A silly post about shoes I had to have

 I am old enough to remember the Sear's catalog*.  For my mother, who was raising kids #6,7, and 8 single-handedly, Sears and K-Mart  provided what nowadays we would maybe go to Target or Wal-Mart for.  Sears also sold things like tires, and mopeds, and house paint, and had a great candy department where you could buy Maple Nut Goodies by the pound. If Mom had her mason jar of iced coffee in her hand and asked if we wanted to go to Sears, we couldn't jump in the AMC Gremlin fast enough. We would get the latest Sears catalog by mail and go through it page by page, putting our names on everything we wished and hoped for.  At Christmastime, it was how she shopped - looking for those catalog pages.  She was making $5 an hour as an XR tech and paying $500/month for her mortgage.  There wasn't a lot of wiggle room in the budget for extravagance.  But one Easter I remember wanting these white basket weave patterned clogs so very badly:

At $10 pair, I was shocked that she gave in and ordered them for me.  They weren't what you would call really practical for someone who rode the bus to school.  I was only in 8th grade.  Can you imagine?  They had a 2 inch wedge heel on them and went perfectly with every dress I owned, all sewn by my mother.  I recall that I outgrew them very fast.  Same as  childhood, come to think of it.  

Oh the places your memories can take you.  All the way back to Weis Middle School, in Galveston, Texas, 1973.  And to my Mother, who was smart with money and creative with a sewing machine. And it doesn't take much more than an old Sears ad to remind me of how much I miss her.

* I also remember the Man on Page 602

The Angry Gina chair

The therapist suggested that one reason my dreams keep cycling back to the garage is from unresolved anger at Mark.  For many things, and the garage seems to be the epicenter.  I feel like I have journaled and blogged that to death, but I haven't really let that part of me fully express herself.  What would she say to him if he were here? Instead of shutting her down and crying about it (and dreaming), what if I let Angry Gina have her say? 

When I was busy working and raising kids, trying to hold it all together, I had to swallow down most of my frustrations and anger to keep the peace.  Mark had a hard time listening to understand.  Often he would match or out-bid my energy and instead of getting something resolved, Past Gina would just back down.

Well, current Gina is here now, listening.

She's going to let Angry Gina have her say.  She's going to sit right here, in Ground Zero of the frustration and express herself. She gets a good 10 minutes - more if she needs it - up to 4 times a week.  If she thinks of something to say while I am at work, or in the middle of something else, I will ask her to wait.  But I will always assure her that she has the right to feel the way she does and I will listen to her. I'm going to do for her what I wish someone would have done for me.  

"I hear you. I understand you had some rough times. You had a right to feel the way you did. What can I do to help you get what you need now? I appreciate everything you have done and will honor that and be understanding of you.  I can see that you needed a break."

I'm going to end by thanking her, for all of her hard work. And then I will send love to her.  And my hope is that gradually, Angry Gina will feel heard and she can quietly merge into current me.

Ready to move forward without so much anger.