Happy things for July 2022

This month, I am trying to focus on the positive so that I don't get sucked back under the waves.  Its going to be a day by day kind of thing.  And once July is over, I *think* I can move on. 

Keep going - blue skies ahead

*My finances are much improved with no RV and truck notes.  I am eating at home as much as possible, and am making fewer trips to Highlands which is saving me a little in gas.  The house note even went down $100.  So, I feel like I can live on what I make.

*My knee doesn't hurt every day like it was.  I'm going to chalk it all up to arthritis which got inflamed with all of my ladder-climbing.  I am taking good care of myself.  I am eating healthily, cutting back on beer and wine, and eliminating those evening trips to Culver's.  I take my vitamins and drink water and get good sleep.  So I think I have covered the basics and will fine tune it all as I go.

*There was a flurry of activity here this year: getting trees trimmed up, getting the sprinklers working, replacing the alarm system, cleaning out the attic and garage.  Although I am proud of myself for taking care of my home, I am giving myself a break from repairs and such until the end of summer so that I have breathing room to just enjoy some summer.

*I am experiencing a lot less crying and anxiety attacks - actually rarely.  I expect that my depression is slowly ebbing and I am looking forward to just feeling what I feel and dealing with it as it comes.  I can trust myself to know myself.  

That's four things that are BIG.  I am looking forward to simpler Happy Things lists in the future!

Happy Things for May 2022

There are actually happy things happening in May!  I made it to summer!

1.  As of this post, I may actually have a buyer for Darby (the Winnebago).  FINGERS CROSSED.  This is actually a happy and sad thing, I guess.

2.  The alarm system is once again functioning and monitored!   It feels good to resolve these things.  Next up is either having the house painted or replacing the carpet and bathroom floors.

3.  Healthwise, I am feeling good.  I may have gained a little weight back, but I am talking care to make sure I eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, take my vitamins, and move more during the day.  I tried yoga, didn't love it, but I will continue with some stretching.  My hair is growing like crazy - this time last year I hated my short hair, now I need a trim!

4.  My sewing and craft room is once again a sweet-smelling, well-lit, happy place to be.  I recently re-covered the chair pad, added a lamp, and bought a pretty desk mat.  I usually have soft jazz playing and that also adds to the creative atmosphere. 

5.  The City of Austin's Big Trash Day is back!  I am so happy to once and for all empty the attic and garage of all the crap that still needs to go.  I want to know exactly what I own and  where it is - complete control over all of the things with space to move and breathe.  

Happy rest of May!

Capable

Somebody recently told me that their brother was having a hard time getting a job.  After all, he's old.  And no one wants to hire someone in their sixties since they're just going to retire soon afterwards.

HE'S  65.

I'm 61, and will be 62 this year.

Every day I think to myself:  I'm strong, I'm smart, and most importantly, I'm capable. I can lug heavy equipment.  Lift things and small humans.  Stand for a long time with a lead apron on.   I get up every day and accomplish a lot before I leave the house.  If someone tells me that I am too old to do my job I will laugh in their face and keep going.  Women live longer, why not?  I'm tired of being asked when I'm going to retire. I'll let you know when I'm ready.

Happy things for April 2022

 In no particular order

Wine Wednesday leftovers for lunch!

*Wine Wednesday with The Girl.  Its good for both of us.  She has to stop working at a reasonable time  and I can't go directly home to hide in my house after work.  She's actually becoming quite the cook - the above meal is baked chicken thighs, roasted brussels sprouts, and homemade farfalle and cheese. We don't drink wine so I don't know why we call it that.  

*It's Spring!  I cannot tell you how much dreary skies makes life seem bleak. I probably shouldn't, but I most definitely am going to spend time in my lawn chair getting some color on my legs.

*The truck is almost paid off, the house note went down $100 a month, and fingers crossed that April will be the lucky month for Darby to sell.  I am feeling a little nervous about my budget what with the RV and a kid in college.  I'm just going to keep expecting the best and working hard.

*Mentally I feel better - on a scale of one to ten, I'm at a solid seven.  I am not rushing myself as I want to legitimately stay feeling better.  Smoothly and calmly moving ahead.  

*I continue to smile every time I think of Scout and Dutch.  I'm so thankful that they emerged not only intact from all of the pandemic, financial, and job/car woes but that they also made a personal and traditional commitment to their long term happiness.  

 I feel pretty good about April so far!

Mad at you

 Is it even fair to be mad at someone after they die? I'm pretty mad at Mark.  Well, not just Mark, but mainly.

I feel like he's listening, somehow

Why didn't you go to the doctor like you said you would?  

Why did you not show me how to do things at Highlands? 

Why did you let projects at Rustown go undone?  

The kids - all could have used your help and guidance a little longer.

Chloe moved here to be closer to all of us.

Dylan and Michelle were making wedding plans.

Gray was struggling with college life in a pandemic.

Spencer could have learned more from you.

To be fair, its not just you I'm mad at.  I am a strong person and I know I will eventually walk out into sunshine.  But it will never again be with you, and that makes me the maddest of all.  You were supposed to be here with me long enough for us to travel and enjoy our time together.

I lost love, companionship, income, and future plans.  I'm hoping this stage of grief will not last forever, because I love and miss you and don't want to be mad at you.

Signs

For some reason last week, I kept thinking about a bracelet that Mark wore every day.  I made a mental note to pull it out of his jewelry box and slip it on before I left the house for Highlands. 

I stopped at our favorite Mexican restaurant and picked up breakfast to go, planning to eat it while I gazed out of the screen door. The minute I pulled up to Highlands, my phone pinged a message from Google - on this day 6 years ago - that sort of thing.  It was photos from a crawfish event we went to at Flat Creek Estate back in 2016.  Mark was just about to start a new job, which included a nice jump in pay.  So to reward himself he bought a heavy silver bracelet. In fact, the same one I pulled out and was wearing. Huh.

We had a lot of fun that day

I spent a beautiful morning at Highlands.  Saw a group of about 7 does on the way up the drive.  Replaced the address numbers at the entrance.  Dug up a cactus to take home.  Moved some peg hooks around to accommodate all of the camp mugs.  That sort of thing.  Exactly the same sort of putsey things we used to do on Saturdays.  Then around lunch time I drove to Marble Falls to pick up Marks favorite fun wine for his memorial, drink a free beer at Save the World, and end my afternoon at 7 Creeks to listen to music.  A fun afternoon!   

When I got home I made myself a comforting bowl of ramen for dinner, watched a little Netflix, then fell fast asleep.  And the next morning I wondered - was Mark somehow with me for all of that?  I felt happy and peace-filled.  A welcome break from the grieving. 

I took the bracelet to James Avery to have it re-sized, and added a heart charm with his initials in script. I will wear it often and think of Mark and the continued signs that he is part of my life.

Happy things for March 2022

*I have reached month seven in my widowhood.  Mark and I talked once about how long-married people lived after their spouse died and he said "six months, tops".  That was his favorite catch phrase whenever we had discussions about the future.  But he will have to wait on me a bit. 

*100% relieved that I have a plan for Mark's memorial:  bluebonnets, BBQ, his favorite tunes, yard games, and sunshine at Highlands.  I will pick a date that works for everyone and we will have a family day.  

*Taking care of myself feels good.  I have been journaling and working on me and managing life on my own terms.  

*The weather is getting better and I can't wait to get my yards in shape for spring and summer!  Fingers crossed that Big Trash Day is not cancelled in April.  I have a load of crap in the garage to set out.  Once its gone, I can venture into the attic.

*As always, I am thankful for my home, my family, my friends, my health, and my job.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful