Background: When I was about 21, my mother decided to move from Galveston to Victoria, get an apartment, and take a new job in dang near the middle of the summer. I was home on summer break from college, but the timing of how I was going to get my stuff from Galveston back to my furnished student apartment in San Marcos did not concern her. Nor how I was going to live in a totally empty house by myself until time to return to college. She just loaded up her stuff and said bye, in the middle of a hurricane, no less. Mind you, I did not even have a car. (and back then, no one had computers or cell phones) I did, however, have Mark, who would also be returning to Texas State. I had to leave or toss most of my belongings - it could not all come with me, and Mom wasn't going to move or store it for me. Same for my cat, which I had to abandon in Galveston. When Mark's mother got wind of my situation, she was appalled. She insisted I stay on their fold out couch in her back bedroom. This was for about 2 weeks, at the end of which Mark borrowed his boss's old work van and we loaded it and hit the road, ending our last summer ever in Galveston.
Now: Wanting to do this differently, I have stored all of my kids' things for many years, in those big plastic bins, out in my garage. I have reminded them to come look through them, to see what they wanted to keep or toss. (friend, my "kids" are in their 30's) Lovingly stored are their yearbooks, uniforms, karate belts, summer reading totes, baby teeth, toys, pre-K art, and other mementos of their childhoods, not mine. And you know - I kind of feel over it at this point, but I wanted to be respectful of their right to their stuff. I get that they might not have the emotional capacity to deal with it. But can we talk about my struggles these last 4.5 years as a full-time working woman and widow who is nearing retirement and was left with our clutter and possessions to deal with alone? I don't think my mom had that same journey, though I can appreciate that she was arranging things by herself, as well. But am I just a storage unit? I have a lot of guilt over this - maybe I burdened my peeps with too much stuff.
The situation I created kind of pisses me off.
You write, I nod my head as so much could be me. Two dumpsters 6 months after my husband died to purge the garage and crawl space and still swimming in things kept and stored for no reason. And, I'm adding instead of lightening the load.
ReplyDeleteMark had the garage and attic so full of useless stuff, it made me want to cry, and I did, loudly. Also cussing. I bet the neighbors were appalled. But I did it. And I may have gotten rid of things he thought valuable, but I told myself "he doesn't need this now".
DeleteWow, just wow to what your Mom did. That being said, how about giving your kids a deadline for deciding what they want to keep (if anything) or, if they have room in their living situation, to take it to their home to store until they want to deal with it. Perhaps you have saved things that have no meaning to them and they just don't want to tell you that.
ReplyDeleteA couple of them have come by already, but I told everyone I would give it lots of time. I'm certain they won't want to lug around most of it forever. I should have purged these years ago and just not said anything!
DeleteSounds familiar to me. I don't have kids, but my mother did that and some took advantage of it, but that's a long story. I hope it will not be too difficult for you to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteIt will come down to everyone in a panic, getting their stuff before I downsize. And I don't blame them - I mostly blame me.
DeleteWe moved a little over 11 years ago. At that time, I told the kids (they're in their 40s now) they needed to come and go through their stuff. My oldest had a huge tub of Legos in our attic. He took those. I think the other two took what they wanted and said to get rid of the rest. One of the things my daughter didn't want was an antique high chair one of her friends from Charleston had refinished and given her. His mother had painted the cutest scene from Beatrix Potter on it. I kept it and it's in the attic here at our new house. My kids are going to be so upset with me when I'm gone. I really do need to go through some drawers and get rid of things, but when I look at them, the memories are too strong. And, I have completely digressed and made it about me.
ReplyDeleteI think it's fine you're pissed off. I do lots of things to myself that piss me off...almost on a daily basis. But, someday, I hope to look back and either laugh or just shake my head at the goofy things I did.
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
I threw (literally) everything down from my attic in a grief rage. Zero offers of help, so I felt justified. So, I feel like them leaving things for me to trash or donate - NO. They can take it all with them and decide how to deal with it!
DeleteWow! Your mom sure gave you the option...sink or swim. No doubt it's made you the independent woman that you are. My kids still have stuff stored here but since second son will probably keep living here when we're gone he can deal with it. When you downsize no doubt your kids will decide what they want to do with the tubs of their stuff. Until then it depends on whether you can bear to live with it like it is now.
ReplyDeleteI think I can handle seeing it for a bit longer - it wasn't my intention to make them feel bad about it. I actually saved way too much for them.
DeleteAbout all I can say is "Good Luck."
ReplyDeleteI do remember the many times my Mother said, "Come and get this stuff."
Ugh. If only my peeps had houses with closets. Once I move it won't matter if they do or don't, I'm not moving everything!
DeleteI laughed when I read the words "baby teeth"...because I have all of that in bins in my basement, too. Like you said no one has a house with closets yet, but funny, I didn't when I moved out and I took it all with me. Then again, I didn't have all the stuff I saved from each one of my kids.
ReplyDeleteExactly! My mother got rid of so much of my stuff and never even batted an eye. The summer I was 11 she gave away all of my Barbies. My daughter literally has every Barbie with every accessory that she ever owned and it's all sitting out there. I definitely saved too much for them but I didn't want the same thing to happen to them that happened to me.
DeleteYou've been through hard, hard stuff, Gina. And it seems you are cotinuing to learn, and grow, and put one foot in front of the other. Proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThank you - I guess that is a silver lining, of sorts.
DeleteStuff, it's just hard to deal will. I have been going to have a yard sale for 4 years now. This is the year! I've given so much away and sold many tools but there's still too much stuff. All we can do is our best at the time.
ReplyDeleteEveryday brings new challenges, but hey we are "Strong capable women and we can do this one step at a time.
I had a fiend come over to help me decide how to proceed with a garage sale. An epiphany occurred: I didn't want to deal with a garage sale, I just wanted the stuff out of my life. So I made it happen. No regrets.
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