Can you hear me now?

About three years ago, I got sick.  Probably strep or some other viral thing, I don't really remember.   But shortly after that, I noticed I had tinnitus that kept getting louder.  And I finally went to see an ear doc.

His take?  "I wish you had come to me sooner I could have helped you."

He had me get a brain MRI to make sure I didn't have an acoustic neuroma - which I did not.  A year after that, when my symptoms had not improved and I noticed I was saying "huh?" a lot, I had my hearing checking again.  BIG hearing loss on the right.   I waited a year or so and had it checked again.  No change.  

Fast forward to now.

See it?

I now have bionic ears!  I can hear my husband breathe.  I can hear the wind chimes in the back yard with the door closed.  I can hear the tiny beep coming from the house alarm system.  And I can hear the cat lick herself sitting next to me.  Some of these sounds are more disturbing to me than helpful, but I'm trying to look at it much the same way one does when told they need glasses - get them and move on.

Donating blood

Donating blood is something I do about every three months or so.  I have many reasons, including that they frequently bestow flowers on me in the "cantina".  Here are some other reasons, in no particular order:

*It's free to do and I can
*I'm basically healthy and I can help some who maybe is not
*By donating, I atone for several sins...
*It helps me with my ladder points at work
*Free snacks, ice cold OJ, and a crossword puzzle to work on while I rest after my donation
*Friendly conversation with like-minded people
*I forget how much the finger stick hurts
*It's a built-in excuse to eat a BIG lunch and take a nap.

Have you ever donated blood?  

That guy

Spencer came to stay while his new apartment is being made ready. I hate that he had to move again, but such is apartment life in Austin.  I'm glad we were able to help him out a bit.  For the most part he is navigating life on his own. But we are glad we could be here for him.
All that is good.

He seems a little down sometimes.  He works in the heat, so I'm sure it's draining all the way around.  I hug him and he doesn't pull away, which is a change from his teen years.  I kiss his scraggly beard and tell him I love him. I think we did a good job with him, overall.  This one took a while to launch, you'd think I would be used to it by now.

Sugar's update

It's been about three weeks since the cat pulled a doozy on us, eating string and having a liver infection.  She is healing slowly but surely.  On her first check up she has lost a little of weight on her scrawny self, but her appetite is good, her litter habits are good, and we are continuing on with the antibiotics.  The vet wasn't particularly worried since she had been through a lot with surgery and all.

She's been keeping a very low profile, sleeping on the floor of my bedroom during the day, and right next to me at night.  There's been a lot of petting and purring going on.

Her sexy old lady cat belly scar will eventually be covered in fur and all of this will be a distant memory.

Sugar

I don't even know what to say about Sugar.  I'm just so super stressed and down in the mouth about it.  She got up into my box of embroidery thread and ate a good long chunk of it.  Then puked bile and about half of the string.  When I pulled on it, it wouldn't budge.  So I knew it was deep.  Shit. I was going to "wait it out, give her some vaseline, see if she would pass it.  But two vets told me over the phone that I better bring her in pronto.  But $2000 later, I wonder if it would have been kinder to euthanize her.  She's 11.  Has been dropping weight.  And the vet says her liver looked strange.

So as of this writing, I have a senior cat recovering from major abdominal surgery, a huge Capital One bill, and a full-time job, so I cannot babysit her, nor can I afford to board her.  And I just want to bring her home, so she can sit in my lap and be told sweet things.  Because I made a promise to care for her when I adopted her.  And she's my cat.

This sucks so bad.

Things I want for you

As a parent, I want my children to have happy, fulfilled lives. And, I want them to get their shit together.

 

 Fall 2012

I want Spencer to further his training and education, get his finances and cell phone in order, meet and fall in love with a stable person his own age, get a decent place to live, get rid of the GT, and get all of the auto crap out of the garage.  Improve his general health, too.

I want Chloe to finish up with summer school without losing her mind, act reasonably regarding living at home for the summer, acquire her own cell and auto insurance accounts, find a decent and safe place to live, get established in her job before she plunges into pet ownership, and meet new people.  

I want Dylan to get more hours at a better job this summer,  do some volunteer work in advance of applying to the program he is interested in, clean his room out, not spend so much time with the girlfriend or on the computer, start contributing to his insurance and phone bill, focus on education, take care of his teeth, and take care of the Escape.

 I want Grayson to read more books, practice his horn, get his room in order, have fun and work on rank advancement at summer camp, not spend so much time on the computer, be in charge of his own laundry start to finish, get to bed at a reasonable time, and do his chores.  

They're nifty people.  I love them lots. They are learning to navigate the world in.  There are no maps, and it can be a treacherous journey.  But they are lucky they have parents who can guide and advise them. 

Choosing forgiveness

 My mother's bottle tree - Spring '11

   My mother is a complicated person.  She can be opinionated with little to no filter, rigid in her thinking, and come off as unfeeling.  I'm not gonna lie - it's very hard to brush off the things she says.  But if you truly know my mother's faults, then you know some other things about her, too.

She is highly intelligent, always learning new things.  She has unshakeable faith and believes in the power of prayer.  Being warm and fuzzy does not come naturally to her - so when she makes the effort to tell me she loves me, I know it comes from her heart.  She is physically strong and basically healthy, but she is 85.  When the day comes to say goodbye I don't want to feel like I should have been a better daughter.     

I need to choose forgiveness and talk to her immediately instead of stewing over something she said when I hang up the phone.  I'm sure it would help to show myself some, too.

Cut loose!

April 22nd was a red letter day!  I had my LAST physical therapy appointment!  The PT measured, timed, evaluated - then she cut me loose.  I told her I bet she would be glad to see the last of me!  But she hugged me twice and told me that she was proud of me, that I worked hard and never gave up. And that I could call her any time if I had trouble. That felt good!  

I mean, REALLY GOOD!

 I might still have stiffness and soreness, but every day I notice a tiny bit more improvement than the day before.  And I know that I will continue on with my exercises and walking, and I will get braver as each week passes.  I will get my bike and start riding, and when the pool opens I can go do laps with my kickboard.  Eventually the stairs won't be a problem for me.  Everything will fall into place, and by November, I can do Turkey Trot.  

Thanks be to God.

Current goals revisited

 These people crack me up

*Get rid of the cane.  DONE. I'm not even using it for going down the steep driveway anymore.  I think I will put it into the garage with the crutches.
*Get a Wii, use Wii Fit.  DONE.  I was using it daily until I went back to work.  Now only on days I can't get out to shop or walk.  Chloe and I are challenging each others' scores, which is fun.

*Finish decorating the house for Spring.  DONE.  Plus, I've done a lot of spring cleaning, which feels nice.

*Take the boys to the movies.  DONE.  And we went out to lunch a couple times.

*Get back into following the home program I set up for myself and the schedule for getting up early.  Halfway DONE.  It's really hard to not just want to rest on my days off.  I imagine this will get easier, and I look forward to continuing with walking.  

*Continue with the EFT and self-hypnosis.  DONE, but every day gets easier and I find I have to self-talk myself into things less and less.

I'm pretty happy with my progress since my first set of goals so here are my new ones:

*Continue with my vitamins, walking, and water.

*Visit my mother in Brenham and allow enough time for a nice long visit.

*Get a handle on the household filing

*Plan a trip in Mabel with Hubby.

*Finish up with PT once and for all

*Make a list of things I want to do this summer and get started.  

Measureable, reasonable, achievable.

 You can do it, Mom!

 

Three weeks back at work

Time flies and I'm three weeks back at work already.  It seems amazing to me, because just a couple of short months ago I was so worried about not being able to get back at all. I am still very tired at the end of my workweek, but I can trust my own two legs to get me where I'm going.  I was welcomed back with (literally) open arms.  That made me feel more at ease for sure.

I'm relieved that things are moving along in the right direction.  I don't know whether to feel bad I had so much doubt, or thrilled for so much success.  I think I will take the latter!

Paradoxical gratitude

par·a·dox·i·cal

ˌperəˈdäksək(ə)l/

adjective

adjective: paradoxical:

                                                seemingly absurd or self-contradictory.

*Knee surgery and recovery was hard, but my knee got fixed.  I had awesome insurance that paid for it.

*I had the holidays with my family in our comfy home with lots of laughter and good food.  I missed respiratory season at work so I didn't get so much as a sniffle.

*I got a mental health break and was able to see work in a different light.

* A friend from work came to see me at home and made my birthday very special. Another friend brought me a lunch. People texted and called.

*I probably drove him nuts, but I learned that Mark will stick with me through ugly stuff, not just the happy stuff.

*I participated in jury duty, but I got to meet people from other walks of life. 

*I caught up on reading and rest.  And I got a paycheck, which lessened the financial burden of having been home for five months.

I've been through a lot the past few months. I'm grateful for all of the lessons.

Current goals

 

In no particular order, I thought I would post my current goals. I am making them as practical as I can while still setting my sights.
Here goes:

 No cane this week, with the exception of getting from the car to PT and back, and maybe if it's raining and I need the mental assist. The long term goal is just to forget I even have a cane.

 

The physical therapist suggested I dust off the Wii Fit and use it.  Not a bad idea since we are halfway done with March and much as I like seeing her, it's getting to be time to wrap this up.

Finish decorating the house for Spring. Get rid of that last collection of pinecones I found on top of the kitchen cabinets. 

 

Take the boys to the movies.  There are three movies playing at the dollar theater so we need to decide which ones to see.  We have to work around Scout's work schedule and my PT appointments, but we have time.

Get back into following the home pt program I set up for myself and the sleep schedule.  Also, I probably should email a brief hello to my boss.  And I need to call my mother and see when I can visit her.

Continue with the EFT and self-hypnosis.  Neither one of these things hinder me and I believe they are beneficial.  

All in all, fairly reasonable goals.

What I say when I talk to myself

I think talking to yourself is a valuable tool as something you can do to love and support yourself.  But I have to remember to keep it realistic.

So, I do a validity check on that negative stuff - is it true?  "Maybe you aren't where you want to be today, but you are getting there.  This is hard, but just keep trying.  Give yourself some credit for what you can do and how far you have already come."  Will things be hard sometimes?  Yes, but there's a every possibility things will work out.  So I can keep that in mind while I talk to myself.

Baby Steps

I've talked a lot with my physical therapist and counseling lady about baby steps and how frustrating they are. I'm anxious to make progress, it's just hard to be patient.

 I am not known for being patient. I almost lost control of my shopping cart in Wal-Mart the other day because I said "Let's see how fast I can go". That's not going to work for me at work.  But I really need to keep trying even so.

 

  I do seem to have a lot of fear.

I am trying to keep the faith. Will the Gina that returns in April be able to get things done like before?  Baby steps that get me where I need to go is reasonable.

 I really need to leave the house more often, too.