A lot of these posts will have to do with grieving in some way or another...
Why is it so hard for me to leave my house?
I love my home and think of it as my sanctuary. To that end, I want to do all sorts of things for it that pertain to the addressing the normal wear and tear of owning a home, and this one is 29 years old. Instead of spending my free time up at Highlands, which is what I did every weekend for the last 5 years up until August of last year, I choose to spend it here. Because this is where I feel safe and comfortable. The more I clean it up and clear the clutter out, the more I love it. But is it healthy that I just want to cocoon here? That even the thought of eating out or shopping makes me think "No, I'll just stay home. I'll eat what I already have. I don't need to spend any money". And after all, I'm not sad being by myself 99% of the time though I surely do miss Mark in so many ways. I find a lot of things to keep me occupied around here. Is it negative coping?
I worry that this homebody business will make it gradually much harder to get back out there into social situations and the general public. And I will need to do that - I can't just isolate myself here and make that the norm. And I can't rely on my kids to be my only companions - I have to get out there and meet new people. Eventually. Soon.
Mark would be appalled! He hated being stuck at home. But to me, it doesn't feel like being stuck, even if it really is. I need to give this some thought and come up with a plan.
Added to your grief is also COVID shutdowns and the fear of exposure, terrible news of Ukraine, mall and school shootings, and so on, so I totally understand it and I think it is quite normal - I love being home and I am a very social person, wanting to be round people all the time, but I am also quite content lately to be in my safe little home!!
ReplyDeleteCOVID made my decision to stay home so much. I'm just now getting out a bit, but its due to friends asking me to go, not me asking them. I'm the same way about staying home. I always ask myself is it worth changing clothes and getting out in this cold weather? It's easier to stay in my bedroom which happens to be the warmest room in the house. I keep thinking it will change when weather gets warm. I finally did go to church which was the hardest thing to do with all his memories there. I do have the best supportive church family. I went to a movie by myself which was also hard. Both brought tears, but I'm realizing it makes the next time easier. It's that first step that's the hardest, I guess?
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