Thursday, May 5, 2022

8 things not to say

 A list of eight things my friend(s) shouldn't say or do to a new widow.  Who is me.  And by the way, 9 months is new.  Real new.  Feels like yesterday.

this is how I feel. roar.


1.  Don't ignore the fact there was once a half of me - HIS NAME IS MARK AND YOU KNEW HIM and he was my person for 39 years.  Hearing his name doesn't cause me any sadness.  You don't need to worry about "reminding me" of my loss.  I will think about him and the life and love we had together every day for the rest of my life.  

2.  You can acknowledge my grief in your head, but if it can't come out of your mouth, I will assume you don't care and I will stop telling you things.  Saying "I've been here for you whenever you're ready" misses the point.  And if you ask me how I am and I say I'm struggling, and you let that drop? Go away.

3.  If somehow you are missing the obvious because you cannot read the tone of my response and do not understand because you yourself have never lost a spouse, please don't expect me to spell it out for you.  You may want me to respond to you in kind someday.  Use the Golden Rule as your guide.

4.  You cannot give someone support and space at the same time.  Those two things are mutually exclusive.  You literally have to ask someone what they need to find the answer.  You cannot pretend you can figure it out, just ask.  

5.  Don't tell me you're not rushing me and at the same time rush me.  If I told you that grief has made me a different person, believe me.  My timetable for life, as well as my general outlook has changed.  Maybe forever.  Giving me time is a good idea.

5.  Go ahead and offer to visit me, but understand I may say no.  Please don't push me if I give you a polite response that basically says "not now, I'm not good company, I will likely have to work that day" etc.  It just means no and I'm trying to not offend you.

6.  I haven't "closed" myself so you don't need to worry about me "opening up".  I talk about my grief often.  I cry often.  I talk about Mark often.  

7.  Don't approach every holiday with me by saying "I'm sure this will be hard".  Listen, daily life is hard.  Getting up and going about my life is hard.  Holidays/anniversaries/milestones are something I will always have to deal with the best way I can.  

8.  Don't tell me you don't understand how I'm feeling.   You don't have to have experienced this exact type of loss to show empathy.  If you've never felt this level of grief before, count yourself as lucky.



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