours to decorate.  And again, none of them live here (unless you count Grayson who will be home for winter break).  So this year I chose to pull out a few special "kid" ornaments, fill in with red ornaments I wasn't using on the front room tree, and call it done about halfway decorated.  Its plenty.  And perhaps for this vintage tree, we were overloading it anyway.  And maybe we need to stop putting up two trees anyway...we'll have to decide that next Christmas, too.

So many feelings and changes and stress.  Over Christmas trees?  I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

Hopeful

These two make a cute couple and they seem to enjoy each others' company:

So I'm hopeful that
they can stay friends through whatever comes their way
that the happiness they feel today lasts a long time
that they can both see the bigger picture in life
that she can accept his faults and shortcomings, and that he will do the same for her
that her daughter will always be a priority in her life and he will respect and nurture that
and that I can stay out of their bizness and just enjoy seeing them whenever I can

****** 

 P.S.  Who knew that being a parent wouldn't get easier as your kids grew older?  What other job is there in the world that pays in happiness and worry and tears...and is constantly changing?  

And lasts literally, forever. 

Doing something new

A couple of months ago I got a wild hair after reading a blog post from one of my favorite wine websites, Texas Wine Lover. 

Infinite Monkey Theorem

Since Hubby and I love to travel and explore and see what's new in wineries all around us, could I maybe write a post or two for them, I wondered?  I wasn't looking for a job, just a fun way to channel some of that energy I am no longer spending on raising kids, dontcha know.

Red Wing Dove

So I sent the editor an email that said "do you ever let people write random posts for your blog?"  And he said  "Thanks for the email. I am always looking for good writers. It sounds like you two love traveling and visiting new wineries like us! Do you have any examples of your previous writing?"  So I sent some links to some places Mark and I went where we had fun.

Wedding Oak Winery

Then he said: 

"I pay $35 for a general blog post and $40 if it's about a winery we haven't written about yet. If I ever get to the point of breaking even with the website and even a profit, those amounts will go up. The perks are nice though when visiting wineries and you flash your TWL business card."

I see you've been a subscriber for a year now, so you probably have a good feel about how we write. Let me take a look at some of your writing and get a few other opinions too. If you decide now you're not interested, then please let me know that too. Cheers!"

Three Dudes Winery

I visited the first winery he asked me to, wrote about it, and he published it.  Then he did that four more times.  I am surely green as a bean at this reporting gig, but I think, "well,why can't I learn this something new?"  And he has shown faith in me which is no small thing, so I am determined to give it my best.  Today marks two months since that first email and he has sent me business cards and added me to the website.https://txwinelover.com/about/meet-our-team/

Augusta Vin

So I get to write about something I love: Texas wines.  Each time, I am learning a little bit more about what the website is looking for, what facts are important in the articles, and getting a little bit more excited about the possibility of WRITING, my thoughts, my ideas, my experiences, all for someone else to read.  And also getting to do something FUN.  I'm pretty happy about the possibilities of learning and doing this something new.

 

Shenanigans are happening, I can feel it

I would be shocked if any of my near and dears read either of my blogs, so I'm not worried in the least to state on here that probably Grayson is up to his eyeballs in your garden variety college shenanigans.  After all, his parents, being who they are, found plenty of ways to do things besides studying while they were in college*.

The view of his apartments from the top of the parking garage

And the reason I think that is that 1. He was texting up a storm at the table while we waited for our food to be delivered, and 2. He refused to let us come up to his apartment afterwards.  I mean he even went so far as to say he would just put everything we brought into the bed of the Baja and come back later for it.  Huh?  "No", I said, "let me just help you take it in".  He then stated that the apartment was "dirty" to which I looked at him like "how can it be dirtier than you left your room at home?"  So he loaded up his arms with two plants in pots, a frying pan with a lid, and a beach towel after giving us a hug goodbye and went quickly inside the garage door leading into the building.  Probably so I couldn't follow him...  I know he's up to something, I just don't know what.  And I probably don't want to know.  But I tell you this:  the grades had best reflect that he did his best this semester cause Mom and Dad don't pay for C's.  The shenanigans might have their place but they better not be getting in the way of what he's there to do.

*train jumping, skipping class, selling plasma to pay for drinks out...you know, the usual

Now what?

My mother is getting on in age - 89 this year.  And while we're concerned about her physical limitations sometimes, its her mental disposition that has me worried lately.  Recently I visited her to take her lunch and a chair that Mark had repaired for her (again).  I wasn't in the door 5 minutes before she told me to come into the living room so she could talk to me.  To make a long story short, she laid into me.  She said I yelled at her in a previous phone conversation, called her a "bore", and said I told her "I was sick of hearing" about her eye troubles.  I was flabbergasted!  Those words did not come out of my mouth.  When I told her that, she said I was either a liar or losing more than my hearing.  She said she was "quoting me" which could not have been so.  When I reminded her of the facts regarding my interest (phone calls and letters) and involvement in her safety (taking her for errands, helping her clean, bringing her lunch, fixing various things) she sneered and said "Oh yes, you are the perfect mother".  She had a lot of negatives to say about my sister Alene, too.  She told me she's been having bad dreams - could she have dreamt I said something?

I was so shocked at all she was going on about that I didn't even cry.  There is no basis for anything she said and I had spoken to her a couple of times that week and she seemed perfectly reasonable.  If I am not being a good daughter, with actions that speak for themselves, then what can I even say?  She was insistent in her belief that I had done wrong.  So I calmly told her I would fix her a good lunch, then leave. The rest of the "visit" was so awkward.  She asked me if I wanted to "come look at this quilt you're not interested in" - again, something I never said.  It was hard to turn the other cheek, but I did the best I could.  She wouldn't allow me to clean or do anything to help her around the house or take her anywhere, which made it a rather wasted trip.  After lunch I hugged her and said goodbye.  Then I went directly to meet my friend Carol at Saddlehorn a little earlier than we had planned.  And it was so good to talk to Carol, who also has aging parents.

     I'm not sure what the next step is in ensuring she has safe and happy golden years.  Now I am a little more worried about the possibility that she has some dementia.  What to do? 

I miss my Dylan

Mother's Day BBQ, 2019
 

Hubby thinks its a good thing that we don't hear from him more often - a sign that he is making it on his own.  He's off living his adult life and doing what he should.  But I sure do miss him coming around.  And I will never stop worrying over things like: are you eating properly? Have you checked your tire pressure lately?  Are you taking care of your teeth?  

I know all of that is silly so I don't pry, but Dylan is only 23 and I worry!
Yesterday someone at work told me that since Dylan is a middle child that he will always be the forgotten one - like that kid in Home Alone.  This person has no kids and couldn't possibly know how much I love and cherish my Dylan.

Hopefully we will see he and Michelle at our family BBQ on the 17th.  He doesn't need me to Mother him anymore, not in the sense of giving him free advice or helping him with laundry or fixing him a plate of dinner...but I sure want to see him more!

Ancia ahead

Grayson's transfer to A&M was declined.  Cue sad face.  And when he called to ask about it, basically it boiled down to his grades not being competitive.  He can try again for NEXT Fall.  There is no appeal and there was no way to bring up his GPA (from a 2.92) in time to reapply for Fall.  Times awastin', let's go to Plan B.  Besides, he can apply to grad school there if thats in his plan.

He applied straight away to Texas State and within 2 weeks was accepted.  (I'm not sure why he didn't consider TS before - the same thing happened with Chloe when she did not get into the Coast Guard Academy) So now he (we) are in a time crunch of sorts - classes start Aug. 26.  It will be stressful, but it will also be exciting and there is lots to do.  He has to complete on-line orientation, get advised, find a place to live, acquire books/clothes/supplies and get settled in before classes start.  Each of those things hinges on the other.  And until I know where my kid will live I feel a little stressed.  I guess once that is settled I can focus on the financial side of it and that will cause some stress, too, but its something we will figure out.  

And I know as the last few weeks of summer fly by, I will have a hard time with the last one leaving the house.  Its inevitable but that won't mean it won't be a struggle for me. 

And when I think on all the new things ahead of him, I worry for him, too.

Still waiting

We still don't have an answer from the university Gray applied to at the end of the spring semester about whether his transfer was accepted.   We are trying not to harp on him and are only making an inquiry every now and then.  But it is a little nerve wracking.  Meanwhile, he isn't working any more hours than he normally did, is spending a lot of time sleeping in and on the computer and is still hanging out with his (ex?) girlfriend.  I'm not prying and its super hard...but I do sit down in his room with him every couple of days to check on him and ask him how life is going and if he has anything he wants to share with me that is his chance.   I barely ever see him, but he is here with us all the time.  A paradox, for sure.  It feels like the Summer of Waiting.   Waiting for things to happen at work and at home.  Waiting for a vacation, a day off, and some relief from boredom.  Waiting for bad news or good.  Waiting to see where Gray will be in August - studying and living.  Waiting for answers to other things before we can move forward with plans at Highlands.  Waiting on the inevitable empty nest and whatever it brings.  Waiting to hear from the other three, good news or bad.  Feeling unsure and trying not to worry.  The waiting is definitely the hardest part.

A List for Parents of Things to Do

Mark about drove me to say bad words this morning as he arranged a "conference call" to a person he didn't even know at the A&M admissions office.  Without some sort of agenda for the call, it was an exercise in futility.  I get that he wants to help expedite a process, but seriously.

I think that we have to go about this the right way - with a plan at least, or a script for talking to people and for God's sake, get a NAME of who you talked to before.  And I would much rather coach Grayson (if that's even needed, which I think it probably is) on what questions to ask for specific information rather than just take over.  Plus, if you're going to include me, which he did, maybe get my input?  Maybe don't tell me that once Gray gets into A&M (if he even does with his C in calculus) that you are done helping and going to wash your hands of it?  Maybe don't make me want to throttle you in the morning just before you need to leave for work?

Gray has had a rough week and I want him to have time to process what is going on in his personal life and get his wits about him so he can be an active participant in moving forward to a university.  We need to sit down and make a plan.

Dream feelings #6

I am in a high school that looks very grungy, industrial.  Its all shades of grey and black - very dark.  I am meant to be parking in the underground garage to pick up Spencer and there are dark figures milling around in there.  I don't feel particularly safe, but I am not leaving without him.  A couple of them try to engage me - but I somehow brush them off and proceed up some concrete stairs until I reach a room where Spencer is sleeping in a bunk.  It looks like a prison.  There are a couple of other boys asleep in the room, too.  I wake him up feeling panicky that I wasn't there right when school let out.  Why is he asleep?  How long has he been waiting for me?  He is groggy, but gets up to go.  We have to find our way back down to the parking garage and locate my car.  I am ignoring sketchy people all the way down the stairwell to find my car.   The dream ends before we find the car, but I felt determined, like I had the situation, bleak as it was, well in hand.  When I woke from this dream, it made me feel very sad = had I let him down?  Spencer looked so young and lost.  Though I felt like I had to keep going until I found him and brought him out of that place,  I wasn't sure that I was going to be successful at it.  I just knew I couldn't give up.

******

Just typing out this dream makes me feel like crying.  Spencer came over for Mother's Day dinner last night and I thought that he looked good - so young.  He's making his way through life as a young adult and I hope he is happy.  I guess I still have worries and concerns over whether or not I did a good job as his mom - I felt very unsure of myself at times but I was determined  to stay the course for him and do my best.  

Dream feelings #5

We are living in a big barndominium that has walls that do not connect with the ceiling, and I know we share the roof with another family on the other side of the wall.  Its only Grayson and I home and I and I am trying to put him to bed for the night.  I hear voices in his room and discover there is another child there, one that I do not recognize, playing with Gray. They have these small cello-wrapped packages of small gadgets that look electronic, almost alien.  I cannot figure out what they are.  Happy Meal or Cracker Jacks toys?  I tell the other child he must go, its Gray's bedtime.  I must have ushered the kid to the front door because on the other side of the wall nearby I hear people laughing and talking.  I loudly shush them and they hush.  I return to Gray's room and he is sitting up in bed awake, so I tell him he really has to go to bed now!  I notice his bed is atop a platform that has multiple drawers below it.  In the drawers are not much besides small toys, trash, a sock here and there...none of it is clean or organized and I wonder to myself when the last time was that I changed his sheets or cleaned his room.  I am back at the front door where two women who look to be adult mother and younger daughter, are showing me strings of outdoor lights with red bulbs.  They are dressed like straight out of the 80's and have dark hair.  The dream ends.

****** 

This dream actually made me teary eyed when I awoke.  I feel kind of torn up about Gray leaving home to go to college, but I know its past time for that to happen.  I keep hoping he will get accepted to A&M- I cannot picture him languishing at SHSU.  He is such a bright bulb - makes good grades, does whatever we ask of him.  I know I will miss him so much.  The barndominium - what we plan on building at Highlands.  The gadgets - tied in to his engineering degree plan.  The disorderly room - his current room! (and me trying not to mother him so hard) The dark haired women - me.  The light strings - some we have at Highlands that we replaced the bulbs in on Saturday.

Oy vey.

Smarter, not harder

I think its nice to sit on reflect on the "happy" in my life - I need to do that more often.  But this Spring there's been a lot of physical stuff making me feel less so.  For most of it I know how it got started.  I have done a lot of yard work lately and I know that pushing myself to get things done on my two days off is starting to wear on my almost 59 year old body.  Well, actually one day since Mark insists we leave for Highlands on Saturdays by noon.  Push and shove, rushing, and trying to do too much.  A recipe for pain.

*Two weeks ago I had cystitis that laid me low.  I thought I merely needed to drink some more water and I could nip it in the bud like magic.  Apparently, no, you just have to survive it until it goes away, and sometimes, it won't.  Motrin wasn't cutting it, so an after-hours doc called me in some Toradol.  A couple of doses later I could feel the pain lessening it's grip and it finally waned.  But there's something about having that kind of pain off and on for a week that wears you out.
*Then a few days after that, I was finishing planting some lariope in the backyard before it started raining.  It was also the morning we were going to leave for SHSU on a campus visit with Grayson.  I managed to strain my back, pulling a muscle which was already aching from all the raking and yard work I had been doing in the two weeks leading up to that.
*Finally, on Saturday as I was again rushing to come to a stopping point on some yard work out front, I hauled some very heavy bags of mulch out of my car.  Three of them.  Which didn't used to be a problem for me, but I don't think I am strong enough to do that anymore.  And I strained my left arm as I was trying to be careful with my right arm.  Spasms all evening.

******

So Easter Sunday I tried to take it easy and I got to bed early and spent the day drinking a lot of water and I even napped. My plan going forward this week is to wait until Saturday to complete the landscaping projects I want to work on.  Get lots of sleep this week.  Drink lots of water.  Continue my healthy eating plan.  And focus on taking care of myself.  Plus, maybe I need to change the way I work on these outside projects - working smarter, not harder.  And not rushing.

Dream feelings #4

I can't make this post short and sweet - Hubby looked at me like I had grown another head when I told him this one...

 

I am holding a fat baby covered in sores - or are they patches of eczema - and wearing a light blue onesie.  I don't recall ever bathing this baby - next time I need to tend to his sores.  We are at a long table with Mark next to me, and a 4 year old Chloe next to him.  There are many other people there and we are all seated at long tables.  I look over my left shoulder and see a large shape I can't quite figure out - its on a window ledge or window seat.  The colors are greens, yellows, browns.  I recognize scales and it starts moving.  I yell to Mark and he yells to everyone that it's an anaconda. It turns into a giant blue and black fish that swims in air.   Everyone is jumping up and screaming.  I am holding the baby who is getting really heavy and a lady rushes up to me, thrusting an old Blackberry out to me telling me to call the daycare right next to us while she goes to get help and warn them.  Why didn't she just take her phone?  I have a hard time remembering the number she is giving me and she repeats it several times.  She says to not press the last number until I am ready to call so I don't use up her minutes.  The last number is a four.  When I do this and call, a former co-worker picks up.  I tell her there is a problem at our daycare (so we are all at some sort of daycare) and that I have a baby by the way, and he sure is heavy.  I am struggling to hold him.  She laughs and says she will come right over.  I look back towards the building as I am standing outside of it and see a bizarre scene.  Everyone is in tattered rags, holding up some sort of animal over their heads with both hands, swaying.  (are those fish?  otters?  seals?)  The place looks post-apocalyptic.  The building are no more than shacks.  The ground is bumpy and covered in weeds.  Everyone is wearing tattered brown clothes.  The sky is a very weird color - everything looks so lifeless but there are so many people.  The dream ends.

******

Why am I having such vivid dreams?

Mind your own

I've been trying to limit my time on Facebook, and I have actually culled through some of the people and places I "follow".  But one of the things I had been doing lately was "checking in" whenever Hubby and I found a new place to try.  After all, we work hard during the week so that we can have fun on the weekends.  Nothing wrong with that.  We don't go have a beer or bottle of wine to get drunk.  {and if I do have too much, its by accident and always at home where I let my guard down!!} We go to sit and admire scenery, or listen to music, or play cards, or have conversation in places with other happy people.  And guess what?  We are legal drinking age.
 {and have been for 40 years...}

 Acopon Brewing Co.

So when someone at work suggested OUT LOUD to everyone in earshot that "Gina is always posting about where she's drinking"  I felt embarrassed.  I immediately went on to my FB account and deleted a lot of posts that referenced drinking - I don't want to send the wrong message to anyone.  And if one person thinks that, maybe others do, too.  And yes, I know that the core issue here is people minding other peoples' business and broadcasting it at work.  So maybe work people and FB don't mix and that's the real problem.  I don't know.  I don't think I should have to justify how I spend my free time.  I worked SEVENTEEN years on weekends, opposite Hubby's schedule.  And now we are doing what everyone else does who works Monday through Friday.  We are enjoying our days off together.  So I'll post about that less, and you FB peeps can mind your own.

A simple pleasure

Mark likes to remark that he doesn't need a lot of money.  That's it all about "scale and scope" when we go out to eat or drink.  I agree - it doesn't take fancy to make me happy - I'm definitely not into over-dressing as well as over-paying just to get out of the house for an hour or two.  And that's fine, because there are some very wallet friendly places that I love to visit.

Like getting a beer at Celis.  Or any of the other places we like to visit: Save the World, Oskar Blues, 4th Tap, Adelbert's, San Gabriel Brewing Co., Family Business, Twisted X, Middleton Brewing Co., Circle Brewery, The Dig Pub...I could go on.

Beer, as it turns out is easier on your budget and maybe on your head, as well.  Breweries are mostly friendly places but folks tend to mind their own a little more at a brewery. {I've noticed that at wineries, people want to interact more...why is that?}  A brewery is not the type of place that someone will continually check on you to "see how you're doing" and offer to sell you a cheese plate.  Mostly the people who work at breweries are there to 1.  Make beer, and 2. Serve beer.  Memberships are not something they do (though Celis is launching a program soon and we shall pass on it)  Beer hangouts are full of all kinds of folks - young and old.  They like to sit at tables playing games.  They bring a picnic of fried chicken from Bush's (ok, that was us). They get loud and no one cares. And they don't dress up, that's for sure.  

I still love going to wineries, its just that breweries are a different vibe.  And for right now, I am loving how laid-back and relaxing just having a well-crafted beer is.

Simple pleasures!