Dream feelings #8 - slipping away

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile.

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house. 

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years so clean-up was manageable.  I will plant new lantanas this month, too.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come clear out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs look "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.

The amateur radios, et al.

This will seem like a long rambling story.

About throwing Mark's shit away.

Mark was an amateur radio operator.  He had been interested in it for years, back when CB radios were a thing.  So in the very early 90's he got his radio license.  He commandeered the walk-in closets at both houses to make his very own "ham shack" and climbed around in both attics, installing antennas.  He also installed radios in all of his vehicles, with the associated antennas.  He was a member of several emergency response organizations, taught a radio badge for boy scouts, and participated in several City of Austin Emergency Response drills (remember Y2K?).  Recently I came across all of his licenses and certificates and training manuals and books and notes and ID badges and CRAP and seriously, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.  I cleaned out the drawers I had it all stored in.  Then I turned my attention to the actual radios and etc.

I had pulled all of them out of the master closet and was this close to taking them all to the recycle center when Grayson said, lets sell them I'll help you.  But after a month's time, we both realized we were in over our heads.  So in a fit of  "myGodIcan'tstandthisanymore", I pushed all of it to one side of the garage while I worked on another project. Then I calmly pulled the recycle bin around to the garage and loaded up all of the manuals and cardboard boxes Mark had saved.  I shoved the radios, and a very old chainsaw and drill, into the back of the truck and made an appointment at the recycle center to drop them all off.  I felt a twinge of guilt, then I remembered:

Mark is not his stuff.  Mark neither cares about nor needs ham radios in heaven.  Mark would understand the burden of this stuff and would want me not to be unhappy in my home.  Then I let them go.

P.S.  Someday I may tell the story of how we struck a deal involving ham radios with Mark going to the dentist...

That was hard

About a month ago, I got this card in the mail, sent via the donor people, from someone thanking our family for donor tissue for use in healing of her arm.  Apparently, the tissue was taken from Mark.  This happened back in November of 2023, but we just got the note.  So, the tissue graft was successful.

I'm glad.  That's the point of being a donor. 

I didn't know what to think about it at first.

I shared it with Dylan and Grayson, since they are home with me.  They both quietly and calmly acknowledged it.  It spent a week or two posted on the fridge, then I put it away in the "Mark" file, with all of the other sympathy cards and letters we have received. And while I know Mark would have said something like "very cool!", I can't also help but think it wasn't so.  I'm thankful to know that I honored Mark's wishes and he has the potential of helping others, but still. 

It did wreck me a little bit. 

That was hard.

Things I forgive Mark and myself for*

Well, pretty much everything.

Mark and I did not live the charmed life, weren't perfect parents, and were often disconnected as spouses.  We argued about basic things and had a hard time apologizing.  He was a borderline hoarder, socially outgoing and likeable, super involved with his children.  I was organized and detail focused, balancing home, my job, and child rearing, and was sometimes introverted.

Over the years we disagreed about big things.

In other words, we were human.

I've had to remind myself not to place Mark on some kind of pedestal.  But, he was a truly good person, who loved me only a little less than my own mother did.  I don't regret one minute of my life spent with him, and I hope he would have said the same about me.  No one has a perfect marriage, and what even constitutes that?  We made a life together that produced a beautiful family and we had some very good times mixed in.  And we had real love.

Whenever I beat myself up about what I could have or should have said or done, I remind myself that forgiveness works both ways.  I'm sure he would feel the same if he were here, looking back on our life together.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for March 2024

I made a calendar for myself of all the things I wanted to work on this year at my house.  

One of the first things for March is fixing another shared fence section between me and a neighbor.  Surprisingly, he agreed to cover half of the cost and is going to pay for an extra post, as well.  So including this getting resolved, here are the other happy things for March:

*I sent a money donation to the senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom, who would have been 94 yesterday. 

*I got the Baja put in my name and it was fairly painless.  That's one step forward to getting the issue of the vehicles resolved. 

*My labs came back all "within normal limits" and my cholesterol was "great" - a quote from my doc.  Now I just need to get the reflux in check and I am working hard on that. My weight is stable, too.

*I am almost done selling all of the items I had listed on Ebay. 

*The seasons are changing and Spring is just about here.  I am ready to move forward in many areas of life.  I will keep up my walking program and focus on my health!

Things I wish I could do over*

I'm sure that a lot of people play this game with themselves. If you could only go back in time, right?  Maybe you are remembering a happier time and just want to re-live it.  Recently Grayson told me he wanted to be 16 again -  when he was happy.  My heart broke a little.  Being 16 is something I would do over, too, but for different reasons. 

When I was 16 I lacked discipline and direction.  I dreamed and wished for a life that I wasn't actively working toward achieving.  And I wasn't a particularly nice person because I was so dissatisfied with my life.  I lost my way with my religion, relationships, self-respect.  I made good grades, got my driver's license and a part time job, and attained some status in high school circles.

me at 16

Here's what I would do differently starting at 16:

*focused on what I wanted to do for a living someday, and apply for jobs and opportunities that aligned with that.  I would have maintained a high standard of honesty and hard work, limiting my absenteeism, gaining insight from my peers and supervisors, and learning how to manage my money.

*enjoyed all of the opportunities high school had to offer instead of being so focused on popularity, drill team, and boys. Taken college prep level classes.

*pick the university I wanted to attend based on my future goals, graduated on time, worked part time and kept my grades high. Started applying for post college jobs sooner.

*Dated less.  Said no to things I shouldn't have been doing.  Been responsible for my own health and well-being.  Kept the lines of communication open with my mother.

*Made worthwhile connections and met more people.  Honored family relationships.  Gone to church with my mother.  Taken care of my body and my mental and physical health.  Asked for help.

*Plotted a course, then walked the path, held my head up, made myself proud.

Its like they say:  youth is wasted on the young!

*still following a series of prompts