Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The distance

     How the subject of me "keeping distance" came up I don't get...but I was recently told I am doing that. And that sometimes, it seems as if I'm annoyed to be around the group.  To which I replied that it's easier for me.  I still feel like I am out of the loop, and I can't see why.  I feel like I have changed in small, personal ways, but I am still the same me at work.  I am still engaged in what I do, still clock in and out on time, not calling out, not asking for help with heavy things.  I assume people see me as capable.  And that was the physical goal for work.  So, all of that is good.

     But I had come to see my co-workers as friends, and that's where the trouble comes in.  When you don't separate friends from work, there are bound to be times when your big, fat feelings get in the way.  And that has happened to me a lot lately, and it makes in very un-fun to be there.  I don't want that.  I was accustomed to talking about personal things.  Now, it seems, that is far less interesting to to others, so I've been keeping it to myself.  And no one asks.  And in turn, I don't get told a lot either.

     People can say they are adjusted to a change, but sometimes, it doesn't look that way.  And maybe they really want to be, but they aren't quite there yet.  It's easier to place the blame for that onto someone else.  It's hard to own it, especially if you weren't the one who had to overcome a difficulty to begin with.  And sometimes, they are trying, but they are just doing the minimum, hoping the pieces will fall into place.  Phoning it in.  But life takes more effort than that.

     My mindset IS different than it was before, clearly.  Depression will do that to you.  It will get hold of you and hang on, and you just do the best you can, until gradually, you can take control of the wheel again.  If you share that with others, they will either understand and give you time, or they will assume it's all about them, and keep back aways.  And there's not too much I can do about how someone else perceives me at this point.  I just have to keep going, the best I can.  And I have to put distance between myself and whatever doesn't help me get where I want to be.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Things I want for (from) you

As a mother, I want my children to have happy, fulfilled lives.  I want the sky to be the limit! For their dreams to become their reality.  Even though, I know it cannot be so without a lot of hard work on their part.  That's just how life is.  I want to be able to point them the way towards what they want, but I can't do the work for them.
And, I want them to get their shit together.

 Fall 2012

I want Spencer to further his training and education, get his finances and cell phone in order, meet and fall in love with a stable person his own age, get a decent place to live, get rid of the GT, and get all of the auto crap out of the garage.  Quit with the e-cigs and booze, improve his general health, too.

I want Chloe to finish up with summer school without losing her mind, act responsibly and reasonably regarding living at home for the summer, acquire her own cell and auto insurance accounts, get a phone in her own name, find a decent and safe place to live, get established in her job before she plunges into pet ownership, and meet and fall in love with a stable person her own age. 

I want Dylan to get more hours at a better job this summer,  do some volunteer work in advance of applying to the program he is interested in, clean his room out (seriously), not spend so much time with the girlfriend or on the computer, start contributing to his insurance and phone bill, focus on education, take care of his teeth, figure out what to do about a car, and help out more around the house without being asked.  Also, I want him to clean up the Escape and throw out the e-cig crap.  {What is it with e-cigs? Nasty}

 I want Grayson to read more books, practice his horn, get his room in order, have fun and work on rank advancement at summer camp, not spend so much time on the computer, be in charge of his own laundry start to finish, get to bed at a reasonable time, and do his chores.  Plus, I am going to get him to start speaking to me in a more respectful way.  Or else I will become too busy for drive times.

They're nifty people.  I love them lots.  I will write a post soon where all I do is brag on them.  And (I'm sure I could do an entire post on what I want for Hubby.)  They are no worse than the rest of us at navigating the world in our youth.  There are no maps,and it can be a treacherous journey.  But they are lucky, they have parents who can guide and advise them.  If they will only take it all to heart...

Saturday, June 20, 2015

More goals and resolutions

I'm not sure that I ever posted my New Year's resolutions on the family blog.  I'm sure that at the time all I could think of was walking, and getting back to my job.  In that order.  Then Life happened and I went through a rough patch.  Then Life improved.  And now I have a newish set of things I want to work on for the rest of the year:

*Stop with the wine. Seriously.  I love a glass or two, but it's gotten to where Happy Hour is starting earlier and earlier, and I don't stop at two glasses.  This is not a trend I want to continue.  It sets a poor example for the boys and interferes with my sleep.  Plus, I end up too sleepy to read. Then fall asleep too early.  Then my sleep is fractured and terrible.  Not to mention all of the calories, the way my skin looks terrible, the stained teeth, etc.

*Practice better oral hygiene.  Brush my teeth several times daily. I can't believe I've been so bad about my teeth!  I have nightmares about losing them. 

*Take my vitamins without fail.  Once I finish those Smarty Pants vitamins, I'll go back to swallowing one pill, not chewing 6 sugar-crusted gummies.  Yuck.

*Drink more water.  This is a habit I follow so well at work - I need to get it started back up at home.

*Eat more veggies, less crap. My daughter has lost 12 pounds in the month she's been home by eating lean protein with raw fruits and veg. Twelve pounds off me would be amazing.  But I would settle for just feeling better.

*Work on getting things finished.  Right now I have an embroidery project in the works, I need to work on the yards, and I am just being plain old lazy about getting the new blinds ordered.

*Master the stairs.  I feel like this is the last piece of the knee rehab I need to do.  My leg feels so weak on stairs. It's a matter of building up those muscles and I really need to commit to getting it done.
It's coming along with my other goals - I did send my niece a card, money, and a text message on graduation day.  I did communicate with my sister.  I did start laps at the pool, but this week it has rained quite a lot!  I am reading more, but like I said, the evening drinking is starting to mess that up.  And the bike hasn't happened yet.  But it will.
Goals and Resolutions.  Guess that will be the theme of my summer!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The baby steps are growing, slowly but surely

     When I first started this journal/blog I was making slow but sure progress.  Baby steps.
I feel like with each passing week there are still steps forward.  One day I notice I no longer park close to the entrance of the store.  Then the next I no longer grab a cart to help me inside.  I don't sit on the side of the tub and swing my legs over, I just step in, one leg after the other.  I am consciously using my left leg to step up and my right leg to step down, when it comes to stairs.  I get into the car by bending and placing one leg in, then the other - not by sitting, then pivoting.  Small things.  But they each signal a change in how I move through the day. 


     Who would have ever thought that I would be learning how to walk at 54?  At one point I was doubting I would ever be "normal" again.  On the other hand, why shouldn't I?  The mental aspect of this whole recovery business was greatly overemphasized.  I DID have a problem walking.  It WAS something I had to learn to do again.  Because if it had all been mental, I would have willed myself into it so much sooner.  And I would have taken leaps, not baby steps.
    I emailed my PT and gave her a brief update, and after her reply, I was glad I had.  But I am so ready to be over all of it forever.  I want to reach the point at which the baby steps are so small, that I realize I am already where I want to be.  And I want to come to realize one day, that I haven't thought about progress in a very long time...

Thursday, June 4, 2015

How the work week disappears...

The weeks seem to be zooming by quickly - pretty soon we will be halfway done with the year.  Since returning to work after my LOA, Time seems to be moving differently.  It isn't, it just seems that way.  And maybe that's because my schedule now is drastically different than it was a few weeks ago, when I was going to PT twice weekly and basically at my family's beck and call.  Now here's how the week goes:
Saturday and Sunday - up at 6, clock in at 7 a.m., clock out at 7:30 p.m.  (I'm used to it by now - it's been 16 years since I went on weekends) Usually, I go home Saturday and Sunday to a meal that Hubby prepares.  But lately it seems I am picking up the ball that gets dropped due to one thing or another.  Or, I will decide that a load of laundry must be done. Or, I help load the dishwasher and put up leftovers.  Or, I scoop the cat pan and take out trash.  I can't seem to stop myself!  A lot of times I delegate.  But it's never in a completely friendly tone.  Again, the expectations are not always reasonable.

Monday - up at 5, clock in at 6 a.m., clock out at 2:30 p.m..  OUCH.  Maybe Monday wouldn't suck so hard if I could just learn to come home Sunday, eat, bathe, then DO NOTHING but get in bed.  Monday night is scout meeting, so I either get us take out or fix something super simple.  And I hit the hay by 9.

Tuesday - The dead come back to life.  Same schedule as Monday, but I feel better due to getting to bed early on Monday.  Plus, it's Tuesday, my Friday.  TGIT!  I can pretty much guarantee there will be wine when I get home on Tuesday.  And probably more laundry.

Wednesday - up at 7:30 to light a fire under Grayson.  Shopping and cleaning day.
Thursday - same as Wednesday, but I get to go to doctor or dentist appointments, visit the library, eat a lunch out, do chores, and random errands.
Friday - Same as Wednesday and Thursday, but boredom has set in.  By the end of the day I will have the house in good shape, laundry and ironing done, bills paid, food prepped for the weekend, and my scrubs ready to go.  You'd think all I do is drudge, but really, it takes up only a small part of my day.  Mama needs a hobby.
It's not really a terrible schedule.   But sometimes it can feel a little like I'm on a hamster wheel...
In other news, I think I will start posting every Tuesday.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Managing expectations

One thing I have to keep reminding myself is that I need to get better at accepting change.  I get to a point where I think things are settling down, and lo and behold, they are not.
Cue shock and awe.
It's almost like there was a paradigm shift in my life after my knee surgery.  I assumed that once my knee got better, I would pick up where I left off.  In all areas of my life, my job included.  That was not meant to be.  And I guess not really realistic, either.  I mean, come on.  Five months.  That's a bit of time.  Almost a half year.  Lots can change.  It's up to me to move things along in the direction I want them to go.  But, it's also up to me to either accept what is handed to me, or politely decline.  That's where I don't want to get stuck.  Gina, the road changed a bit.  Turn around, don't drown.

At the end of the day, I want to say I have done just that.
Roll with the changes.
New goal:  Reasonable expectations.