...mulling over life and the future.
I popped into Hobby Lobby, intending to get some supplies to make a Pottery Barn knockoff ornament, but instead bought Christmas cards and an ornament for my bedroom tree. While I was standing in line, a woman recognized me and called over from another waiting line. She and I used to work at the same hospital and were work buddies for a short time. She asked how my family was - not sure if she knew about Mark - and if I had retired. (doing well, and no) Then told me that she and her hubby have been traveling a lot. They had down-sized to a smaller place = no yardwork, retired, and are enjoying trips to Costa Rica as well as RV traveling. I'm glad for them - grab life while you can. Meanwhile, here I sit on Widow Island. No partner, working full-time, no grandchildren, no plans to travel. It kinda made me feel like I am doing Life all wrong. And I feel like fate got to decide that for me because I was clueless. As much as I want any of those things, they are not happening for me right now. So here I sit, just before Christmas, contemplating things while I stare at the sky. And it has me wondering: If I wanted to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, how would I do that?
So that's what I'm working on, over here on Widow Island. If you are a widow - how did you figure out where to start?
I haven't, though, I retired last spring. I moved from being probably a workaholic the first year after returning to work because it made me feel somewhat orderly and normal. Then change upon change I had no control over and that order started to turn to chaos, and I began feeling nothing but apathy. Now, I'm an unemployed widow with grown children and no grandchildren trying to figure out what "this" actually is.
ReplyDeleteWell, that sounds familiar...I can empathize with that feeling of "who am I now?" because my identity was wrapped up in my husband and kids. I feel like I am taking baby steps each day, trying to figure it out. I'm trying to hold off on retiring until I get a better picture of what I want. But maybe I have that backwards...
DeleteFrom your posts it seems you are making good progress in figuring out what you want. Concerts, wine tasting, a sewing room …so you will be so much better positioned when you do retire .
ReplyDeleteThank you - maybe I'm progressing more than I thought!
DeleteWhile I cannot help you there, my friend, I can tell you I think you are very self aware and are living YOUR life. This is good, because often people try to emulate others. You are finding your way through the life you have been given, and are doing it beautifully. I applaud you! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I only know of one other widow in my circle and her circumstances are sooo different!
DeleteWe start by putting one foot in front of the other. And while I've only been here on your blog for a short while, I believe you are strong and you will make the changes that you wish to make. 100 percent, I do believe you will. One foot in front of the other.
ReplyDeleteJust wish I knew where these feet were supposed to head! Ha!
DeleteI can understand that. I feel that way sometimes too and then it does start to come together.
DeleteI remember my mom navigating this same path, it wasn't easy. You handle it with so much grace, I'm sure you will find your way. I seriously think you should write a book. You have such a way with words and have so much to share. xo
ReplyDeleteI regret not talking to my mom about widowhood before she passed. She was a tower of strength and lived many years after her husband died, building a house, social circle, and a life.
DeleteI know you will figure it out and do what YOU want!!
ReplyDeleteI sure hope so!
DeleteI haven't been here for long, but I feel you are making the first step towards finding your way. I'm not a widow, but divorced (which came as a surprise to me) and it's tough looking for your own path. Only you can find it in the end, but of course it's good to have people by your side.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best!
thank you! I am finding that it is a great many first steps you have to take, and you're right about it being a journey that only I can take.
DeleteEvery year for the last 4, I'm reminded I'd either be packing up or we'd be on the road to warm Florida. However, like you, I sit here on Widow Island now. I try to keep it pushed out of my mind.
ReplyDeleteThis happens to me a lot - I will leave work in the evenings and the scent on the air will remind me that a little over 4 years ago I was sitting outside by a firepit on our hill watching the sun go down - not leaving work.
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