Tuesday, January 9, 2018

A resolution we both can work on

Hubby has been stressing his job situation recently.  Actually, it's less of a situation than he imagines it to be, but telling him that does absolutely no good.  He makes a very decent wage, is charged with creating something that he was fully aware of before he started, and given tools needed to get it going.  But still, he stresses. And truth be told, there is a lot of pressure to get er done. Every time I hear him express it in the negative, I try to get him to rephrase it.  
But its a habit thats hard for him to break.

To counteract that, I told him that our intention for the New Year had to be something we place all that excess energy into.  And Highlands seems like the right place.  The list of things we need to do out there is long, and some of it is pricey, but we have to start somewhere.  I feel like during the long hot months all we did was manage not to die of sunstroke up there.  But winter is here.  The trash is easily seen.  Time to get that trailer we talked about, look into a tractor, get some big trash piled up, the weeds mowed, a dumpster planned, and more plans made.

This past weekend, we staked off where we thought the house should go, and it was an eye opener.  I looked back towards the space we had sectioned off and imagined my new house sitting there, with its windows and big porch all along the front, its oak trees shading it, its metal roof, and its natural stone siding.  I want to get to work.  I think that moving our dream a little further out of the backs of our minds and into the light will help us intentionally set it in motion.
So that's my New Year's resolution!
Time to get it going.

Monday, December 18, 2017

For a good cause

My sister and I have made a truce, of sorts, to make sure my mother is checked on regularly.  We emailed and texted each other, picking days to call, days to visit.  If this sounds kind of silly, remember that my sister and I are no longer buddies or on friendly terms.  So the least we can do is make sure that our mutual interest (our mother) knows that a couple of us are keeping an eye on her, ensuring we don't miss some valuable and important info.  For example, her falling a couple of weeks ago as she was putting eye drops in...It's good to know about her mishaps so we can follow up.  Maybe call an extra time or two, go down to Brenham and see her a little sooner.  Its not hard to focus your efforts on the people you value most in life.  Most folks do that just fine on a daily basis.  What becomes tricky is getting someone else to think along those same lines. Luckily where Mother is concerned, we both want the best for her.  We want her to be as active and independent as she can for as long as she can, and the key to that is keeping up with her so we know when the time comes to go to Plan B.

All I'm saying is...I still don't trust my sister with my heart.  And I can't see us repairing our friendship.  I don't think enough time has passed and I believe there are some very hurt feelings still pretty close to the surface - both surfaces.  And I need to keep Mark and my kids safe from her ill intentions - because I believe those ill intentions exist.  But we can both agree that we love Mother and want the best for her.  So that's enough for now, and its nice to know I have someone to help.  My hope is that we don't come to a place in time where we want something different where she is concerned.  Because that will make it harder for us to keep her best interests at heart.  And pretty much guarantee that we won't find our way back as sisters.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

December blahs

I feel this December pretty much I like I do every December - pulled in all directions with loads of extra things to go, places to go, people to see, stuff to buy, and the ever-present chores to knock out.  Not to mention work, with it's own stressors.  And Hubby's work stress.  And money stress, which is the worst kind of all.

I would like just one holiday season of calm, but I don't even know if that's possible.  I've been purposely not watching TV or listening to the news, and if it sounds like I am burying my head in the sand, I don't care.  Its all bad news anyway, or loud and jarring store ads with manic holiday muzak.  I don't want to be told that time is running out! on December 9th.  No it isn't, Christmas is still 2 weeks always for crying out loud.  I tried to get as much Christmas shopping done as possible on-line, but I have also had to cram in a Target run or two.  This new work schedule is nice in some ways - leaves much to be desired in others.  Maybe I will miss all this hustle someday when we are out "on our hill" as Mark likes to say.  I would love to find out.

*In keeping with my plan to balance the positive with the negative, the next post will be more uplifting!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Making lists

I have something I use whenever I am on overwhelm...
Behold The List:

Sometimes I will come home after a long day at work and I can't turn my brain off, thinking of all the stuff I need to do the next day.  Sometimes it's stuff I need to get done immediately, sometimes by the end of the week.  Some things are very small, others more important, but ALL of it gets written down.  I used to number the list in order of importance but I don't do that so much anymore - the main thing is to just pick one of the items and get started!  Yesterday this was my list.  It had everything from mop the kitchen to finish the ironing to work on the bank statement and pick up a prescription.  And it all got done!  I felt a strong sense of accomplishment mid-afternoon when I could finally prop my feet up to read a bit.  I was very tired, but it was a good kind of tired, knowing that the week was going to be a lot smoother!  Today I only have a couple of items left to do, and it's entirely possible to get them done early so that there will be more foot propping happening...
Here's to a Happy Sunday!

Sunday, October 22, 2017


I was toodling along IH35 at highway speed when it started.  That feeling came over me, like an aura, then all at once everything jerked to one side.

I felt a little panicky, not gonna lie.  I knew exactly what was happening.  I griped the steering wheel and stiffened up, gritting my teeth and repeating over and over out loud  "No.  Not right now."

I started talking to myself like I was an observer of myself..."Put your hazard lights on.  Slow your speed.  Get over to the right as soon as you can, very carefully.  Pull into the first driveway to the right.".  I missed a couple of driveways, but once I felt like I was going slow enough, I found one and pulled into a shady spot.

Then I called work and told them I would be late...didn't know how late, but I was very close by and would call when I got there.  What else could I do?  I sat there at least an hour.  Pretty much trapped in the car.  I opened the sunroof for air and leaned back in the seat.  Trying to breathe deep and not cry.  Hoping no one would come along and tell me to get out of the parking lot.

And gradually the world stopped spinning, and I made my way in to the hospital about 5 minutes away.  A little foggy headed still.  But alive.  And with resolve to do those damn habituation and head and eye exercises DAILY.  Not to mention see and ENT and see what is going on.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Sunbeams through the weeds...

Last week was not good.  In so many ways.  And I guess I could talk about my troubles, but I guess I ought to also mention the blessings.  Just to keep things in perspective, I guess.

*Dylan announced to us last weekend that he is moving in with his girlfriend.  That he's been dating for a couple months.  So now he will be legally bound by a lease to stay in the apartment for a year, no matter what happens in the relationship.  Plus, his car insurance went up and he now has rent and utilities to pay.  So he's talking about getting a second job, which I have been harping on him for months to do.  Pro:  Many adult life lessons will be learned.  I hope he likes Advil.
*A friend told me she was putting her house on the market and moving out of state.  My only friend at work, really.  And while we don't actually work together anymore, we lean on each other for venting about work issues. And we help each other celebrate holidays and birthdays.  It's been great having that person in my life for 10 years...every time this happens to me, I gradually lose touch with the friend.  Seems inevitable that time and distance will push us further apart.  Pro:  she and her family are making some major changes to their lives that may reap huge benefits for them in the future.  Don't we all want the best for our friends?  My plans do not include making this any more stressful for her than it already is.
*My hearing seems to be deteriorating.  The right ear barely shows up for work anymore.  The tinnitus is  near constant, and I have been having vertigo now and again that scares me to death and makes me nauseous -  and sluggish for the rest of the day it occurs.  Most inconvenient and possible fatal if I happen to be going down the interstate...  Pro:  I am taking steps to find out what is going on with my inner ear, and my audiologist adjusted my hearing aid on the right.
*Hubby is stressing his job.  Again.  Seems like for the last 5 years he's been in a life or death struggle with his job.  Maybe he's just telling me all of the negatives, and not thinking to share the positives, but it sounds like work is not invigorating him and he talks a lot about what we will do for Plan B.  I have no plan B.  I may end up disabled over the damn vertigo thing, not to mention deaf.  And my job is no happier than his.  In fact, it's been craptastic for over a year now.  At the moment it seems like we are just coping with getting through the now to get to the then, and who knows what the future will hold?  No one.  Pro: We both have jobs and are being proactive about maintaining good health and making sound financial decisions.  What else can we do?
*Spencer has boomeranged back - huge shock.  He was in a less than desireable situation so I am happy to provide a roof over his head.  For now.  We barely see him because he's always at work.   But his choices with money and vaping and beer send me over the edge.  At some point I want Spencer to be raised.  Sooner rather than later.  Pro:  He's making baby steps.  I guess all I can ask for is some forward movement. And he does seem to have a strong work ethic.
That's all I will dwell on for right now. Soon I will post about the happy things only.  I am trying my best to focus on the pros but that doesn't mean I want to bury my head in the sand about the cons...

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

It's always something

 I'm not a country girl, and I don't know much about surviving out there, but I will have to learn...

We spent the weekend at Highlands, working on the pumphouse shower, mowing, and tromping around collecting prickly pear fruit.  In the middle of the night Sunday I woke up with crazy itching on my feet!  The next day, when I got out of the car at the grocery store, the itching was driving me nuts.  I looked down and saw a war zone of bug bites.  Either chiggers or fire ants - both rampant out there.  Along with all manner of perils I don't yet know about...

Lord, how they itch and burn.  Scratching them feels good for about 10 seconds, then the pain intensifies!  I thought I sprayed my self pretty well with Cutter, and I assumed since my feet were mostly enclosed, they were safe.  But when I switched to flip flops, I didn't spray again.  My bad. 
Every now and then I think I'm not cut out for country life.  I like civilization, indoor plumbing, and all the conveniences.  I don't consider things like critters and bugs.  So when stuff like this happens, it seems like just another something negative to adjust to.
It'll be fine, I know.  But for now it's a painful learning curve.