He's not here, I am

 A couple of years ago, I got a very unhappy response from one of my peeps regarding Father's Day and the fact that I did not send out a group message acknowledging the day.  And Father's Day is creeping back up on us, so here's what I have to say about that:

I'm still here, he is not.

I'm still doing my job as parent, providing all of the emotional support of both parents.

I'm still here for you to come to when your life falls apart and you need a roof over your head for a little while.  I'm still the one who will organize and implement family holidays, all hosted by me, at my house.

I'm the one who is keeping the ship afloat - paying for the life insurance policies, letting you keep your cell phone on my plan because its cheaper for you that way, helping you pay for college, guiding you through small and not so small struggles that you need advice on.

I'm also the one 100% responsible for my own health and the care and repair of my house and car, with very little, if any, assistance from you.  I'm the one who collects your mail that still gets delivered to me and who makes you a stocking every Christmas.

When you were a child I was the one who made sure your summers were full of swim lessons, sport camps, part-time jobs, summer field trips and learning, and trips to the beach.  If you had clothes, chores, scout camp, and opportunities to visit family - that was all done by me.  I also made sure you and your siblings got to spend a lot of time with each other, seeing movies, going to parks and swimming pools, eating fun snacks, helping me grocery shop, and seeing Austin like a tourist.

I'm sorry Mark is not here and my adult children can choose to honor him in their own way, as I have encouraged them to do - but I will not facilitate that.  That is up them now, as adults.  Don't misunderstand me (or do) - I'm not saying I was the better parent, but I am saying that I think I did a good job, I still count, and I'm still here.  And I think he would agree with me.

Happy Things for May 2025

In no particular order: 

*We've had enough rain for my front and back yards to flourish. I got some dwarf Nandina planted and will get on an every two weeks schedule with mowing the grass.  Bit by bit, I am getting all of the pollen and leaves off the yards and red rocks area. I trimmed up the Ligustrum and they look like they are blooming, scattered some grass seed which I noticed has sprouted, and the Japanese boxwood on either side of the garage got a big chop!  I mulched everything out front, too.  It was good to catch up on all things yard-related. 

 

*I have sold the Baja - praise!  I'm not getting much for it, but I am OK with that. It didn't make sense to pour more money into it, and as fate would have it, the thing died - with the windows rolled down. It was the last big thing of Mark's to go, and not seeing it in the driveway will be amazing.

*I have several things planned for myself in May so far, including a grief webinar, coffee with a friend, annual physical, and a concert at The Long Center.  It feels good to have a mix of things on my To Do list - all of it is really self care.  I started walking again (took a break in February that lasted too long) and I am still talking with the therapist.  Cooking is making me feel less angry and stressed.  My hair has responded to the minoxidil and is sprouting.  Overall, I feel better.

*Chloe stepped up to support her youngest brother during a tough time.  I am reminded that my kids are nice people who love each other and these reminders do my heart such good.  I was giving them some space, but I want to engage with them more often.  Dylan got a cat and is adjusting to life in his new apartment - I miss him but I'm so glad he is doing OK.

Goal:  keep this positive momentum going!

Dream feelings #12 - nothing to wear

I have nothing to wear!

I am getting ready to go to an event, wearing a mauve something that is very hot and uncomfortable, long and sweater-like, looking through my closet with someone else, trying to find something to wear.  The choices were outdated or not appropriate for the occasion.  All of them seemed very long or over-sized.  The person helping me wasn't all that helpful - pointing out that I had nothing to wear, then leaving to get themselves ready.  I went through all of the things again.  Nothing matched.  Nothing was the right size, nor color.  I could see specific things:  a couple of sleeveless dresses with heavy pleating on the bodice and a large floral pattern, skirts that had no coordinating tops, things like that.  It seemed like these were clothes that had been hanging in here a long time.  Time was running out to decide and all around me people were coming through from other parts of the "house", ready and leaving to attend the event.  A female person I did not recognize came down the stairs, wearing all black formalwear, but did not speak to me.  I was standing there, still wearing the sweater thing, feeling very hot and uncomfortable, knowing that I was missing out, but could do nothing about it.

Yikes, it will take me a minute to decipher this one!

Happy Things for April 2025

I thought that once I had gotten through February, it would be smoother sailing, but that was just magical thinking... Some of March was productive: I finished painting and purging and organizing the garage, did coffee dates with myself on Wednesdays, visited a pretty sculpture garden, took myself to a couple of movies out, got my taxes filed, volunteered at a wine competition, met with my retirement account counselor, and took at least one mental health day off of work.  But along the way I had some rough days.  So here's what I will look forward to in April: 

prickly - like me, sometimes

*Taking myself to a concert!  I'm going to see Chicago - one of my favorite bands as a teenager

*a brewery meet-up with other ladies to sip beer and swap books

*a follow-up with my dermatologist regarding treatment for my hair loss which is working!

*going to visit a local farmer's market

*attending a fun art activity at another brewery

*going to check out this place for another fun interactive art experience

*working on Easter Sunday - will take a great lunch with me

*taking a mental health Monday off (will plan something fun to do)

I'm trying hard to keep my head up and moving forward, but its a slog some days. My #1 goal is to get out there and "people".  Its getting a bit easier each time.

Many things assumed

     I chose to marry and I chose to be a mom.  No one coerced me either way.  I felt young, strong, and in love.  I was fortunate to marry the person I chose who chose me, too. We agreed on the place we wanted to live, in the city we both wanted to live in.  When to start a family.   And the first few years were idyllic.  Once we our family starting growing and the dynamic was set in motion - there was big change and many things were assumed. 

      Who would do the planning/shopping/cooking of food? Who would do the bulk of the childcare during the week and still work full time?  Who would take care of laundry?  Purchase and store everyone's clothing? Who would handle household cleaning on regular basis? Who managed our bills? Who kept track of communication with extended family? Who provided medical and dental insurance as well as a retirement account? Kept track of all of our important information and documents?  Who arranged activities for the kids to include transportation, dues, uniforms, meals, permission slips, doctor visits, dental care, and back to school items? Volunteered at school, attended parent/teacher conferences, picked kids up? All me.  I made lists. Reminded everyone. Was exhausted and overworked.  As a Mom and Wife I took responsibility for everyone's everything.

 

     Things He took care of: Dropping off the kids to school/daycare on his way to work.  Getting them to pre-arranged activities on the weekends.  Mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, doing basic household repairs.  Arranging major car repairs.  Showing up for the kids in Scouts, band, basketball, karate.  Setting up our insurance policies.  Handling most of the legwork for vehicle and large appliance purchases. Grilling on Saturday nights. Filling our garage and closets with a lot of stuff.   Yes, he did many things for us as a husband and father.  But also, who got to develop his own interests and hobbies and relationships outside of the home and office? And who forced his agenda to include two RVs and property in Burnet that I was allowed to co-sign on, and help pay for, but that he got to control. Him.
     Was I taken for granted? I think so. But wasn't I also complicit in that because I let it go on so long? Once you have roles that are entrenched in your home and marriage, how do you break free of them? I was a working mom with two college degrees - if he didn't wonder how I felt about all of it, why not?  I will never know, because it all ended abruptly, before I got the chance to talk to him about it.  I had plans to tell him that I wanted us to be more equal partners, with a say so in how we spent our time and money in retirement.  I would have told him that compromises were needed in areas of our home and how we spent our time together.  That there were things I wanted and needed for our relationship to be healthy.  That I expected him to take care of his health first and make sure we could carry out whatever plans we decided on, as a team. To reconcile the resentment I felt.

The biggest assumption was that I could make myself heard and that we had time to make changes.  Both of us were good people who loved each other and the family we created - couldn't we have made big changes? I would love for that to be the legacy I hold onto, not just all of the assumptions that ultimately led to regret.

What I want life to be like one year from now

On Valentine's Day, I gave myself some love.  I'm feeling better about being a single person and I am more than ever focused on what it is I want from life.  That got me to thinking: 

what do I want life to be like a year from now?

First and foremost, I want to feel okay on my own.  I want to be able to attend movies, concerts, and other events solo and have a great time.  I want to be able to say hello to strangers and start conversations. I want to explore all of the things I want to do without worrying about my safety, how I look, or whether I am the only single person there.  I will leave myself open to approach, because the goal is to feel comfortable out in the world.  I want to open my mind and heart to the possibility of finding new friends, new experiences, a new way of seeing my life.  

In one year, I am sure that I will live completely alone.  So, do I keep this house, or find a smaller one?  Do I stay in Austin or do I move a little further out of the city? I think I may take this one year by year, depending on how I feel about my life situation.  How do I manage the quantity of my things, whether I move or stay?  Before moving, I will need to pare down the amount of stuff I own.  So, in one year I want to have a better idea of whether I stay here or go.

In one year I want to be able to say I got rid of the remaining items that I have no use for.  Namely, the Baja, the Cricut, the camping gear, the guns, and any tools I do not use or want.  I was hanging onto certain things thinking that my kids would be in relationships, with families and houses, but it doesn't look like that's happening and I'm not going to be a storage facility.  I have boxes of stuff to send to 2 extended family members.  I want to say I emptied the garage out except for what I absolutely wanted and I repainted it and it's DONE.  

In Feb. 2026, I want to be able to say that I got several big things done at Rustown whether I am selling or not.  Some of the maintenance items are doable by me and I have a schedule set up for that.  The garage, carpet, and a new fridge are on part of my plans.  I want to look back on my list and feel proud.

Lastly,

I want to have made so much progress in therapy that it tapers off into maintenance sessions.  I appreciate and am grateful for all of the help the therapist has given me, and inspired me to give myself.  I want to be able to say I made great strides in 2025.  This is something I plan to work hard at, investing the time and effort into myself. 

This sounds like a list of resolutions, and maybe it is.  My goal is to stop just surviving  - I want to thrive.  I think it's fitting that March is the month where I focus my efforts on self-love and care.  See you in 2026, February.

Dream feelings #10 and #11 - where are my helpers?

 Two similar dreams, two nights in a row.

#10 - Nothing about the place feels familiar, but I know I am standing in my mother's kitchen hand washing dishes with someone I think is my sister/daughter.  I hand her a soapy dish which she is to rinse, but she just stands there holding the dish as there is no where to rinse it or place it to dry.  I become annoyed and tell her she needs to help!  She disappears.  I am increasingly stressed as I realize its not just the kitchen I have to help clean but the whole house, which feels very large and messy.  Everyone else who was in the background also disappears and leaves the door open. I am alone, thinking how can I possible get all of this done? The dream ends.

#11 -  I am decorating a small artificial Christmas tree that someone else had already started, as evidenced by clumps of candy canes tied onto it.  I realize that the tree has not been fluffed so I have to do that first, and the tree is sitting in a place where we can't get to it to decorate, like a recessed area on the floor.  But no one else is helping me do it.  Someone tells me that its not finished because there are kitties/puppies somewhere nearby, but I continue working on it anyway, moving the tree, trying to fluff it out.  Then I get annoyed that no one else is really helping me get it done. The dream ends.

I'm a little surprised that I managed to remember so much of each dream as I didn't write them down right when I awoke.  They really may as well be the same dream: I am doing something alone, that I need help with, and everyone leaves me to it.  Important themes: large house, holidays, loneliness, leftover messes for me to deal with, small animals = kids, resentment.