Something I have gained in grief

 This is a journal prompt that I was given in a recent grief webinar and I thought it interesting as it has occurred to me before.  Something I have gained: the strength to persevere.

I never felt particularly strong.  My mother told me shortly after Mark died that I was a "strong woman".  But I didn't ask for that and I resented having to be strong about something I had no choice in.  I wanted to crumble, but there was much at stake so I really didn't have that choice.  I have heard stories of grievers who had a hard time getting out of bed, feeding themselves, not leaving their house, letting laundry and bills and dirty things pile up.  I would say I was the opposite of that.  I became laser-focused on getting my house in order, managing my bills, following through with all of my appointments, maintaining self-care as best I could, and trying to keep the lines of communication open with family and friends.  At times it seemed like an unreasonable amount of work for someone who was grieving.  And I had my full share of anxiety attacks, meltdowns, and loss of appetite.  Plus, depression hit me rather hard.  So its not like I've been a role model on How to Widow Peacefully.

For the 40 years previously, Mark was by my side for whatever trouble I was facing.

A partner to help figure out solutions to problems.

Someone I could lean on when I felt unable to stand alone.

And now I've had to figure out to keep going and draw on new inner strength. 

So, yay for me in doing so?

But what a shitty way to discover a new life skill.

What it was like where I grew up

 One of the blogs I read has a series of prompts called 99 Questions to Ask Your Grandparents and this  question hit home for me, pun intended.  What was like where you grew up? Can you describe the neighborhood in detail?

the house I grew up in until age 10, pictured in 2007

     My sister claims that my memory is poor for our childhood, but I think its truer to say that I have managed to forget a lot of negative things. However, I do remember our house in Lubbock and probably could navigate it to this day.  As a child, I thought the house and yards to be quite big.  The back yard was divided into two halves by a wire fence  - one side had a big Mimosa tree, a clothesline, and irises planted against the house. My father had nailed an armchair up into the tree, with steps leading up, as a sort of makeshift treehouse where we would sit and read.  Around the base of the tree was a built in picnic table where we enjoyed watermelon in the summer, throwing the seeds and rims over the fence into the alley where they became a watermelon patch.   Grapevines were planted against the gated wire fence.  The other side of the yard had a built-in sandbox, a swing set, two dogs with a doghouse, and the backdoor to the house which was in constant motion.

     We had no garage, but a carport for shade.  There was a built in brick planter near the front door where we regularly tried our hand at growing marigolds.  Three trees planted in a circle in the front yard represented my sister, brother, and myself.  For the longest time, the lot next to us was vacant and we rode our bikes all through it.  We would cross the road to the neighboring cotton field and have dirt clod wars.  Someone was always getting injured (sometimes in a terrible way) and my mother had Mercurochrome on hand for everything. The yards, driveways, and sidewalks in our neighborhood were always full of kids of all ages - on bikes or on foot, playing various games until dark when we were all called in for the day.  We drank from the yard hose, ran in briefly to eat lunch or use the potty, and basically wore ourselves out.  Summers were hot as hell, winters brought snow.  We were outside constantly, mostly barefoot. Catching horned toads and running the neighborhood. 

     The house had 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms, and my father had finished out the garage into a living space where he slept and had a desk.  Previous to that, there were bunkbeds in there where several of my older siblings slept.  We had a very small eat-in kitchen and a small living room. Although there was no fireplace, I remember there being a cut out space in the wall connecting the kitchen to the living room, and a small child could have crawled into it, and did.  My mother did all of the cooking and laundry and cleaning.  She also sewed our clothes.  We rarely ate out. 

     We knew our neighbors and they knew us.  The Hadaways, the Lassaters, the Prichards, the Fosters, Mr. Haney.  We were within walking distance of our school and church. We had one TV and watched the evening news, Gunsmoke, Gilligan's Island, Captain Kangaroo, and Saturday cartoons. We listened to records on my father's stereo system that had a speaker in each room.

     My childhood home is with me and part of me always, of course.  Not all of my childhood was joyous, but our house in Lubbock was a formative place in my life that shaped me for everything to come, including raising my children and creating my home.  

Dream feelings #16 - Grayson moving out

this sat in the hallway for 2 weeks

In the dream, I have a very big house with very big yards that seemed to be inside of the house.  Another adult was observing me as I disciplined Grayson over breaking something in my bedroom a year ago and not telling me - and why was he even in there to begin with?  It was a sort of blue thermostat/light switch on the wall.  I told him that if he had told me it was broken I could have fixed it already.  Dylan and Chloe were also nearby, but not saying anything.  They all became young children.  I started yelling at all of them, but they were not really paying attention and getting further away.  Grayson hopped on his bike and started riding off and I had to call him back to continue discussing with him.  That's where the dream ended.

I fully expect that I will have some sadness over the last one leaving home.  I have a lot of angst over how the last couple of years have played out, particularly with Grayson.  I'm not sure I was able to really help him, but I did provide a safe place for him to be while he figured out what he wanted and was ready to leave.  All while doing my best at living my own adult life, with all of its struggles.  None of them are "kids" anymore and its time for all of us to move on.

Just a dream - but this empty nest thing - its so real.

The question is: what would I retire TO?

Recently my sister told me that my niece, who is 55 is going to be retiring soon and moving to the coast.  Which, great - whatever blows her skirt up.  The sister said it made her "feel old" - I guess because of my niece's age.  To me, whatever anyone else does with their own life doesn't make me feel any sort of age and I'm Ok being almost 65.  And working actually makes me feel vital and a little younger.  But its just like Ozzy said "you have to have something to retire to" and maybe my niece has that figured out, but I for sure don't.  On paper you could be worth enough money to do so, but money is not a substitute for creating a life you enjoy.  So while I am working on that and figuring it out, I will keep working since I like what I do.  And anything could happen.  You could have a major health issue that could wipe out your savings and put a big dent in your early retirement - so it can't just be about the money.  Meanwhile I don't want my skills to lapse.

Do I want to garden? No. Travel? Again, no - at least not alone.

I have no grandchildren, and even when I do, I don't plan on raising them!

Volunteering would be a good way to fill my days, but right now I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than going to my job and taking care of my home.  I am happy in my house, my hours/ responsibilities/commute to work are all good, and I'm not in a relationship that holds me anywhere.  So what do I retire TO?

It will all come to me eventually.

I could work on developing my hobbies, adding new ones in, I guess.

I feel like I have time to decide what exactly I want to do.  Maybe what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Who knows.  And I'm all for others retiring whenever they want to. 

Its just not for me right now.  What are YOUR thoughts about it?

"I've never stopped loving you, but sometimes I don't like you"

I fully realize that there are some things about my relationship with Mark that will never get resolved.  And now it's up to me to process them so that I can have peace with them.

This is one of them.

scuplture at Zach Theater

Sometimes Mark said things to me that were not well-thought out.  I know all of us have done that from time to time.  Were he here now, I might have a discussion with him about this one thing he said and how it made me feel.  Maybe he could have just said "I've never stopped loving you" or "I've always loved you" without qualifying it.  It always seemed backhanded to me, even when I know in my heart that he did love me.  But those two sentences seemed mutually exclusive.

Because how do you say "Sometimes I don't like you" and not have it perceived in a negative way?  Being likeable to your spouse is something we take as granted.  Otherwise, why would they have even married us to begin with, right?  How do you build a life with someone that you sometimes don't like?  How do you merge your financial life with them? Raise a family with them?  Have intimacy with them? Live with them day and and day out?

To me, if you love someone, you necessarily like them.  At the very least you don't dislike them.  And you'd never say "I don't like you"* - you might instead say "I don't like what you did/do".  But saying he sometimes didn't like me?  His life partner?  That really cut deep.

He could have said: 

*have more patience with me

*make more time for me

*praise and thank me 

*don't nag/thwart/question me

And that might have opened a discussion where I asked him to:

*share the home load with me so that I am not so exhausted

*listen to me

*praise and thank me, too

Because didn't both of us want to be more likeable to the other?  I would hope so.  And handing someone "sometimes I don't like you" only hurts; it doesn't suggest ways they can do better.  Just my post mortem marriage counseling at work in my brain.

*I was guilty of saying "I hate you" in two very heated arguments.  I didn't hate him.  I hated the situation, the feeling of helplessness, the thing he was doing, or the way I felt.  I should never have said that to him, no matter how I was feeling. And he did call me out on it. I feel terrible about it still.

Dream feelings #15 - driving with my eyes closed

I don't remember thinking it was either of these two cars...
 

I am driving a car with other people in the backseat.  It is dark, or maybe I perceive it to be because my eyes are closed and I can't open them.  I have no idea how well I am driving the car; almost like I am navigating by feeling the road.  I knew I should have my eyes open but I couldn't do it, finally giving up and hoping for the best as the car continued to move along.  No one in the car seemed to be alarmed, although I did feel worried like I shouldn't be driving.  The car comes to a stop and a cop or someone comes to the driver's side and I roll the window down. Its a man.  He says, you know you wrecked your car, right?  But I couldn't remember bumping into or scraping anything and as far as I know we are all still alive in the car.  I didn't know what to say in response, so I just muttered "Oh.".  And I still could not open my eyes.

Is this another retirement dream? Urging me to pay attention?  

Are the passengers my kids? The man, Mark?

Sometimes I wonder if I really know what I am doing and think I will discover someday that I forgot to do something that was crucial.

Some hobbies to pursue

 In the past, when someone asked what my hobbies were, I felt embarrassed to say "I don't have any".  I didn't want to admit that what I did was raise kids, clean my home, cook, and make sure everyone stayed on schedule.  Silly me, because that was a job.  And along the way, I did learn a thing or two and develop some hobbies, which technically are anything you do outside of your primary occupation, in your own leisure time. 

enjoying alone time with an adult bevvy - that's one I like, too

For me that is:

Sewing and crafting 

Jigsaw and word puzzles, card playing, and reading

Walking, meditation, journaling

Writing - on both of these blogs

Home maintenance, sprucing, and a bit of decorating

What new thing do I want to learn about? Birdwatching would be fun, as would possibly gardening or landscaping.  I would like to learn to swim (I'm still dragging my feet on lessons, though) and I'm working on getting out and meeting more people.  Got any suggestions for me?  What do you do as hobby?

I am OK

 I'm not sure how it happened that I arranged so much time off from work this summer.  Its not like I went anywhere special.  But I have managed to take a few Mondays off here and there, and whereas before, I was having a hard time with boredom on those days, it has evolved into something more pleasant.  Time to spend in the sewing room. Or working on a puzzle.  Or catching up on my reading.  And just generally finding some peace in the days leading up to the 4th anniversary of Mark's death. 

 

I have managed to fill some time this summer with outside activities, too.  Meeting a friend for coffee, enjoying outdoor concerts, seeing a play, going to a gin tasting, attending a tranquility luncheon at work, lunch al fresco at parks, and plenty of rest time after working on various projects at the house.  Although I have struggled at times, I have not given up.  Everything is not all sunshine and roses - I did have an issue with my shoulder, and a blocked tear duct. (ouch on both)  National and world news feels mostly bad, the heat and rain seemed unrelenting.  But I have been able to move through my days relatively calmly.  Four years ago, I could not have imagined all that would transpire because I could barely see as far as the next day.  I had so little faith in myself and barely knew my own mind.  The old Gina was in there, somewhere, I've just had to coax her out.  I'm getting closer to where I want to be and I feel much better.  I wonder how things will be this time next year?

Dream feelings #14 - college life

Does it count as a nightmare if you waken feeling stressed out?

I'm in a college lecture hall - its huge.  There's a girl standing next to me that gather up her things ready to leave at the end of the class.  The prof sees her and they have a conversation from across the room about where the girl is headed to next - almost like she has to justify leaving.  I cannot see the prof, because the seats are so low to the ground.  I think, well I need to be going, too, I have to pick up my kids.  I'm gathering my things up and I notice that around the room there are groups of people doing various things.  Class is over, why aren't they leaving?  One group is singing a capella as they stare at the ceiling.  Another group is working on something that looks very complicated, like math or engineering.  What class is this, I wonder?  No one questions me, so I leave the building thinking that I will have to review my notes and get organized later.  I have to pass this class!  I leave the building, which is huge, and set off to find my car.  As I walk out, I think to myself how beautiful it is outside - all golden, must be Fall.  I know I am getting lost - I am traveling through landscapes I don't remember.  There are so many other students around. I finally stop to rest, under some sort of a bower.  A person stops with me, to ask if she can help.  She is a professor there.  I explain which building I came from, dig through my purse to find information, show her a picture of the faculty, but I am unsure exactly which one is my prof, and all of them look disheveled in the photo, so that's all she notices.  It turns out, she cannot help me find my way back to my car, doesn't know exactly which building I was in.  "Its a big place" she shrugs.  I say "I have to go, I've got to pick up my kids" and I start trying to gather up all of my stuff again.  What a mess, I think.  How am I going to find my car?  I guess I will have to retrace my steps. The dream ends.

{is this a dream about retirement?}

More sh*t she said

The woman could be a character sometimes.

 

I'm good, good girl (as she scooped up some ice cream)

Well, that lasted about as long as John was in the army

I've just been spending money like its going out of style

(also she would say she was spending money on "riotous living")

When I called her she would exclaim "Gina Lynn! How's every little thing?"

Just go on living your life

When she was ready to end a phone conversation she would say "well, tell me bye"

Pull up your socks and keep going (she didn't believe in depression)

Time for my nappy bye time (time for you to end your visit!)

If you didn't want what she cooked she would say "More for me!"

When she got a haircut, she would say "I feel like I lost 5 pounds and took a vitamin"

Well, its better than a kick in the behind

I lead a boring life (she absolutely did not)

That's nothing to write home about (like the last bit of coffee in the pot)

I feel like an ancient mariner

Its all downhill from here

Gave my sister the parenting advice that children have to "know the fear" (for discipline) 

*One time a lady told my mother that she was "after that man" in the grocery store as Mom pushed her shopping cart closer.  Mom replied "well, I hope you get him".  I about died of embarrassment.

*Another time she was hauling in her spare tire to the tire repair place and brushed across a seated man who said "watch out".  Her reply was "well, get out the damn way!".  He did.

*While driving down a steep street, she started out saying "wheee!" in a gleeful way which turned into something a little more terrified sounding.  Now we all do it on winding roads and hills.

I miss Mom - she was a hoot.

Dream feelings #13 - the garage

A dream about this:

an actual photo of the garage from back in the day

A dream with many small vignettes, but the biggest was this: I am in the garage, straightening it out. There is once more a lot of chaos; things that need to be sorted/organized/made room for.   I work a small area, making ground, and someone comes behind me and hangs a striped blanket up near what I was tidying.  It feels rough like wool, and the stripes are large and wavy in green, blue, orange, black.  What is this?  Where did this come from? It becomes known to me that its something for camping. As I am cleaning and straightening, Mark is adding more stuff.  I look out of the garage and see a large junky vehicle like a van and ask what is that? Mark answers me with a word I don't know.  "Don-something".  That's not staying here, right?  It will take up the whole driveway. Yes, it is, he says.  I immediately start yelling "NOOOOOO" and sink to my knees.  All that effort in trying to get a handle on the mess and straighten, and he gets to do whatever he wants and add more junk. The dreams ends and I get up for the day.

******

I never had any say in how we managed anything out here.  If I spent hours sweeping and organizing it, tossing trash, organizing equipment after campouts, making space for whatever crap Mark decided to bring home, and making room for the kids to park their bikes and scooters, he would downplay it or get angry that it was a problem for me.  And it always took me hours - it was sweaty dusty heavy work.  And he was never OK with helping.  I never felt like this space was mine too, even though I had to work so hard on it and help pay for it.  I still have so much anger about it.  The state of the garage mirrors how I felt about my married life.

I had to go out to the garage and take a couple of photos of what it actually looks like now:

Mostly so I could reassure myself.  I know what and where everything is out here.  There are spaces to walk.  There is order.  Everything is manageable.

And no one can tell me shit about it.

I could still get rid of some things - I probably will.  But never again will I feel that I have no control or peace in my own home, smothered by literal stacks and piles of things and having no say in it.

Sh*t my mother said

Have you ever heard of the book "Sh*t My Dad Says"? It's hilarious.  Every now and then I will remember some sh*t my mother said and it stings a little, but is funny never the less.  Please enjoy this photo of her giving me the look she often did, while you read some of her jewels. (this might be one of those on-going projects as I remember more)

that look says it all

This place looks like the wreck of the Hesperus!

What will I care?  I'll be dead.

Oh, just gimme the damn thing!

You'd complain if you were being hung with a new rope.

Rich people who get themselves into trouble  "can't stand prosperity".

I'm just going to let the world turn a time or two.

The very idea!

I wish I could run away from home.

Get out the damn way!

Just burn time, Melissa (sister).

She/He don't know her/his ass from a hole in the ground.

Its cold as a witches tit.

Why are you laughing?

She/he doesn't have sense enough to come in out of a pouring thunderstorm.

Alene (sister) only gets one day off, after all - the rest of us get 24 hours.

I wish I were in Spain! 

I wish you kids would get grown!

(to my sister and I) If you had a brain cell between you, you'd set your hair on fire!

Gina just loves those children...(shaking her head)

You can go straight up and turn left.

Stick it where the monkey put the banana.

Loosen your GRIP.

Have you spoken to your sister Griselda?

Oh, Gina...you're not going to heaven. (in a sad voice)

(muttering) Bad ole girl.

I wish I had all boys - they would come help me.

Other jewels:

*One time she told me I was praying all wrong because I didn't say "In Jesus' name" at the end and that my prayer didn't count.

*When driving Mother someplace she would say "you planning on stopping any time soon?" when you were 1/2 a block from the red light.

*She loved to watch what she called the "I Hate Trump" channel.

*She would tell us that we had the "Whitworth frown". (my maiden name)

*In high school she would sit on the edge of my bed with her coffee in the mornings chirping "Uppie uppie!"

*She loved to refer to our Dad as "Old Whatshisname".

*When I wore mums and corsages to football games, she'd say I looked like Mrs. Astor's horse.

*Told my sister she was "carrying (her daughter) around on a pillow".

*Got angry with me for drinking coffee (she could not) while I was giving her a ride to her eye surgery at the crack of dawn.  I asked "do you want me to stay awake while I drive, Mom?", and she hushed.

*One minute telling me what a great (weekend) job I had then next telling me I was going to hell for working on the Lord's Day.

*If I mentioned my daughter, she would interrupt with "Don't tell ME what to do!", which was not something my daughter was known for saying.

* Sometimes she would sing "no one loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat a bug!" if you were feeling down.

*If you were a telemarketer, she would just gently lay the phone down on the table and walk away. 

Most of these things made me laugh - I guess I could cry about them, but where's the fun in that?

Parenting pearls

Not everything that came out of my mother's mouth was kind, but some of it was on target.  Or at least, I figured out what she was trying to say.  She didn't give me a lot of parenting advice, but when she did, it seemed to fit a particular need.

Don't label your children - When my oldest was found to have ADHD, I was initially upset and fearful.  I remember telling my mother how hard school had been for him up to that point and how overwhelmed I felt, having zero knowledge of it and my hands full with work and two other children.  My mother cautioned me not to label Spencer and set him apart in any way from his siblings.  I ended up reading everything I could, getting school accommodations, discussing it with the pediatrician and a specialist, as well as getting him therapy sessions so he could talk to an objective and understanding adult.  It would turn out that 3 of my kids had this trait, and we didn't toss the label around like it was an issue. 

Don't stress over potty training so much - it will happen before he goes to kindergarten - I had a particularly hard time potty training my 3rd child as his little world was rocked when his baby brother came along.  The daycare wasn't engaged in training him during the day, and again, I was working full-time now with three kids, exhausted and heavily pregnant. A new baby arriving made him even more resistant.  Several months later I wailed to my mother that he was going to be four before I got him trained! (he was, pretty much)  But he did in fact, decide to use the potty before preschool.

Loosen your grip - This nugget of parenting wasn't exactly offered in a nice way, but as time has gone on, I realize the wisdom in it. Maybe the bigger message was for me to loosen control of my kids as they mature and let them make their own discoveries and mistakes.  That's a very hard thing to do - watching them fall when you are right there and could catch them.  But truly, people learn by doing, and kids need to learn the consequences of their own choices. This parenting pearl has me moving into a new phase of parenting - offering guidance and support only when my kids ask for it. 

What about you?  Did you get any parenting pearls from a hands-off grandparent?

Happy things for Summer 2025

she's looking forward, and so am I

 

Like everyone else, I have a mix of Good and Not So Good in my days, but I'm choosing to focus on the Good more often to serve the confirmation bias of my brain.  So with that in mind, here's the current list of happy things for summer:

*I will have a 3 Mental Health Mondays in June/July, and I will probably take one or two in August as well.  The one I took in May felt good.  I have moved from feeling bored/sad/at loose ends on these days, to feeling more optimistic and engaged.  Its like a mini vacay with low expectation/high possibility.

*I will continue meeting my college friend for coffee a couple of times a month.  Not only is she a good listener, but a good conversationalist, and she and I share some fundamental similarities and outlook on life and motherhood. Bonus: I'm trying out new coffee places.

*I am going to a concert at the end of June and Chloe said she will get me safely there and back. 

I joined The Long Center and will attend as many Drop In concerts on Thursday evenings as I can.  I also signed myself up for a theater performance at the Zach in July.  I am scheduling myself fun things to do, out on my own, with the goal of enjoying life.

*I signed up for two grief webinars in June, and have an eye appointment in June, and a dental appointment in July. I am still working on: finding swim lessons and going to the pool to exercise, daily walks, watching what I eat to avoid the foods that I am sensitive to, drinking far less with the goal to be dry, watching what I spend, following a grocery budget, figuring out a beach trip, and encouraging Grayson to find an apartment.

Its not a crazy busy summer, and it feels do-able with measurable goals!

He's not here, I am

 A couple of years ago, I got a very unhappy response from one of my peeps regarding Father's Day and the fact that I did not send out a group message acknowledging the day.  And Father's Day is creeping back up on us, so here's what I have to say about that:

I'm still here, he is not.

I'm still doing my job as parent, providing all of the emotional support of both parents.

I'm still here for you to come to when your life falls apart and you need a roof over your head for a little while.  I'm still the one who will organize and implement family holidays, all hosted by me, at my house.

I'm the one who is keeping the ship afloat - paying for the life insurance policies, letting you keep your cell phone on my plan because its cheaper for you that way, helping you pay for college, guiding you through small and not so small struggles that you need advice on.

I'm also the one 100% responsible for my own health and the care and repair of my house and car, with very little, if any, assistance from you.  I'm the one who collects your mail that still gets delivered to me and who makes you a stocking every Christmas.

When you were a child I was the one who made sure your summers were full of swim lessons, sport camps, part-time jobs, summer field trips and learning, and trips to the beach.  If you had clothes, chores, scout camp, and opportunities to visit family - that was all me.  I also made sure you and your siblings got to spend a lot of time with each other, seeing movies, going to parks and swimming pools, eating fun snacks, helping me grocery shop, and seeing Austin like a tourist.

I'm sorry Mark is not here and my adult children can choose to honor him in their own way, as I have encouraged them to do - but I will not facilitate that.  Don't misunderstand me (or do) - I'm not saying I was the better parent, but I am saying that I think I did a good job, I still count, and I'm still here.  And I think he would agree with me.

Happy Things for May 2025

In no particular order: 

*We've had enough rain for my front and back yards to flourish. I got some dwarf Nandina planted and will get on an every two weeks schedule with mowing the grass.  Bit by bit, I am getting all of the pollen and leaves off the yards and red rocks area. I trimmed up the Ligustrum and they look like they are blooming, scattered some grass seed which I noticed has sprouted, and the Japanese boxwood on either side of the garage got a big chop!  I mulched everything out front, too.  It was good to catch up on all things yard-related. 

 

*I have sold the Baja - praise!  I'm not getting much for it, but I am OK with that. It didn't make sense to pour more money into it, and as fate would have it, the thing died - with the windows rolled down. It was the last big thing of Mark's to go, and not seeing it in the driveway will be amazing.

*I have several things planned for myself in May so far, including a grief webinar, coffee with a friend, annual physical, and a concert at The Long Center.  It feels good to have a mix of things on my To Do list - all of it is really self care.  I started walking again (took a break in February that lasted too long) and I am still talking with the therapist.  Cooking is making me feel less angry and stressed.  My hair has responded to the minoxidil and is sprouting.  Overall, I feel better.

*Chloe stepped up to support her youngest brother during a tough time.  I am reminded that my kids are nice people who love each other and these reminders do my heart such good.  I was giving them some space, but I want to engage with them more often.  Dylan got a cat and is adjusting to life in his new apartment - I miss him but I'm so glad he is doing OK.

Goal:  keep this positive momentum going!

Dream feelings #12 - nothing to wear

I have nothing to wear!

I am getting ready to go to an event, wearing a mauve something that is very hot and uncomfortable, long and sweater-like, looking through my closet with someone else, trying to find something to wear.  The choices were outdated or not appropriate for the occasion.  All of them seemed very long or over-sized.  The person helping me wasn't all that helpful - pointing out that I had nothing to wear, then leaving to get themselves ready.  I went through all of the things again.  Nothing matched.  Nothing was the right size, nor color.  I could see specific things:  a couple of sleeveless dresses with heavy pleating on the bodice and a large floral pattern, skirts that had no coordinating tops, things like that.  It seemed like these were clothes that had been hanging in here a long time.  Time was running out to decide and all around me people were coming through from other parts of the "house", ready and leaving to attend the event.  A female person I did not recognize came down the stairs, wearing all black formalwear, but did not speak to me.  I was standing there, still wearing the sweater thing, feeling very hot and uncomfortable, knowing that I was missing out, but could do nothing about it.

Yikes, it will take me a minute to decipher this one!

Boredom

 I've had some times lately when I thought I would go bonkers with boredom.  And its not like I don't have things I can do - I'm not chained to my house or my desk at work.  I have the freedom to get up and move around, change the activity I am working on, find something to do.  I was telling a friend that when I'm home, I almost wish I was at work; when at work, I almost wish I were at home.  Its a weird feeling to not want to be either place and not know or feel enthused about what you want.  Like most people, I can tell you what I don't want most days. 

Turns out that persistent boredom can be a problem that makes depression or anxiety worsen - I definitely don't want that.  So I am trying to fill my days with a combination of chores and activities - things that make me feel like I have a purpose and something to look forward to, adding in times of rest as well.  I know my plan is on the right track, but that doesn't make it easier to get the train to move.  There will always be times where I want to give in to rotting on the couch like I am doing in the above photo. Time to review and add to my list of mood boosters, which also has a couple of boredom busters.  How do you deal with boredom?  Please tell!

Happy Things for April 2025

I thought that once I had gotten through February, it would be smoother sailing, but that was just magical thinking... Some of March was productive: I finished painting and purging and organizing the garage, did coffee dates with myself on Wednesdays, visited a pretty sculpture garden, took myself to a couple of movies out, got my taxes filed, volunteered at a wine competition, met with my retirement account counselor, and took at least one mental health day off of work.  But along the way I had some rough days.  So here's what I will look forward to in April: 

prickly - like me, sometimes

*Taking myself to a concert!  I'm going to see Chicago - one of my favorite bands as a teenager

*a brewery meet-up with other ladies to sip beer and swap books

*a follow-up with my dermatologist regarding treatment for my hair loss which is working!

*going to visit a local farmer's market

*attending a fun art activity at another brewery

*going to check out this place for another fun interactive art experience

*working on Easter Sunday - will take a great lunch with me

*taking a mental health Monday off (will plan something fun to do)

I'm trying hard to keep my head up and moving forward, but its a slog some days. My #1 goal is to get out there and "people".  Its getting a bit easier each time.

Many things assumed

     I chose to marry and I chose to be a mom.  No one coerced me either way.  I felt young, strong, and in love.  I was fortunate to marry the person I chose who chose me, too. We agreed on the place we wanted to live, in the city we both wanted to live in.  When to start a family.   And the first few years were idyllic.  Once we our family starting growing and the dynamic was set in motion - there was big change and many things were assumed. 

      Who would do the planning/shopping/cooking of food? Who would do the bulk of the childcare during the week and still work full time?  Who would take care of laundry?  Purchase and store everyone's clothing? Who would handle household cleaning on regular basis? Who managed our bills? Who kept track of communication with extended family? Who provided medical and dental insurance as well as a retirement account? Kept track of all of our important information and documents?  Who arranged activities for the kids to include transportation, dues, uniforms, meals, permission slips, doctor visits, dental care, and back to school items? Volunteered at school, attended parent/teacher conferences, picked kids up? All me.  I made lists. Reminded everyone. Was exhausted and overworked.  As a Mom and Wife I took responsibility for everyone's everything.

 

     Things He took care of: Dropping off the kids to school/daycare on his way to work.  Getting them to pre-arranged activities on the weekends.  Mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, doing basic household repairs.  Arranging major car repairs.  Showing up for the kids in Scouts, band, basketball, karate.  Setting up our insurance policies.  Handling most of the legwork for vehicle and large appliance purchases. Grilling on Saturday nights. Filling our garage and closets with a lot of stuff.   Yes, he did many things for us as a husband and father.  But also, who got to develop his own interests and hobbies and relationships outside of the home and office? And who forced his agenda to include two RVs and property in Burnet that I was allowed to co-sign on, and help pay for, but that he got to control. Him.
     Was I taken for granted? I think so. But wasn't I also complicit in that because I let it go on so long? Once you have roles that are entrenched in your home and marriage, how do you break free of them? I was a working mom with two college degrees - if he didn't wonder how I felt about all of it, why not?  I will never know, because it all ended abruptly, before I got the chance to talk to him about it.  I had plans to tell him that I wanted us to be more equal partners, with a say so in how we spent our time and money in retirement.  I would have told him that compromises were needed in areas of our home and how we spent our time together.  That there were things I wanted and needed for our relationship to be healthy.  That I expected him to take care of his health first and make sure we could carry out whatever plans we decided on, as a team. To reconcile the resentment I felt.

The biggest assumption was that I could make myself heard and that we had time to make changes.  Both of us were good people who loved each other and the family we created - couldn't we have made big changes? I would love for that to be the legacy I hold onto, not just all of the assumptions that ultimately led to regret.

What I want life to be like one year from now

On Valentine's Day, I gave myself some love.  I'm feeling better about being a single person and I am more than ever focused on what it is I want from life.  That got me to thinking: 

what do I want life to be like a year from now?

First and foremost, I want to feel okay on my own.  I want to be able to attend movies, concerts, and other events solo and have a great time.  I want to be able to say hello to strangers and start conversations. I want to explore all of the things I want to do without worrying about my safety, how I look, or whether I am the only single person there.  I will leave myself open to approach, because the goal is to feel comfortable out in the world.  I want to open my mind and heart to the possibility of finding new friends, new experiences, a new way of seeing my life.  

In one year, I am sure that I will live completely alone.  So, do I keep this house, or find a smaller one?  Do I stay in Austin or do I move a little further out of the city? I think I may take this one year by year, depending on how I feel about my life situation.  How do I manage the quantity of my things, whether I move or stay?  Before moving, I will need to pare down the amount of stuff I own.  So, in one year I want to have a better idea of whether I stay here or go.

In one year I want to be able to say I got rid of the remaining items that I have no use for.  Namely, the Baja, the Cricut, the camping gear, the guns, and any tools I do not use or want.  I was hanging onto certain things thinking that my kids would be in relationships, with families and houses, but it doesn't look like that's happening and I'm not going to be a storage facility.  I have boxes of stuff to send to 2 extended family members.  I want to say I emptied the garage out except for what I absolutely wanted and I repainted it and it's DONE.  

In Feb. 2026, I want to be able to say that I got several big things done at Rustown whether I am selling or not.  Some of the maintenance items are doable by me and I have a schedule set up for that.  The garage, carpet, and a new fridge are on part of my plans.  I want to look back on my list and feel proud.

Lastly,

I want to have made so much progress in therapy that it tapers off into maintenance sessions.  I appreciate and am grateful for all of the help the therapist has given me, and inspired me to give myself.  I want to be able to say I made great strides in 2025.  This is something I plan to work hard at, investing the time and effort into myself. 

This sounds like a list of resolutions, and maybe it is.  My goal is to stop just surviving  - I want to thrive.  I think it's fitting that March is the month where I focus my efforts on self-love and care.  See you in 2026, February.

Dream feelings #10 and #11 - where are my helpers?

 Two similar dreams, two nights in a row.

#10 - Nothing about the place feels familiar, but I know I am standing in my mother's kitchen hand washing dishes with someone I think is my sister/daughter.  I hand her a soapy dish which she is to rinse, but she just stands there holding the dish as there is no where to rinse it or place it to dry.  I become annoyed and tell her she needs to help!  She disappears.  I am increasingly stressed as I realize its not just the kitchen I have to help clean but the whole house, which feels very large and messy.  Everyone else who was in the background also disappears and leaves the door open. I am alone, thinking how can I possible get all of this done? The dream ends.

#11 -  I am decorating a small artificial Christmas tree that someone else had already started, as evidenced by clumps of candy canes tied onto it.  I realize that the tree has not been fluffed so I have to do that first, and the tree is sitting in a place where we can't get to it to decorate, like a recessed area on the floor.  But no one else is helping me do it.  Someone tells me that its not finished because there are kitties/puppies somewhere nearby, but I continue working on it anyway, moving the tree, trying to fluff it out.  Then I get annoyed that no one else is really helping me get it done. The dream ends.

I'm a little surprised that I managed to remember so much of each dream as I didn't write them down right when I awoke.  They really may as well be the same dream: I am doing something alone, that I need help with, and everyone leaves me to it.  Important themes: large house, holidays, loneliness, leftover messes for me to deal with, small animals = kids, resentment.

My superpowers*

I think its a good idea to stop now and again and remind myself that although I may need improvement in some areas of life, in others I got this! 

I am strong and resilient, physically and mentally.  Even when I've been very down, I manage to get up every day.  This is something I have gotten better at as I age. 

I try to stop and listen to others and seek to understand them before making myself understood. I can keep a secret and am loyal to my friends. I want to be the person you can lean on. I also ask for and consider all the advice I am given.

I am a champion List Maker and rely on it to help me move through the day.  I like to be organized.

I have a good sense of humor and I like to laugh with others, but I also believe in a good cry.  Holding my feelings in is not for me. I can express myself fully.

I have a knack for getting lost while driving, no matter how close it is to my house or whether Google maps is helping me.  Its something I'm resigned to now.

I am a words person, not a numbers person, so don't come at me with anything other than simple math. I credit this to all the reading I have done and word puzzles I like to do. 

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts