What I miss

There were a lot of things that I didn't love about my cat.  Things I knew I wouldn't miss, and I know that makes me sound like a meanie.  But there were just as many things about her that I did love, and they are things I find myself missing.

Her lounging on my bed, open to a belly rub.

Her loving to sit in open windows, sniffing the air.

Her being near me, no matter where I was in the house.  And usually waiting near the front door when I walked in from work.

Always near me.  She knew I was her person.

The ways and places she would nap.

 Her calm and sweet demeanor.

Her helpfulness with laundry.

 Her loyalty to me when I was recovering from knee surgery.

Her gently inquisitive ways.  She wouldn't even hurt a hamster.

Just sweet, gentle, unassuming, and perfect for all of us.  

I miss her.

Can you hear me now?

About three years ago, I got sick.  Probably strep or some other viral thing, I don't really remember.   But shortly after that, I noticed I had tinnitus that kept getting louder.  And I finally went to see an ear doc.

His take?  "I wish you had come to me sooner I could have helped you."

He had me get a brain MRI to make sure I didn't have an acoustic neuroma - which I did not.  A year after that, when my symptoms had not improved and I noticed I was saying "huh?" a lot, I had my hearing checking again.  BIG hearing loss on the right.   I waited a year or so and had it checked again.  No change.  

Fast forward to now.

See it?

I now have bionic ears!  I can hear my husband breathe.  I can hear the wind chimes in the back yard with the door closed.  I can hear the tiny beep coming from the house alarm system.  And I can hear the cat lick herself sitting next to me.  Some of these sounds are more disturbing to me than helpful, but I'm trying to look at it much the same way one does when told they need glasses - get them and move on.

Donating blood

Donating blood is something I do about every three months or so.  I have many reasons, including that they frequently bestow flowers on me in the "cantina".  Here are some other reasons, in no particular order:

*It's free to do and I can
*I'm basically healthy and I can help some who maybe is not
*By donating, I atone for several sins
*It helps me with my ladder points at work
*Free snacks, ice cold OJ, and a crossword puzzle to work on while I rest after my donation
*Friendly conversation with like-minded people
*I forget how much the finger stick hurts
*It's a built-in excuse to eat a BIG lunch and take a nap.

Sugar

I don't even know what to say about Sugar.  I'm just so super stressed and down in the mouth about it.  She got up into my box of embroidery thread and ate a good long chunk of it.  Then puked bile and about half of the string.  When I pulled on it, it wouldn't budge.  So I knew it was deep. I was going to "wait it out, give her some vaseline, see if she would pass it.  But two vets told me over the phone that I better bring her in pronto.  But $2000 later, I wonder if it would have been kinder to euthanize her.  She's 11.  Has been dropping weight.  And the vet says her liver looked strange.

So as of this writing, I have a senior cat recovering from major abdominal surgery, a huge Capital One bill, and a full-time job, so I cannot babysit her, nor can I afford to board her.  And I just want to bring her home, so she can sit in my lap and be told sweet things.  Because I made a promise to care for her when I adopted her.  And she's my cat.

This sucks so bad.

Things I want for you

As a parent, I want my children to have happy, fulfilled lives. And, I want them to get their shit together.

 

 Fall 2012

I want Spencer to further his training and education, get his finances and cell phone in order, meet and fall in love with a stable person his own age, get a decent place to live, get rid of the GT, and get all of the auto crap out of the garage.  Improve his general health, too.

I want Chloe to finish up with summer school without losing her mind, act reasonably regarding living at home for the summer, acquire her own cell and auto insurance accounts, find a decent and safe place to live, get established in her job before she plunges into pet ownership, and meet new people.  

I want Dylan to get more hours at a better job this summer,  do some volunteer work in advance of applying to the program he is interested in, clean his room out, not spend so much time with the girlfriend or on the computer, start contributing to his insurance and phone bill, focus on education, take care of his teeth, and take care of the Escape.

 I want Grayson to read more books, practice his horn, get his room in order, have fun and work on rank advancement at summer camp, not spend so much time on the computer, be in charge of his own laundry start to finish, get to bed at a reasonable time, and do his chores.  

They're nifty people.  I love them lots. They are learning to navigate the world.  There are no maps, and it can be a treacherous journey.  But they are lucky they have parents who can guide and advise them. 

Choosing forgiveness

  

   My mother is a complicated person.  She can be opinionated with little to no filter, rigid in her thinking, and come off as unfeeling.  I'm not gonna lie - it's very hard to brush off the things she says.  But if you truly know my mother's faults, then you know some other things about her, too.

She is highly intelligent, always learning new things.  She has unshakeable faith and believes in the power of prayer.  Being warm and fuzzy does not come naturally to her - so when she makes the effort to tell me she loves me, I know it comes from her heart.  She is physically strong and basically healthy, but she is 85.  When the day comes to say goodbye I don't want to feel like I should have been a better daughter.     

I need to choose forgiveness and talk to her immediately instead of stewing over something she said when I hang up the phone.  I'm sure it would help to show myself some forgiveness, too.

Cut loose!

April 22nd was a red letter day - I had my last physical therapy appointment!  The PT measured, timed, evaluated - then she cut me loose.  I told her I bet she would be glad to see the last of me!  But she hugged me twice and told me that she was proud of me, that I worked hard and never gave up. And that I could call her any time if I had trouble. That felt good!  

I mean, REALLY GOOD!

 I might still have stiffness and soreness, but every day I notice a tiny bit more improvement than the day before.  And I know that I will continue on with my exercises and walking, and I will get braver as each week passes.  I will get my bike and start riding, and when the pool opens I can go do laps with my kickboard.  Eventually the stairs won't be a problem for me.  Everything will fall into place, and by November, I can do Turkey Trot.  

Thanks be to God.