Trials and tribulations

I'm sitting here at my computer this morning, well past the time I would have normally been clocked  at work {worst day to call in as it also punishes my co-workers}, trying to regain some calm state of mind and figure out what to do.  If its true that troubles come in three's,  I must be the luckiest person I know.  Or maybe I'm just having the hardest year ever, although I have to tell you, 1980 was no walk in the park.  In the last few weeks/days I have had:

*issues with my house

*issues with my car

*issues with my job

*issues with my knee

*issues with my mental health

*financial issues

And by issues, I mean things that stop me in my tracks to the point that I cannot rationally think about what to do as a next step.  I am leaning too hard on my friends and my daughter, and I know it.  But I haven't had a block of time that I was not in some sort of fog to be able to find a clear path.  And I so badly want to move forward.

  

On top of all of it is the grief.  Always the grief.

I would forgo the tequila in the list above - I swear I'm not being greedy.

GriefShare

I ended up not completing the Grief Share class.  Got about halfway through and thought "this is not really how I want to spend my time off".  I feel like: 

*I couldn't make it apply to my life - I think I am nearing the end of the tunnel*

*It was waaaay too preachy and the content was not all that helpful

*It took a 2 hour chunk out of one of my days off where I could have been doing things for myself

*Some of the people seemed "stuck" in their grief and I really want to be around people who can show me how to move forward 

And another thing that was a red flag for me was that some of them stated that this was their 2nd or 3rd time to do the course..why wasn't it helpful enough the first time?

The facilitator was going to do a "Surviving the holidays" thing on the 20th, but I had plans with a friend for that day.  She was disappointed that I thought the class was not the right fit, but its not about how she feels about it that is important to me right now.  I have to make my own way; my tunnel has had many twists and turns.  I don't think there is one approach to this grief thing that works for everyone.  So I can keep trying things that people suggest, but I will drop them if they don't suit my situation.  And bit by bit, I'm still going forward.

*I could be wrong about this...

Dream feelings #7

 Back story:  I've spent a fair amount of time lately stewing about this broken pipe at Highlands and have been given advice that I think is wrong,  by people who don't really want to be bothered thinking about it, so I'm just going to formulate a plan of my own to deal with it.  I came up with one in my mind yesterday and I know my dream has something to do with this issue.  It has to be done before anything else happens out there to get it ready to sell - with no water up at the top of the hill you cannot even mow.  Everything is too dry and all of the dry grass and piles of brush are a fire hazard.  

It can be fixed.  I will attempt to do it myself.

The dream:

Our entire family (the four kids were young enough that Dylan and Grayson were pre-school/toddler) were gathered on a beach, waiting to gain possession of something we had rented.  We were on vacation? It required some assembly - connecting tubing of some sort (made of pvc pipe) but it wasn't working.  The managers/owners (there were three) were saying something about a part being repaired, sorry, you can't use this today.  I lost my temper and told them they were stupid!  Meanwhile, Mark was leading the kids over to a spot further down the beach where he was asking about what part was being repaired so he could get a better understanding of the issue.  I thought to myself during the dream - yes, that's a better tactic.  We walked through some caves with low standing water.  It was a large cave with platforms.  At one point you had to go underwater.  Amazingly, we all did.  We had almost reached our destination when I realized the youngest child was not with us.  I'm not clear though on whether it was Grayson or Dylan.  I panicked a little and thought Oh, God I hope he isn't drowned already.  I made my way back towards the beach, feeling frightened of drowning myself now that I was traveling alone.  Instead of taking the route underwater, I took a slippery sloped roof access in the cave and jumped into shallow water feet first, then headed towards a ladder heading further down.  That's where the dream ended.

Notes:

*Obvious reference to broken PVC pipe and water

*Me panicking, feeling angry and sad, and not thinking a problem through calmly right off the bat is sort of my thing lately.  Its like my mind has to process it s l o w l y.

*Mark leaving, the kids viewing him as their leader - I feel like I'm doing a poor job of keeping my shit together as family matriarch

*We took one vacation as a family - ONE - and it was to a beach

*Worry at the back of my mind about Grayson and Dylan, specifically

*Facing my fears and doing what needs to be done

*ladders - standing on them several times the past few months has done my janky knee no favors

******

Its been since 2019 that I have felt the need to write down a vivid dream, which is amazing to me as so much has happened in the interim, you'd think there would be no end to the amount of material my subconscious has to dream about!

Learning

 It pains me to make mistakes that either harm myself or my home.  After all, I am trying to keep everything maintained and I assume I am bright enough to figure most things out.  I mean, I *think* I have common sense enough to come in out of a pouring thunderstorm, as my mother would say....but just like the garden faucet issue, I find that this is not always the case.

Long story short:  I managed to both graze my arm across the top of the firepit grate while the logs were actively burning, searing a swath of skin on my forearm AND not remove the lid in time while the fire was at its hottest, causing the handle to catch fire and burn. (Side note - what genius designs a firepit with wooden handles??)  I have since ordered a new handle and my arm is healing, but these small things tend to throw me off a bit.  Did Mark ever make a mistake like this?  Yes, he had scars from many things he did around the house.  But did he learn from it and move on?  Also yes.  

And so will I.

Baldy

 Please enjoy this pic of Mark and Dylan atop Mt Baldy, Philmont, in the summer of 2013.

They are eating celebratory Oreos.  Later, much later, I find out from Dylan that he was worried about his dad being able to make it up to the top of the mountain.

Instead of Oreos, likely he needed a heart cath.

I think its good we don't know the future.

I did a very stupid, unintended thing. 

I managed to delete ALL of my photos.

Every single one of them.

I downloaded DiskDrill to try and find them, but I must also have done a cleaning scan with C Cleaner around the same time, not realizing that ALL of my photos were in the recycle bin.  This happened about a month ago, and have I done anything else?  Like take my computer to  professionals that can possibly help me find them?  No.  Have I connected my external hard drive to see what archived photos I can find?  No.  Have I searched the Google cloud, Dropbox, or Blogspot to find them?  All no.  I actually feel a cross between paralyzed and ambivalent.

Because photos do not equal real, live humans.

The loss of photos does not mean the humans do not still exist in my heart.

Prior to 2008 or so, all of my photos were printed.

And I am still doing nothing about it, but pretty soon, I will address it.

When I get a spare day or two.  In February.

Ready for big change

This is my view some afternoons when the work flow in the X-ray department slows and the ER picks up and everyone filters out for the day.  Since I am here until 5 p.m., I sometimes just sit here with my phone and my pager and wait to be sent to late afternoon portables.  Its eerily quiet after the day's mayhem.  And yet I think to myself:  I am so ready for a change of scenery.

So to that end, I applied for a job at the new hospital last Wednesday.  And by Friday I had secured the spot I wanted - weekends, 7 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.*  I will officially start on Feb 5th, although the new hospital will not open until mid-April.  So until then I will still work here 8:30-5, but already I feel more at ease knowing that change is coming.  I gave it a fair amount of thought, and for every con I could think of, there was a pro or two.  I'm ready for some positives in life!  I have many months to fine tune my budget and come up with a plan that will allow me to be a part-timer in my profession until I retire.  Five months to plan and prepare - let's get started!

*gave that a lot of thought and decided to wait until Gray finishes college, so maybe this time next year I will be part-time.  But for now, I will transfer to the new place and work weekends and Mondays.

Let the phone go

Want a virtual kick in the ass?

Go through your husbands phone after he dies. 

Look at all of the photos, text messages, emails, music, notes, etc.

See what a funny, smart, kind, hard working, and loving man he was and how much he loved his family.  Let the text messages and recorded calls go - reading them or listening to them will wreck you every time.  Upload all of the photos you think you will want to save.  You don't need ones that show serial numbers on the dryer, or post-it notes from his job.  Delete the contacts, unless you want to jot down numbers for that guy who came and fixed the roof after a storm, or the real estate agent who you may need again.  Uninstall the myriad of apps he had on there - he was really into apps!  Then re-set the phone back to factory settings and let one of your kids have it, because your husband purchased this new phone two months before he died and someone can use it.

You've already donated all of the shoes and clothing.  Taken the old glasses to the eye doctor for charity.  Given all of his office equipment back to his employer.  Paid off his truck and kept it maintained - for now.  You put his jewelry in a safe place.  Organized his tools and camping equipment in the garage.

Now, let the phone go.

Mood boosters

 The subject of improving my mood came up because, no shame, I am getting off antidepressants and learning to deal with Life and Grief as it comes.  Might as well compile a list of things I can put into play.  Some of them might help, but none of them will hurt.  So here's the list of things, for me to do, that I have compiled from many sources.

A big one for me might also be to put my feet up and relax more often on my patio while listening to nature all around me and step away from the To Do lists...

Take a social media break

Wake up earlier

Get some sun (vitamin D)

Do a quick tidy up of a messy space

Write in your journal

Text a friend

Write a letter to your mother

Chew gum

Take a walk/do yoga/exercise

Smile at people, chat with a stranger

Listen to music (not the sad variety), dance {altho sad music can be cathartic and help you "cry it out",  happy music will elevate your mood}

Eat healthy foods; cook yourself something good

Light a candle

Drinks lots of water

Stay social, engage in cultural activities

Volunteer

Garden 

Make a thankful list, reflect on the good

Watch something funny

Give someone a hug

Pet a dog or cat

Take Omega 3's, get some vitamin C

Practice slow deep breathing, check your posture

Do puzzles

Pray, meditate

Buy yourself fresh flowers

Eat chocolate

Visualize your best self

Cuddle something soft (like a blanket or pillow)

Spend time with your loved ones

Create and craft

Use scents: geranium, citrus, lavender, fresh grass

Aim for eudamonic happiness - this is gained by doing things that provide meaning and give you a sense of striving to be your best self

I am a work in progress, for sure.

Happy is the goal

 I recently had a conversation with my mother that left me, as usual, feeling less than comforted or satisfied.  {She's at a disadvantage and its hard to connect with her on an emotional level} My mother is not my first choice of a person to share my thoughts, feelings, and fears with.  Her advice is always a little disconnected from the individual she's talking to.  It almost always is based on something she herself did, regardless of whether it gave good results.

Anyhoo.

The subject was "feeling happy".  I told her I wanted to think I could have happiness someday - real happiness.  Not just the day to day "this is fine" that gets you up and out of the house to your job, wearing clean clothes, with a packed lunch.  Not the kind of happy that is only slightly opposite of spending so much time crying that you have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Her advice to me is that I "seek contentment".  She thinks that "happy" is a fleeting, random feeling, like the one you get as you are eating a bowl of ice cream.

"I'm content, Gina.  I have my chickens, my garden, the quilts I make.  You need to find things to do that will make you feel content."

I don't know about you, but I think that happiness is so much more than that.  Staying busy is a different thing altogether.  To me, contentment is what I would describe as sort of acceptance that things are OK in this moment with a particular aspect of your life that may or may not be temporary.

Maybe I have it all wrong, but the way I see it is:

Joy is deep soul happiness

Happiness is the inner and outer peace that makes you see the world in a positive way

Contentment is satisfaction with where you are in life right now

I think you can have all three together, and that's what I truly want: My children and memories of a life with Mark evoke joy for me, my home gives me contentment.  But happiness is something I want to add, so right now that's what I'm working on.

Happy things for July 2022

 It looks like I skipped this for June, so I guess I have some catch up to do.  This month, I am trying to focus on the positive so that I don't get sucked back under the waves.  Its going to be a day by day kind of thing.  And once July is over, I *think* I can move on.  But right now, it may as well be July of 2021 because losing Mark feels like yesterday.  If I could, I wouldn't think about it every day.  But I do.  Anyways...here is the list:

Keep going - blue skies ahead

*My finances are much improved with no RV and truck notes.  I have put the brakes on spending unnecessarily,  I am eating at home as much as possible (even on the weekends), and am making fewer trips to Highlands which is saving me a little in gas.  The house note even went down $100.  So, I feel like I can live on what I make, even though I could make even more changes to my budget.

*My knee doesn't hurt every day like it was.  I'm going to chalk it all up to arthritis which got inflamed with all of my ladder-climbing.  I am taking good care of myself, but I know there are more things I could be doing for myself.  I am eating healthily, cutting back on beer and wine, and eliminating those evening trips to Culver's...  I take my vitamins and drink water and get good sleep.  So I think I have covered the basics and will fine tune it all as I go.

*There was a flurry of activity here this year: getting trees trimmed up, getting the sprinklers working, replacing the alarm system, cleaning out the attic and garage.  Although I am proud of myself for taking care of my home, I am giving myself a break from repairs and such until the end of summer so that I have breathing room to just enjoy some summer.

*Its time to get off the second med for depression.  I am experiencing a lot less crying and anxiety attacks - actually rarely.  I expect that my depression is slowly ebbing and I am looking forward to just feeling what I feel and dealing with it as it comes.  I can trust myself to know myself.  I know there will be sadness, but I expect to experience happiness again, too.  The end of July will be my target for that.

******

That's four things that are BIG.  I am looking forward to simpler Happy Things lists in the future!

The power of a list

I'm a list maker, for sure.

If I'm at work and I think of things I need to do, I might set an alarm in my phone, but I will just as often jot a list on a post-it note and put into my pocket.  I make lists for groceries, errands, reminders, you name it.  So its no surprise that I sat down and made a list called "Things I can do to make myself feel better when I start sinking..." 

I started off great yesterday, getting ready and out of the house on time for work.  But once I was there I felt this gloom come over me that just snowballed into full out despair and while I know that in part is caused by hormones and my own brain, I also know that I have to find a way to deal with it when it happens.  My sister's advice was to keep adding things to my life that make me happy or that I enjoy.  But lately its been hard to find the happy in things I once loved to do.  She said I should be as proactive about letting go of the things I cannot change and adding more good things.

On the face of it, that sounds reasonable and right now I have to have some sort of  life jacket that I can hold on to.  Enter the list.

I will refer to it often, adding and subtracting things, and it will serve as a visual reminder here on my desk to not give up.  There has to be some light at the end of this tunnel.  I am so tired of this feeling. 

Grieving is no joke - its 100% hard work.

Getting out there

There have been months on end where I have coccooned myself in my home, or on occasion, Chloe's apartment with Ted in my lap.  Seemed like a good idea.  Felt safe.

Its not like I never left the house, but lately its been less and less...

I'm thinking that it is working against me.  The weekend comes.  I make a plan to go somewhere. Overthink it, retreat.  Then the spiral starts: get bored, worry, drink, cry, cry some more, do nothing.

It only happens on weekends, but I think it is caused in part by me having such a boring life during the week.  I place too much emphasis on weekends, then I lose my focus once the weekend gets here.  And my lists of things to do aren't FUN things, so I'm busy.  Just not busy living life.

So I decided to switch things up.

I joined two groups on Meetup - one for ladies who like to drink beer and another that is a book club.  Not all of the activities happen on the weekend, so I still have time to make my own plans for going and doing by myself for two whole days.  But this is a start.

Meet new people, have conversations, maybe a laugh or two.  Breathe.

It feels really hard, which tells me I let this go too long.

But I have to start somewhere.

Happy Things for May 2022

Believe it or not, there are actually happy things happening in May.  I say this not only because had you asked me months ago, I might have been worried about how everything would shake out, and also because depression still had a grip on me.  But I refused to knuckle under.

I made it to summer!

1.  As of this post, I may actually have a buyer for Darby (the Winnebago).  FINGERS CROSSED.  This is actually a happy and sad thing, I guess.

2.  The alarm system is once again functioning and monitored!   One more layer of home safety and it feels good to resolve these things.  Next up is either having the house painted or replacing the carpet and bathroom floors.

3.  Healthwise, I am feeling good.  I may have gained a little weight back, but I am talking care to make sure I eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, take my vitamins, and move more during the day.  I tried yoga, didn't love it, but I will continue with some stretching each morning.  My hair is growing like crazy - this time last year I hated my short hair, now I need a trim!

4.  My sewing and craft room is once again a sweet-smelling, well-lit, happy place to be.  I recently re-covered the chair pad, added a lamp, and bought a pretty desk mat.  I usually have soft jazz playing and that also adds to the calm, creative atmosphere. 

5.  The City of Austin's Big Trash Day is back!  I am so happy to once and for all empty the attic and garage of all the crap that still needs to go.  I want to know exactly what I own and  where it is - complete control over all of the things with space to move and breathe.  Life is complicated, but my "stuff" doesn't have to be!

Happy rest of May!

8 things not to say

 A list of eight things my friend(s) shouldn't say or do to a new widow.  Who is me.  And by the way, 9 months is new.  Real new.  Feels like yesterday.

this is how I feel. roar.

1.  Don't ignore the fact there was once a half of me - HIS NAME IS MARK AND YOU KNEW HIM and he was my person for 39 years.  Hearing his name doesn't cause me any sadness.  You don't need to worry about "reminding me" of my loss.  I will think about him and the life and love we had together every day for the rest of my life.  

2.  You can acknowledge my grief in your head, but if it can't come out of your mouth, I will assume you don't care and I will stop telling you things.  Saying "I've been here for you whenever you're ready" misses the point.  And if you ask me how I am and I say I'm struggling, and you let that drop? Go away.

3.  If somehow you are missing the obvious because you cannot read the tone of my response and do not understand because you yourself have never lost a spouse, please don't expect me to spell it out for you.  You may want me to respond to you in kind someday.  Use the Golden Rule as your guide.

4.  You cannot give someone support and space at the same time.  Those two things are mutually exclusive.  You literally have to ask someone what they need to find the answer.  You cannot pretend you can figure it out, just ask.  

5.  Don't tell me you're not rushing me and at the same time rush me.  If I told you that grief has made me a different person, believe me.  My timetable for life, as well as my general outlook has changed.  Maybe forever.  Giving me time is a good idea.

5.  Go ahead and offer to visit me, but understand I may say no.  Please don't push me if I give you a polite response that basically says "not now, I'm not good company, I will likely have to work that day" etc.  It just means no and I'm trying to not offend you.

6.  I haven't "closed" myself so you don't need to worry about me "opening up".  I talk about my grief often.  I cry often.  I talk about Mark often.  

7.  Don't approach every holiday with me by saying "I'm sure this will be hard".  Listen, daily life is hard.  Getting up and going about my life is hard.  Holidays/anniversaries/milestones are something I will always have to deal with the best way I can.  

8.  Don't tell me you don't understand how I'm feeling.   You don't have to have experienced this exact type of loss to show empathy.  If you've never felt this level of grief before, count yourself as lucky.

Capable

Somebody recently told me that their brother was having a hard time getting a job.  After all, he's old.  And no one wants to hire someone in their sixties since they're just going to retire soon afterwards.

HE'S  65.

I'm 61, and will be 62 this year.

Every day I think to myself:  I'm strong, I'm smart, and most importantly, I'm capable.

I can lug heavy equipment.  Lift things and small humans.  Stand for a looong time with a lead apron on (though sitting now and again is a good idea).  I get up every day and accomplish more before I leave the house than most men, married men, can even conceive of doing.  I know this, because I was married to such a man, and he was doing good most mornings to roll out of bed, pour his coffee that someone else brewed, and sit, SIT, at his computer for 8 hours in a quiet and clean house, knowing dinner would happen through no effort of his own.  And not only that, but I would continue working at home after my work day.  How else were we gonna have clean clothes?  Mark NEVER did laundry.

If someone has the audacity to tell me I am too old to do my job I will laugh in their face and keep going.  Is that the difference between men and women in the workplace?  Men get to check out after 65?  Women keep going.  We live longer, why not.

I'm tired of being asked when I'm going to retire.  Do not let this head of silver hair fool you - I am capable.  I'll let you know when I'm ready and meanwhile, you can continue being impressed by me.

Ha!

Happy things for April 2022

 In no particular order

Wine Wednesday leftovers for lunch!

*Wine Wednesday with The Girl.  Its good for both of us.  She has to stop working at a reasonable time and fix a meal and I can't go directly home to hide in my house after work.  She's actually becoming quite the cook - the above meal is baked chicken thighs, roasted brussels sprouts, and homemade farfalle and cheese. We don't drink wine so I don't know why we call it that.  

*It's Spring!  I cannot tell you how dreary skies affect me to the point at which it makes life seems very bleak, regardless of what else is going on in my life.  And if I'm already struggling, its just a million times worse.  I need sun! I probably shouldn't, but I most definitely am going to spend time in my lawn chair getting some color on my legs.

*The truck is almost paid off.  The house note went down $100 a month and that will also affect my finances in a positive way.  And fingers crossed that April will be the lucky month for Darby to sell.  I am feeling a little nervous about my budget what with the RV and a kid in college.  I'm just going to keep expecting the best and working hard.

*Mentally I feel better!  On a scale of one to ten, I'm at a solid seven.  I am working towards getting to eight but I am not rushing myself as I want to legitimately stay feeling better.  No big changes, no rash decisions.  Smoothly and calmly moving ahead.  

*I continue to smile every time I think of Scout and Dutch.  I'm so thankful that they emerged not only intact from all of the pandemic, financial, and job/car woes but that they also made a personal and traditional commitment to their long term happiness.  

Five things ranging from social to emotional to financial to mental to family - I feel pretty good about April so far!

When the inside doesn't match the outside

Miss Highlands Cactus sprouted two tiny teddy bear ears which are adorable. 

This is the topic between me and a couple of friends lately.  Someone recently commented on the family blog that the inside doesn't always match the outside and there could not be a truer statement for my life right now.  I actually feel like the reverse of Miss Cactus above: prickly and vulnerable on the inside and smooth and calm on the outside.  Still trying to take care of my physical and mental health as best I can, wearing clean clothes and eating meals and doing all of the things that make getting through the day to day possible.  But on the inside there is still much grief, anger, guilt, sadness.  And my brain is doing a good job of parceling that out in bits so that I can keep going. Two steps forward, one step back. Baby steps at that.

So just know this:  it may look like life for me is moving forward (which it is) and I am doing OK (which I am) and things are getting done (which they are) BUT on the inside, sometimes, the reverse may be true.  

And my blogs are not always a good indication of the whole story, inside and out.

Mad at you

 Is it even fair to be mad at someone after they die?  I mean, they aren't here to defend themselves, or even to say they are sorry.  But your feelings are still valid, if you feel them, so here goes:  I'm pretty mad at Mark.  Well, not just Mark, but mainly.

I feel like he's listening, somehow...

Why didn't you go to the doctor like you said you would?  I called you FIRST THING as I was on the road home from Mother's house and you were short with me.  BECAUSE YOU STILL DIDN'T FEEL WELL.  Your symptoms were concerning, in hindsight I know, but you said you would.  Two weeks elapsed from that phone call and your body was obviously trying to tell you something!

Why did you not show me how to do things at Highlands?  I have no idea what to do about the pump and the broken pipes.  What switches control what outside lights?  How do I use the mower?  How do I deal with that filtration system in the barn?  What to do when the wind blows the antenna off again?  How do I hook up the trailer?  How to work the trail camera?

Why did you let things at Rustown go to shit?  Do you know it cost me $$$ to get the trees trimmed?  Its going to be $$$ to get the sprinkler system maintenance done.  Every thing that goes wrong here?  I have to cypher it out, with no practical experience so I am at the mercy of  YouTube or Google or someone I have to pay.  A lot of it was preventable and doable by YOU, but your sole focus was Highlands.  Highlands - the place I have no idea what I will do with long term nor how to maintain.  And right now, this home needs a lot of attention: the yards, the den ceiling, the garage doors, the bathroom floors, the security system, and all of the STUFF that I had no idea how to deal with and just did the best I could.

The kids - all could have used your help and guidance a little longer.

Chloe moved here to be closer to all of us.

Dylan and Michelle were making wedding plans.

Gray was struggling with college life in a pandemic.

Spencer could have learned more from you.

I was feeling job burnout and was so looking forward to retiring with YOU.

We bought that Travato, then hadn't even made the first payment.  I never even drove it.  To be fair, its not just you I'm mad at.  Plenty of friends and family have scattered and left me feeling alone again on my little island.  I am a strong person and I know I will eventually exit this tunnel of grief and walk out into sunshine.  But it will never again be with you, and that makes me the maddest of all.  You were supposed to be here with me long enough for us to travel and enjoy our time together.

I lost love, companionship, income, and future plans.  I'm hoping this stage of grief will not last forever, because I love and miss you and don't want to be mad at you.

Signs

For some reason last week, I kept thinking about a bracelet that Mark wore every day.  I made a mental note to pull it out of his jewelry box and slip it on before I left the house. 

I stopped at our favorite Mexican restaurant and picked up breakfast to go, planning to eat it while I gazed out of the screen door. The minute I pulled up to Highlands, my phone pinged a message from Google - on this day 6 years ago - that sort of thing.  It was photos from a crawfish event we went to at Flat Creek Estate back in 2016.  Mark was just about to start a new job, which included a nice jump in pay.  So to reward himself he bought a heavy silver bracelet. (the man did love his bling)  In fact the same one I pulled out and was wearing. Huh.

We had a lot of fun that day

I spent a beautiful morning at Highlands.  Saw a group of about 7 does on the way up the drive.  Replaced the address numbers at the entrance.  Dug up a cactus to take home.  Moved some peg hooks around to accommodate all of the camp mugs.  That sort of thing.  Exactly the same sort of putsey things we used to do on Saturdays.  Then around lunch time I drove to Marble Falls to pick up Marks favorite fun wine for his memorial, drink a free beer at Save the World, and end my afternoon at 7 Creeks to listen to music.  A productive afternoon!   

When I got home I made myself a comforting bowl of ramen for dinner, watched a little Netflix, then fell fast asleep.  And the next morning I wondered - was Mark somehow with me for all of that?  I felt happy and peace-filled.  A welcome break from the grieving. 

I took the bracelet to James Avery to have it re-sized, and added a heart charm with his initials in script. I will wear it often and think of Mark and the continued signs that he is part of my life.

homebody

 A lot of these posts will have to do with grieving in some way or another...

Why is it so hard for me to leave my house?

     I love my home and think of it as my sanctuary.  To that end, I want to do all sorts of things for it that pertain to the addressing the normal wear and tear of owning a home, and this one is 29 years old.  Instead of spending my free time up at Highlands, which is what I did every weekend for the last 5 years up until August of last year, I choose to spend it here.  Because this is where I feel safe and comfortable.  The more I clean it up and clear the clutter out, the more I love it.   But is it healthy that I just want to cocoon here?  That even the thought of eating out or shopping makes me think "No, I'll just stay home.  I'll eat what I already have.  I don't need to spend any money".  And after all, I'm not sad being by myself 99% of the time though I surely do miss Mark in so many ways.  I find a lot of things to keep me occupied around here.  Is it negative coping?

     I worry that this homebody business will make it gradually much harder to get back out there into social situations and the general public.  And I will need to do that -  I can't just isolate myself here and make that the norm.  And I can't rely on my kids to be my only companions - I have to get out there and meet new people.  Eventually.  Soon.

     Mark would be appalled!  He hated being stuck at home.  But to me, it doesn't feel like being stuck, even if it really is.  I need to give this some thought and come up with a plan.

Happy things for March 2022

Some of these may be repeats...

I think that's OK.

*I have reached month seven in my widowhood.  Mark and I talked once about how long-married people lived after their spouse died and he said "six months, tops".  That was his favorite catch phrase whenever we had discussions about the future - he was being facetious.  But he will have to wait on me a bit. 

*100% relieved that I have a plan for Mark's memorial:  bluebonnets, BBQ, his favorite tunes, yard games, and sunshine at Highlands.  I will pick a date that works for everyone and we will have a family only day.  

*Taking care of myself feels good.  I have been journaling and working on me and managing life on my own terms.  

*The weather is only getting better from here on out.  I can't wait to get my yards in shape for spring and summer!  Fingers crossed that Big Trash Day is not cancelled in April.  I have a load of crap in the garage to set out.  Once its gone, I can venture into the attic.

*As always, I am thankful for my home, my family, my friends, my health, and my job.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful

the turning point

 I've been talking with a counselor every other week now.

And each time we talk, its like someone parts the curtains a little bit more and I can see outside of the window a bit better.  And little by little I feel more hopeful about the future.

And last week I realized I felt stronger.

I think I still have a ways to go, BUT.  It feels like a turning point.

Next week is the meeting with the judge to probate the estate, and I imagine that may feel stressful so there might be tears.  But I feel like something has changed in this grieving process.  I cry less often, I sleep well, I'm able to focus at work, and I have stopped talking out loud to Mark like he's here.  Because he isn't.

I reject the idea that this could last for several years.  I will put in the work to get beyond my grief; it isn't going to define me for the rest of my life.  I will always love and miss Mark, and I know that sometimes (a lot of times) I will feel sad that he isn't here.

But I'm at a turning point in this and I want to keep going!