Grief Share

I ended up not completing the Grief Share class.  Got about halfway through and thought "this is not really how I want to spend my time off".  I felt like: 

*I couldn't make it apply to my life

*The content was way too preachy

*It took a 2 hour chunk out of one of my days off

*Some of the people seemed "stuck", so was it actually helpful? 

The facilitator was going to do a "Surviving the holidays" thing on the 20th, but I had plans with a friend for that day.  She was disappointed that I thought the class was not the right fit, but its not about how she feels about it that is important to me right now.  I don't think there is one approach to dealing with grief that works for everyone.  So I can keep trying things that people suggest, but I will drop them if they don't fit my situation.  

Dream feelings #6 - family vacation

I've spent a fair amount of time lately stewing about this broken pipe at Highlands. I know my dream has something to do with this issue.  It has to be done before anything else happens out there to get it ready to sell - with no water up at the top of the hill you cannot even mow.  Everything is too dry and all of the dry grass and piles of brush are a fire hazard.  

It can be fixed.

The dream:

Our entire family (the four kids were young enough that Dylan and Grayson were pre-school/toddler) were gathered on a beach, waiting to gain possession of something we had rented.  We were on vacation? It required some assembly - connecting tubing of some sort (made of pvc pipe) but it wasn't working.  The managers/owners (there were three) were saying something about a part being repaired, sorry, you can't use this today.  I lost my temper and told them they were stupid!  Meanwhile, Mark was leading the kids over to a spot further down the beach where he was asking about what part was being repaired so he could get a better understanding of the issue.  I thought to myself during the dream - yes, that's a better tactic.  We walked through some caves with low standing water.  It was a large cave with platforms.  At one point you had to go underwater.  Amazingly, we all did.  We had almost reached our destination when I realized the youngest child was not with us.  I'm not clear though on whether it was Grayson or Dylan.  I panicked a little and thought Oh, God I hope he isn't drowned already.  I made my way back towards the beach, feeling frightened of drowning myself now that I was traveling alone.  Instead of taking the route underwater, I took a slippery sloped roof access in the cave and jumped into shallow water feet first, then headed towards a ladder heading further down.  That's where the dream ended.

Notes:

*Obvious reference to broken PVC pipe and water

*Me panicking, feeling angry and sad, and not thinking a problem through calmly right off the bat is sort of my thing lately.  Its like my mind has to process it s l o w l y.

*Mark leaving, the kids viewing him as their leader - I feel like I'm doing a poor job of keeping my shit together as family matriarch

*We took one vacation as a family - ONE - and it was to a beach

*Worry at the back of my mind about Grayson and Dylan, specifically

*Facing my fears and doing what needs to be done

*ladders - standing on them several times the past few months has done my janky knee no favors

Its been since 2019 that I have felt the need to write down a vivid dream, which is amazing to me as so much has happened in the interim, you'd think there would be no end to the amount of material my subconscious has to dream about!

Baldy

 Please enjoy this pic of Mark and Dylan atop Mt Baldy, Philmont, in the summer of 2013.

They are eating celebratory Oreos.  Later, much later, I find out from Dylan that he was worried about his dad being able to make it up to the top of the mountain.

Instead of Oreos, likely he needed a heart cath.

I think its good we don't know the future.

I did a very stupid, unintended thing. 

I managed to delete ALL of my photos.

Every single one of them.

I downloaded DiskDrill to try and find them, but I must also have done a cleaning scan with C Cleaner around the same time, not realizing that ALL of my photos were in the recycle bin.  This happened about a month ago, and have I done anything else?  Like take my computer to  professionals that can possibly help me find them?  Have I connected my external hard drive to see what archived photos I can find?  Have I searched the Google cloud, Dropbox, or Blogspot to find them?  All no.  I actually feel a cross between paralyzed and ambivalent.

But the loss of photos does not mean the humans do not still exist in my heart.

Prior to 2008 or so, all of my photos were printed.

And I am still doing nothing about it, but pretty soon, I will address it.

When I get a spare day or two.  In February.

Let the phone go

Want a virtual kick in the ass?  Go through your husbands phone after he dies. 

Look at all of the photos, text messages, emails, music, notes, etc.

See what a funny, smart, kind, hard working, and loving man he was and how much he loved his family.  Let the text messages and recorded calls go - reading them or listening to them will wreck you every time.  Upload all of the photos you think you will want to save.  You don't need ones that show serial numbers on the dryer, or post-it notes from his job.  Delete the contacts, unless you want to jot down numbers for that guy who came and fixed the roof after a storm, or the real estate agent who you may need again.  Uninstall the apps he had on there, then re-set the phone back to factory settings and let one of your kids have it, because your husband purchased this new phone two months before he died and someone can use it.  You've already donated all of the shoes and clothing.  Taken the old glasses to the eye doctor for charity.  Given all of his office equipment back to his employer.  Paid off his truck and kept it maintained.  You put his jewelry in a safe place.  Organized his tools and camping equipment in the garage.

Now, let the phone go.

Mood boosters

 I am learning to deal with Life and Grief as it comes.  Might as well compile a list of things that might help, compiled from many sources.

A big one for me might also be to put my feet up and relax more often on my patio while listening to nature all around me and step away from the To Do lists.

Take a social media break

Wake up earlier

Get some sun (vitamin D)

Do a quick tidy up of a messy space

Write in your journal

Text a friend

Write a letter to your mother

Chew gum

Take a walk/do yoga/exercise

Smile at people, chat with a stranger

Listen to music (not the sad variety), dance {altho sad music can be cathartic and help you "cry it out",  happy music will elevate your mood}

Eat healthy foods; cook yourself something good

Light a candle

Drinks lots of water

Stay social, engage in cultural activities

Volunteer

Garden 

Make a thankful list, reflect on the good

Watch something funny

Give someone a hug

Pet a dog or cat

Take Omega 3's, get some vitamin C

Practice slow deep breathing, check your posture

Do puzzles

Pray, meditate

Buy yourself fresh flowers

Eat chocolate

Visualize your best self

Cuddle something soft (like a blanket or pillow)

Spend time with your loved ones

Create and craft

Use scents: geranium, citrus, lavender, fresh grass

Aim for eudamonic happiness - this is gained by doing things that provide meaning and give you a sense of striving to be your best self

Happy things for July 2022

This month, I am trying to focus on the positive so that I don't get sucked back under the waves.  Its going to be a day by day kind of thing.  And once July is over, I *think* I can move on. 

Keep going - blue skies ahead

*My finances are much improved with no RV and truck notes.  I am eating at home as much as possible, and am making fewer trips to Highlands which is saving me a little in gas.  The house note even went down $100.  So, I feel like I can live on what I make.

*My knee doesn't hurt every day like it was.  I'm going to chalk it all up to arthritis which got inflamed with all of my ladder-climbing.  I am taking good care of myself.  I am eating healthily, cutting back on beer and wine, and eliminating those evening trips to Culver's.  I take my vitamins and drink water and get good sleep.  So I think I have covered the basics and will fine tune it all as I go.

*There was a flurry of activity here this year: getting trees trimmed up, getting the sprinklers working, replacing the alarm system, cleaning out the attic and garage.  Although I am proud of myself for taking care of my home, I am giving myself a break from repairs and such until the end of summer so that I have breathing room to just enjoy some summer.

*I am experiencing a lot less crying and anxiety attacks - actually rarely.  I expect that my depression is slowly ebbing and I am looking forward to just feeling what I feel and dealing with it as it comes.  I can trust myself to know myself.  

That's four things that are BIG.  I am looking forward to simpler Happy Things lists in the future!

Happy Things for May 2022

There are actually happy things happening in May!  I made it to summer!

1.  As of this post, I may actually have a buyer for Darby (the Winnebago).  FINGERS CROSSED.  This is actually a happy and sad thing, I guess.

2.  The alarm system is once again functioning and monitored!   It feels good to resolve these things.  Next up is either having the house painted or replacing the carpet and bathroom floors.

3.  Healthwise, I am feeling good.  I may have gained a little weight back, but I am talking care to make sure I eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, take my vitamins, and move more during the day.  I tried yoga, didn't love it, but I will continue with some stretching.  My hair is growing like crazy - this time last year I hated my short hair, now I need a trim!

4.  My sewing and craft room is once again a sweet-smelling, well-lit, happy place to be.  I recently re-covered the chair pad, added a lamp, and bought a pretty desk mat.  I usually have soft jazz playing and that also adds to the creative atmosphere. 

5.  The City of Austin's Big Trash Day is back!  I am so happy to once and for all empty the attic and garage of all the crap that still needs to go.  I want to know exactly what I own and  where it is - complete control over all of the things with space to move and breathe.  

Happy rest of May!