I don't know if there are any moms out there reading this blog who said the same thing I did when I started my family: I am going to be the BEST mom. I'm going to read all the books, and do all the things, and be really smart about it and show everyone HOW ITS DONE. I'm going to walk the walk, talk the talk, stay married, put in the hard work, love those kids with all my heart, kiss and hug them every day and do my best to raise the worlds best humans!
I'm going to feed them right. I'm going to make sure they have decent clothes to wear, medical and dental care, the right kind of carseat, Santa Claus, birthday parties, braces, swim lessons, sports, lots of photos in their baby books, and manners. I'm going to make sure they are baptized, immunized, and prioritized in my life. I didn't think it would be easy, but I meant all of it.
Until recently I was feeling good about my mothering. But something about losing Mark really changed me, and not in a good way. I became unable to remain an effective mom, because I was forgetting that I'm not a confidante to my kids. They are not my peers. And if there were parenting issues that Mark and I did not agree on, those things need to stay confidential between Mark and myself. If we never got around to reconciling them, well too late.
I discovered that I am human and very flawed, and maybe grief has only magnified that. Or maybe its that being without him makes me somehow more me, which is somehow less. So, I am going to very gently step back. That's very hard.
They need to heal from losing Mark as much as I do, each of us in our own way, because the loss is not the same. And I think that the best thing we can do for each other right now, is give each other space.
I said I would never hurt them.
And I feel like I have done a less than stellar job of being their mom lately.
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