"I've never stopped loving you, but sometimes I don't like you"

I fully realize that there are some things about my relationship with Mark that will never get resolved.  And now it's up to me to process them so that I can have peace with them.

This is one of them.

scuplture at Zach Theater

Sometimes Mark said things to me that were not well-thought out.  I know all of us have done that from time to time.  Were he here now, I might have a discussion with him about this one thing he said and how it made me feel.  Maybe he could have just said "I've never stopped loving you" or "I've always loved you" without qualifying it.  It always seemed backhanded to me, even when I know in my heart that he did love me.  But those two sentences seemed mutually exclusive.

Because how do you say "Sometimes I don't like you" and not have it perceived in a negative way?  Being likeable to your spouse is something we take as granted.  Otherwise, why would they have even married us to begin with, right?  How do you build a life with someone that you sometimes don't like?  How do you merge your financial life with them? Raise a family with them?  Have intimacy with them? Live with them day and and day out for 36 years?

To me, if you love someone, you necessarily like them.  At the very least you don't dislike them.  And you'd never say "I don't like you"* - you might instead say "I don't like what you did/do".  But saying he sometimes didn't like me?  His life partner?  That really cut deep.

He could have said: 

*have more patience with me

*make more time for me

*praise and thank me 

*don't nag/thwart/question me

And that might have opened a discussion where I asked him to:

*share the home load with me so that I am not so exhausted

*listen to me

*praise and thank me, too

Because didn't both of us want to be more likeable to the other?  I would hope so.  And handing someone "sometimes I don't like you" only hurts; it doesn't suggest ways they can do better.  Just my post mortem marriage counseling at work in my brain.

*I was guilty of saying "I hate you" in two very heated arguments.  I didn't hate him.  I hated the situation, the feeling of helplessness, the thing he was doing, or the way I felt.  I should never have said that to him, no matter how I was feeling. And he did call me out on it. I feel terrible about it still.

Dream feelings #15 - driving with my eyes closed

I don't remember thinking it was either of these two cars...
 

I am driving a car with other people in the backseat.  It is dark, or maybe I perceive it to be because my eyes are closed and I can't open them.  I have no idea how well I am driving the car; almost like I am navigating by feeling the road.  I knew I should have my eyes open but I couldn't do it, finally giving up and hoping for the best as the car continued to move along.  No one in the car seemed to be alarmed, although I did feel worried like I shouldn't be driving.  The car comes to a stop and a cop or someone comes to the driver's side and I roll the window down. Its a man.  He says, you know you wrecked your car, right?  But I couldn't remember bumping into or scraping anything and as far as I know we are all still alive in the car.  I didn't know what to say in response, so I just muttered "Oh.".  And I still could not open my eyes.

Is this another retirement dream? Urging me to pay attention?  

Are the passengers my kids? The man, Mark?

Sometimes I wonder if I really know what I am doing and think I will discover someday that I forgot to do something that was crucial.

Dream feelings #14 - college life

Does it count as a nightmare if you awaken feeling stressed out?

I'm in a college lecture hall - its huge.  There's a girl standing next to me that gathers up her things ready to leave at the end of the class.  The prof sees her and they have a conversation from across the room about where the girl is headed to next - almost like she has to justify leaving.  I cannot see the prof, because the seats are so low to the ground.  I think, well I need to be going, too, I have to pick up my kids.  I'm gathering my things up and I notice that around the room there are groups of people doing various things.  Class is over, why aren't they leaving?  One group is singing a capella as they stare at the ceiling.  Another group is working on something that looks very complicated, like math or engineering.  What class is this, I wonder?  No one questions me, so I leave the building thinking that I will have to review my notes and get organized later.  I have to pass this class!  I leave the building, which is huge, and set off to find my car.  As I walk out, I think to myself how beautiful it is outside - all golden, must be Fall.  I know I am getting lost - I am traveling through landscapes I don't remember.  There are so many other students around. I finally stop to rest, under some sort of a bower.  A person stops with me, to ask if she can help.  She is a professor there.  I explain which building I came from, dig through my purse to find information, show her a picture of the faculty, but I am unsure exactly which one is my prof, and all of them look disheveled in the photo, so that's all she notices.  It turns out, she cannot help me find my way back to my car, doesn't know exactly which building I was in.  "Its a big place" she shrugs.  I say "I have to go, I've got to pick up my kids" and I start trying to gather up all of my stuff again.  What a mess, I think.  How am I going to find my car?  I guess I will have to retrace my steps. The dream ends.

{is this a dream about retirement?}

More sh*t she said

The woman could be a character sometimes.

 

I'm good, good girl (as she scooped up some ice cream)

Well, that lasted about as long as John was in the army

I've just been spending money like its going out of style

(also she would say she was spending money on "riotous living")

When I called her she would exclaim "Gina Lynn! How's every little thing?"

Just go on living your life

Lordamercy, Jesus!

When she was ready to end a phone conversation she would say "well, tell me bye"

Pull up your socks and keep going (she didn't believe in depression)

Time for my nappy bye time (time for you to end your visit!)

If you didn't want what she cooked she would say "More for me!"

When she got a haircut, she would say "I feel like I lost 5 pounds and took a vitamin"

Well, its better than a kick in the behind

I lead a boring life (she absolutely did not)

That's nothing to write home about (like the last bit of coffee in the pot)

I feel like an ancient mariner

Its all downhill from here

Gave my sister the parenting advice that children have to "know the fear" (for discipline) 

Mom would pick her favorite grandkids, based on their name and whether she liked it

If she were thrilled with something she'd say "I wouldn't take a nickel for it!"

*One time a lady told my mother that she was "after that man" in the grocery store as Mom pushed her shopping cart closer.  Mom replied "well, I hope you get him".  I about died of embarrassment.

*Another time she was hauling in her spare tire to the tire repair place and brushed across a seated man who said "watch out".  Her reply was "well, get out the damn way!".  He did.

*While driving down a steep street, she started out saying "wheee!" in a gleeful way which turned into something a little more terrified sounding.  Now we all do it on winding roads and hills.

*If she were about to lecture you, she would say "Come in here, I want to tell you something".

*One time, as my sister was over helping Mom (we did so, often), Mom said "I wish I had all boys, because they would help me". (in fact, Mom had two boys who pretty much never helped her)

I miss Mom - she was a hoot.

Dream feelings #13 - the garage

A dream about this:

an actual photo of the garage from back in the day

A dream with many small vignettes, but the biggest was this: I am in the garage, straightening it out. There is once more a lot of chaos; things that need to be sorted/organized/made room for.   I work a small area, making ground, and someone comes behind me and hangs a striped blanket up near what I was tidying.  It feels rough like wool, and the stripes are large and wavy in green, blue, orange, black.  What is this?  Where did this come from? It becomes known to me that its something for camping. As I am cleaning and straightening, Mark is adding more stuff.  I look out of the garage and see a large junky vehicle like a van and ask what is that? Mark answers me with a word I don't know.  "Don-something".  That's not staying here, right?  It will take up the whole driveway. Yes, it is, he says.  I immediately start yelling "NOOOOOO" and sink to my knees.  All that effort in trying to get a handle on the mess and straighten, and he gets to do whatever he wants and add more junk. The dreams ends and I get up for the day.

******

I never had any say in how we managed anything out here.  If I spent hours sweeping and organizing it, tossing trash, organizing equipment after campouts, making space for whatever crap Mark decided to bring home, and making room for the kids to park their bikes and scooters, he would downplay it or get angry that it was a problem for me.  And it always took me hours - it was sweaty dusty heavy work.  And he was never OK with helping.  I never felt like this space was mine too, even though I had to work so hard on it and help pay for it.  I still have so much anger about it.  The state of the garage mirrors how I felt about my married life.

I had to go out to the garage and take a couple of photos of what it actually looks like now:

Mostly so I could reassure myself.  I know what and where everything is out here.  There are spaces to walk.  There is order.  Everything is manageable.

And no one can tell me shit about it.

I could still get rid of some things - I probably will.  But never again will I feel that I have no control or peace in my own home, smothered by literal stacks and piles of things and having no say in it.

Sh*t my mother said

Have you ever heard of the book "Sh*t My Dad Says"? It's hilarious.  Every now and then I will remember some sh*t my mother said and it stings a little, but is funny never the less.  Please enjoy this photo of her giving me the look she often did, while you read some of her jewels. (this might be one of those on-going projects as I remember more)

that look says it all

This place looks like the wreck of the Hesperus!

What will I care?  I'll be dead.

Oh, just gimme the damn thing!

You'd complain if you were being hung with a new rope.

You are just a mass of complaint.

Rich people who get themselves into trouble  "can't stand prosperity".

I'm just going to let the world turn a time or two.

The very idea!

I wish I could run away from home.

Get out the damn way!

Just burn time, Melissa (sister).

She/He don't know her/his ass from a hole in the ground.

Its cold as a witches tit.

Why are you laughing?

She/he doesn't have sense enough to come in out of a pouring thunderstorm.

Alene (sister) only gets one day off, after all - the rest of us get 24 hours.

I wish I were in Spain! 

It just gives me the pip!

I wish you kids would get grown!

(to my sister and I) If you had a brain cell between you, you'd set your hair on fire!

Gina just loves those children...(shaking her head)

You can go straight up and turn left.

Stick it where the monkey put the banana.

Loosen your GRIP.

Have you spoken to your sister Griselda?

Oh, Gina...you're not going to heaven. (in a sad voice)

(muttering) Bad ole girl.

(to me) I hope you get one just like you

(always referring to a man) There's no fool like an old fool!

Other jewels:

*One time she told me I was praying all wrong because I didn't say "In Jesus' name" at the end and that my prayer didn't count.

*When driving Mother someplace she would say "you planning on stopping any time soon?" when you were 1/2 a block from the red light.

*She loved to watch what she called the "I Hate Trump" channel.

*She would tell us that we had the "Whitworth frown". (my maiden name)

*In high school she would sit on the edge of my bed with her coffee in the mornings chirping "Uppie uppie!"

*She loved to refer to our Dad as "Old Whatshisname".

*When I was decorated up with special occasion mums and corsages at football games (I was in dance team), she'd say I looked like Mrs. Astor's horse.

*Told my sister she was "carrying (her daughter) around on a pillow".

*Got angry with me for drinking coffee (she could not) while I was giving her a ride to her eye surgery at the crack of dawn.  I asked "do you want me to stay awake while I drive, Mom?", and she hushed.

*One minute telling me what a great (weekend) job I had then next telling me I was going to hell for working on the Lord's Day.

*If I mentioned my daughter, she would interrupt with "Don't tell ME what to do!", which was not something my daughter was known for saying.

* Sometimes she would sing "no one loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat a bug!" if you were feeling down.

*If you were a telemarketer, she would just gently lay the phone down on the table and walk away. 

*If you made her really mad she would threaten to "Bite you and you'll die of hydrophobia" (rabies)

Most of these things made me laugh - I guess I could cry about them, but where's the fun in that?

Parenting pearls

Not everything that came out of my mother's mouth was kind, but some of it was on target.  Or at least, I figured out what she was trying to say.  She didn't give me a lot of parenting advice, but when she did, it seemed to fit a particular need.

Don't label your children - When my oldest was found to have ADHD, I was initially upset and fearful.  I remember telling my mother how hard school had been for him up to that point and how overwhelmed I felt, having zero knowledge of it and my hands full with work and two other children.  My mother cautioned me not to label Spencer and set him apart in any way from his siblings.  I ended up reading everything I could, getting school accommodations, discussing it with the pediatrician and a specialist, as well as getting him therapy sessions so he could talk to an objective and understanding adult.  It would turn out that 3 of my kids had this trait, and we didn't toss the label around like it was an issue. 

Don't stress over potty training so much - it will happen before he goes to kindergarten - I had a particularly hard time potty training my 3rd child as his little world was rocked when his baby brother came along.  The daycare wasn't engaged in training him during the day, and again, I was working full-time now with three kids, exhausted and heavily pregnant. A new baby arriving made him even more resistant.  Several months later I wailed to my mother that he was going to be four before I got him trained! (he was, pretty much)  But he did in fact, decide to use the potty before preschool.

Loosen your grip - This nugget of parenting wasn't exactly offered in a nice way, but as time has gone on, I realize the wisdom in it. Maybe the bigger message was for me to loosen control of my kids as they mature and let them make their own discoveries and mistakes.  That's a very hard thing to do - watching them fall when you are right there and could catch them.  But truly, people learn by doing, and need to learn the consequences of their own choices. This parenting pearl has me moving into a new phase of parenting - offering guidance and support only when my kids ask for it. 

What about you?  Did you get any parenting pearls from a hands-off grandparent?