Hair (not)apparent

I try not to be a vain person.  In fact, I am much less so now than I was in my 20's and 30's.  Life has a way of rearranging your priorities, and my hair has taken a backseat to say, my colon, for example.  But handfuls of it keep falling out. 

 Scalp. Lots of it.

 Handfuls!  That is not OK!  I visited my doc in February with a followup in March.  She said the same thing both times.  It's not unusual to have hair loss following a stressful event, like surgery.  Your hair may recover, but then again, it may not.  I was not in a position to place a lot of importance onto that at the time.  I had other fish to fry...  But now that I am feeling better,  I find it to be a terrible thing worth trying to remedy.  I see other people my age with HAIR.  And I remember that once upon a time, I had so much hair it was difficult to brush, let alone clean and blow dry.  Oh, for those days.  If I only knew what would reverse the loss, I would do it.  

Land sakes, woman, wear makeup!

I got a couple of inches cut off before I returned to work.  Then another couple of inches about 4 weeks later. I am trying not to blow it dry, using a biotin and collagen shampoo, and taking my vitamins, including extra biotin.  I'm not gonna color it.  I like the color.  And grey hair is so much more fragile - I think coloring it would add insult to injury.  It would certainly make my scalp more apparent.

I'm not brushing it a lot.  Not washing it a lot.  Giving it a good condition once a week.  And keeping it short.  Only time will tell if any of that has an effect.  I understand your hair changes as you age.  However, I do not wish to be bald. And this is causing me stress.

I guess I'm lucky I didn't start out with thin hair to begin with...

Choosing mercy

Teach me to feel another's woe, to hide the fault I see, that mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me.  -Alexander Pope

 My mother's bottle tree - Spring '11

   My mother is a complicated person.  To others who might "write her off" she is opinionated with little to no filter, rigid in her thinking, and comes off as unfeeling.  To some extent she has always been that way.  Of  her 8 children, there are only three of us who accept and understand her.  I'm not gonna lie - it's very hard to look aside and brush off the things she says.  But if you truly know my mother's faults, then you know some other things about her, too.

She has huge regret over the past, and thinks about the sad things that happened on a daily basis.  She is highly intelligent, always learning new things (cell phones and computers not included).  She has unshakeable faith and believes in the power of prayer.  Being warm and fuzzy does not come naturally to her - so when she makes the effort to tell me she loves me, I know it comes from her heart.  She is physically strong and basically healthy, but I know the time I have with her may be limited as she is 85.  When the day comes to say goodbye I don't want to feel like I should have been a better daughter.  But I probably will.  So many times I said or did things I shouldn't have.  And many times I harbored resentment or anger.  I chose to forgive the slights, but I've been guilty of wasting time with it just the same.  

I need to choose mercy right then and there, and talk to her immediately instead of stewing over it after hanging up the phone.  I'm sure it would help to show myself a little mercy, too.

Death of a dream

 As if being a mom didn't not induce enough guilt, I have more now.  But that's how it goes.  You cannot support your kids dreams past what's reasonable.  Well, I can't.

A week ago Monday I came home to a notice from APD saying that Spencer's car was a public nuisance and had to go, yada yada, blah, blah....  When Hubby got home he railed for about 15 minutes that it was that F**k neighbor guy who stopped by a few days ago inquiring about it.  He's a busy body, holding  everyone accountable to the homeowners association rules, more yada blah.
Be that as it may...

The inside is deteriorated, the engine is gone, an extra hood and tires are in the garage, the paint is peeling, the registration is long overdue and frankly, it's a piece of crap.  Is it wrong to be thrilled that this "project" will be gone from my driveway soon?  Because I really want it GONE.  I'm sorry it didn't turn out to be the cool car he thought it would be.  He's young and idealistic.  He wanted something to work on, make his own.  But adulthood says you don't buy a car to play with - you shoot for something sensible, so you can earn a living, maybe buy a house, raise a family, think of the future.  When you have your own garage, the choice is yours.

All of those things require you to grow up a little.  It's harsh, but it is what it is.  You don't get to park your toy at your parent's forever, while you think about it.  Mom and Dad should get to have our driveway to use as we need to. We earn that right by being homeowners.  And Mom is sick of  this pile of junk here.  I  am.  Sorry, honey -   I truly am.  I want you to be happy.  But some dreams die.  They do.  Then we replace them with the best version of reality that we can. 

That's not what it was...

It's not a vacation if you are stuck at home with lingering pain after having routine surgery.  If you are alone most of the time while your family is at work or school.  If you have a hard time getting to the potty and feeding yourself, much less bathing and sleeping, and doing anything other than laying in a lounge chair in a vicodin haze. If it happens to be the holidays and you end up missing out on a lot of fun shit.  If you finally wind up on a leave of absence because your leg muscles forgot how to walk.  Or if when you do get the general hang of it, your boss wants you to return with no restrictions - at all, so you are not allowed back for another few weeks - again.  When you are stir crazy, broke, or just plain ole miss your job, that's not a vacay.

So, if after you return to work and feel like you need to plan a real vacation, with travel to a fun place with your honey, YOU TOTALLY SHOULD.  Especially if you haven't had one in years.  Because NO, a leave of absence for surgery doesn't count.  And anyone who comments about that or gives you a hard time, doesn't understand that or give a flip about you as a person or a co-worker.

So, go ahead make your plans.  And resolve to yourself that if you are ever on the other side of that equation, you will show more grace and goodwill.  Because it sucks to not recover from surgery the way you thought you would.  

Cut loose!

April 22nd was a red letter day!  I had my LAST physical therapy appointment!  The PT measured, timed, evaluated - then she cut me loose.  I told her I bet she would be glad to see the last of me!  But she hugged me twice and told me that she was proud of me, that I worked hard and never gave up. And that I could call her any time if I had trouble. That felt good!  

I mean, REALLY GOOD!

 I might still have stiffness and soreness.  Might not run a marathon or sprint up the stairs any time soon.  But every day I notice a tiny bit more improvement than the day before.  And I know that I will continue on with my exercises and walking, and I will get braver as each week passes.  I will get my bike and start riding, and when the pool opens I can go do laps with my kickboard.  Eventually the stairs won't be a problem for me.  Everything will fall into place, and by November, I can do Turkey Trot.  The circle will be complete - Fall to Fall.  Healed.

Thanks be to God.