Last year I wrote a carefully worded and heartfelt Christmas card to my grown kids and included it with a mountain of Christmas goodies, a meaningful gift of Mark's pocketknives, and fun Santa hat stocking stuffers. {was I still trying to "make" Christmas for them because I felt terrible still that they had lost their Dad? Possibly.} I asked them to please stay close, lean on each other, and let me know how things are in your world because I still want to "mom" you through these tough times. And what was the upshot of those cards, do you think?
Not only did no one respond to them, but a week later on New Year's Day, my daughter informed me that she wasn't coming over for dinner because she was ready to move on with her life. The others, though they made a point in asking me if I were going to make Ham Balls (which I did) just no-showed, no-called. Were my feelings hurt? Yes.
And so its been almost a year. And I feel as though I only hear from any of them when they need a haircut, a dog sitter, a place to live when their relationships fall apart, or phone/car/food. But offering to continue providing for them in a one sided relationship was not was I was suggesting in that card.
Mark was only the first wave of a tsunami of change that has hit my family, and I see that clearly now. There will be other waves to follow. I can either let them drown me, or I can build a raft (life). Home may be wherever Mom is, but Mom has to decide for herself what that future home will be and how I manage the relationships in it.
Gina
Sometimes I wonder if having kids is worth all the trouble! It is SO hard to be a Mom.
ReplyDeleteDon't know what it is about kids dropping out on us when a piece of the family goes away. For a long time after their Daddy left me (understand who left who please) my girls decided they didn't have time to do a split Christmas/Thanksgiving to include me but still had it with their Dad who was the one that left. I sat all alone for years. I didn't do any decorating because I just wanted to skip the holidays and their memories and customs. One daughter started including all parents for Christmas after Greg came along . I despised Christmas until he came along and got to enjoy with him and started looking forward to leaving after Christmas for 2 months in FL. Now his family stopped including me, while my other daughter now always asks me to her home for all the annual events because my grand daughter's marriage opened up a room for me to stay. The Thanksgiving stay does have to include being at my exs home with him and his wife. The girls still don't visit me, but I'm appreciating their effort. This all took years. So maybe on down the road for you, it will be different?
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