GriefShare

I ended up not completing the Grief Share class.  Got about halfway through and thought "this is not really how I want to spend my time off".  I felt like: 

*I couldn't make it apply to my life

*It was way too preachy and the content was not helpful

*It took a 2 hour chunk out of one of my days off where I could have been doing things for myself

*Some of the people seemed "stuck" in mourning and I want to move forward 

Another thing that was a red flag for me was that some of them stated that this was their 2nd or 3rd time to do the course. Why wasn't it helpful the first time?

The facilitator was going to do a "Surviving the holidays" thing on the 20th, but I had plans with a friend for that day.  She was disappointed that I thought the class was not the right fit, but its not about how she feels about it that is important to me right now.  I don't think there is one approach to dealing with grief that works for everyone.  So I can keep trying things that people suggest, but I will drop them if they don't fit my situation.  

*I could be wrong about this...

Dream feelings #7

I've spent a fair amount of time lately stewing about this broken pipe at Highlands. I know my dream has something to do with this issue.  It has to be done before anything else happens out there to get it ready to sell - with no water up at the top of the hill you cannot even mow.  Everything is too dry and all of the dry grass and piles of brush are a fire hazard.  

It can be fixed.

The dream:

Our entire family (the four kids were young enough that Dylan and Grayson were pre-school/toddler) were gathered on a beach, waiting to gain possession of something we had rented.  We were on vacation? It required some assembly - connecting tubing of some sort (made of pvc pipe) but it wasn't working.  The managers/owners (there were three) were saying something about a part being repaired, sorry, you can't use this today.  I lost my temper and told them they were stupid!  Meanwhile, Mark was leading the kids over to a spot further down the beach where he was asking about what part was being repaired so he could get a better understanding of the issue.  I thought to myself during the dream - yes, that's a better tactic.  We walked through some caves with low standing water.  It was a large cave with platforms.  At one point you had to go underwater.  Amazingly, we all did.  We had almost reached our destination when I realized the youngest child was not with us.  I'm not clear though on whether it was Grayson or Dylan.  I panicked a little and thought Oh, God I hope he isn't drowned already.  I made my way back towards the beach, feeling frightened of drowning myself now that I was traveling alone.  Instead of taking the route underwater, I took a slippery sloped roof access in the cave and jumped into shallow water feet first, then headed towards a ladder heading further down.  That's where the dream ended.

Notes:

*Obvious reference to broken PVC pipe and water

*Me panicking, feeling angry and sad, and not thinking a problem through calmly right off the bat is sort of my thing lately.  Its like my mind has to process it s l o w l y.

*Mark leaving, the kids viewing him as their leader - I feel like I'm doing a poor job of keeping my shit together as family matriarch

*We took one vacation as a family - ONE - and it was to a beach

*Worry at the back of my mind about Grayson and Dylan, specifically

*Facing my fears and doing what needs to be done

*ladders - standing on them several times the past few months has done my janky knee no favors

Its been since 2019 that I have felt the need to write down a vivid dream, which is amazing to me as so much has happened in the interim, you'd think there would be no end to the amount of material my subconscious has to dream about!

Learning

 It pains me to make mistakes that either harm myself or my home.  After all, I assume I am bright enough to figure most things out.  But just like the garden faucet issue, I find that this is not always the case.

Long story short:  I managed to both graze my arm across the top of the firepit grate while the logs were actively burning, searing a swath of skin on my forearm and not remove the lid in time while the fire was at its hottest, causing the handle to catch fire and burn. I have since ordered new metal handles and my arm is healing, but these small things throw me off a bit.  Did Mark ever make a mistake like this?  Yes, he had scars from many things he did around the house.  But he learned from those things and hopefully so will I!

Baldy

 Please enjoy this pic of Mark and Dylan atop Mt Baldy, Philmont, in the summer of 2013.

They are eating celebratory Oreos.  Later, much later, I find out from Dylan that he was worried about his dad being able to make it up to the top of the mountain.

Instead of Oreos, likely he needed a heart cath.

I think its good we don't know the future.

I did a very stupid, unintended thing. 

I managed to delete ALL of my photos.

Every single one of them.

I downloaded DiskDrill to try and find them, but I must also have done a cleaning scan with C Cleaner around the same time, not realizing that ALL of my photos were in the recycle bin.  This happened about a month ago, and have I done anything else?  Like take my computer to  professionals that can possibly help me find them?  Have I connected my external hard drive to see what archived photos I can find?  Have I searched the Google cloud, Dropbox, or Blogspot to find them?  All no.  I actually feel a cross between paralyzed and ambivalent.

But the loss of photos does not mean the humans do not still exist in my heart.

Prior to 2008 or so, all of my photos were printed.

And I am still doing nothing about it, but pretty soon, I will address it.

When I get a spare day or two.  In February.

Ready for big change

This is my view most afternoons when the work flow in the X-ray department slows and the ER picks up and dayshift filters out for the day.  Since I am here until 5 p.m., I sometimes just sit here with my phone and my pager and wait to be sent to late afternoon portables.  Its eerily quiet after the day's mayhem.  And I think to myself:  I am so ready for a change of scenery.

So I applied for a job at the new hospital last Wednesday.  And by Friday I had secured the spot I wanted - weekends, 7 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.  I will officially start on Feb 5th, although the new hospital will not open until mid-April.  So until then I will still work here 8:30-5, but already I feel more at ease knowing that change is coming.  I gave it a fair amount of thought, and for every con I could think of, there was a pro or two.  I'm ready for some positives in life!  I have many months to fine tune my budget and come up with a plan that will allow me to be a part-timer in my profession until I retire.  Let's get started!

Let the phone go

Want a virtual kick in the ass?  Go through your husbands phone after he dies. 

Look at all of the photos, text messages, emails, music, notes, etc.

See what a funny, smart, kind, hard working, and loving man he was and how much he loved his family.  Let the text messages and recorded calls go - reading them or listening to them will wreck you every time.  Upload all of the photos you think you will want to save.  You don't need ones that show serial numbers on the dryer, or post-it notes from his job.  Delete the contacts, unless you want to jot down numbers for that guy who came and fixed the roof after a storm, or the real estate agent who you may need again.  Uninstall the apps he had on there, then re-set the phone back to factory settings and let one of your kids have it, because your husband purchased this new phone two months before he died and someone can use it.  You've already donated all of the shoes and clothing.  Taken the old glasses to the eye doctor for charity.  Given all of his office equipment back to his employer.  Paid off his truck and kept it maintained.  You put his jewelry in a safe place.  Organized his tools and camping equipment in the garage.

Now, let the phone go.

Mood boosters

 I am learning to deal with Life and Grief as it comes.  Might as well compile a list of things that might help., compiled from many sources.

A big one for me might also be to put my feet up and relax more often on my patio while listening to nature all around me and step away from the To Do lists...

Take a social media break

Wake up earlier

Get some sun (vitamin D)

Do a quick tidy up of a messy space

Write in your journal

Text a friend

Write a letter to your mother

Chew gum

Take a walk/do yoga/exercise

Smile at people, chat with a stranger

Listen to music (not the sad variety), dance {altho sad music can be cathartic and help you "cry it out",  happy music will elevate your mood}

Eat healthy foods; cook yourself something good

Light a candle

Drinks lots of water

Stay social, engage in cultural activities

Volunteer

Garden 

Make a thankful list, reflect on the good

Watch something funny

Give someone a hug

Pet a dog or cat

Take Omega 3's, get some vitamin C

Practice slow deep breathing, check your posture

Do puzzles

Pray, meditate

Buy yourself fresh flowers

Eat chocolate

Visualize your best self

Cuddle something soft (like a blanket or pillow)

Spend time with your loved ones

Create and craft

Use scents: geranium, citrus, lavender, fresh grass

Aim for eudamonic happiness - this is gained by doing things that provide meaning and give you a sense of striving to be your best self

Happy things for July 2022

This month, I am trying to focus on the positive so that I don't get sucked back under the waves.  Its going to be a day by day kind of thing.  And once July is over, I *think* I can move on. 

Keep going - blue skies ahead

*My finances are much improved with no RV and truck notes.  I am eating at home as much as possible, and am making fewer trips to Highlands which is saving me a little in gas.  The house note even went down $100.  So, I feel like I can live on what I make.

*My knee doesn't hurt every day like it was.  I'm going to chalk it all up to arthritis which got inflamed with all of my ladder-climbing.  I am taking good care of myself.  I am eating healthily, cutting back on beer and wine, and eliminating those evening trips to Culver's.  I take my vitamins and drink water and get good sleep.  So I think I have covered the basics and will fine tune it all as I go.

*There was a flurry of activity here this year: getting trees trimmed up, getting the sprinklers working, replacing the alarm system, cleaning out the attic and garage.  Although I am proud of myself for taking care of my home, I am giving myself a break from repairs and such until the end of summer so that I have breathing room to just enjoy some summer.

*I am experiencing a lot less crying and anxiety attacks - actually rarely.  I expect that my depression is slowly ebbing and I am looking forward to just feeling what I feel and dealing with it as it comes.  I can trust myself to know myself.  

That's four things that are BIG.  I am looking forward to simpler Happy Things lists in the future!

Getting out there

There have been months on end where I have coccooned myself in my home. 

Or at Chloe's apartment with doggo on my lap.

It only happens on weekends, but I think it is caused in part by me having such a boring life during the week.  I place too much emphasis on weekends, then I lose my focus once the weekend gets here.  And I'm busy, just not busy having fun.

So I decided to switch things up.

I joined two groups on Meetup - one for ladies who like to drink beer and another that is a book club.  Not all of the activities happen on the weekend, so I still have time to make my own plans for going and doing by myself for two whole days.  But this is a start.

Meet new people, have conversations, maybe a laugh or two.  Breathe.

It feels challenging, which tells me I probably let this go too long.

But I have to start somewhere.

Happy Things for May 2022

There are actually happy things happening in May!  I made it to summer!

1.  As of this post, I may actually have a buyer for Darby (the Winnebago).  FINGERS CROSSED.  This is actually a happy and sad thing, I guess.

2.  The alarm system is once again functioning and monitored!   It feels good to resolve these things.  Next up is either having the house painted or replacing the carpet and bathroom floors.

3.  Healthwise, I am feeling good.  I may have gained a little weight back, but I am talking care to make sure I eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, take my vitamins, and move more during the day.  I tried yoga, didn't love it, but I will continue with some stretching.  My hair is growing like crazy - this time last year I hated my short hair, now I need a trim!

4.  My sewing and craft room is once again a sweet-smelling, well-lit, happy place to be.  I recently re-covered the chair pad, added a lamp, and bought a pretty desk mat.  I usually have soft jazz playing and that also adds to the creative atmosphere. 

5.  The City of Austin's Big Trash Day is back!  I am so happy to once and for all empty the attic and garage of all the crap that still needs to go.  I want to know exactly what I own and  where it is - complete control over all of the things with space to move and breathe.  

Happy rest of May!

Capable

Somebody recently told me that their brother was having a hard time getting a job.  After all, he's old.  And no one wants to hire someone in their sixties since they're just going to retire soon afterwards.

HE'S  65.

I'm 61, and will be 62 this year.

Every day I think to myself:  I'm strong, I'm smart, and most importantly, I'm capable.

I can lug heavy equipment.  Lift things and small humans.  Stand for a looong time with a lead apron on.   I get up every day and accomplish a lot before I leave the house.  If someone has the audacity to tell me I am too old to do my job I will laugh in their face and keep going.  Women keep going.  We live longer, why not.  I'm tired of being asked when I'm going to retire.  Do not let this head of silver hair fool you - I am capable.  I'll let you know when I'm ready.

Happy things for April 2022

 In no particular order

Wine Wednesday leftovers for lunch!

*Wine Wednesday with The Girl.  Its good for both of us.  She has to stop working at a reasonable time  and I can't go directly home to hide in my house after work.  She's actually becoming quite the cook - the above meal is baked chicken thighs, roasted brussels sprouts, and homemade farfalle and cheese. We don't drink wine so I don't know why we call it that.  

*It's Spring!  I cannot tell you how much dreary skies makes life seem bleak. I probably shouldn't, but I most definitely am going to spend time in my lawn chair getting some color on my legs.

*The truck is almost paid off, the house note went down $100 a month, and fingers crossed that April will be the lucky month for Darby to sell.  I am feeling a little nervous about my budget what with the RV and a kid in college.  I'm just going to keep expecting the best and working hard.

*Mentally I feel better - on a scale of one to ten, I'm at a solid seven.  I am not rushing myself as I want to legitimately stay feeling better.  Smoothly and calmly moving ahead.  

*I continue to smile every time I think of Scout and Dutch.  I'm so thankful that they emerged not only intact from all of the pandemic, financial, and job/car woes but that they also made a personal and traditional commitment to their long term happiness.  

 I feel pretty good about April so far!

When the inside doesn't match the outside

Miss Highlands Cactus sprouted two tiny teddy bear ears which are adorable. 

This is the topic lately.  Someone recently commented on the family blog that the inside doesn't always match the outside and there could not be a truer statement for my life right now.  I actually feel like the reverse of Miss Cactus above: prickly and vulnerable on the inside and smooth and calm on the outside.  Still doing all of the things that make getting through the day to day possible.  But on the inside there is still much grief, anger, guilt, sadness.  And my brain is doing a good job of parceling that out in bits so that I can keep going. Two baby steps forward, one step back.  So it may look like life for me is moving forward (which it is) and I am doing OK (which I am) and things are getting done (which they are) BUT on the inside, sometimes, the reverse may be true.  

And that's OK.

Mad at you

 Is it even fair to be mad at someone after they die? I'm pretty mad at Mark.  Well, not just Mark, but mainly.

I feel like he's listening, somehow

Why didn't you go to the doctor like you said you would?  

Why did you not show me how to do things at Highlands? 

Why did you let projects at Rustown go undone?  

The kids - all could have used your help and guidance a little longer.

Chloe moved here to be closer to all of us.

Dylan and Michelle were making wedding plans.

Gray was struggling with college life in a pandemic.

Spencer could have learned more from you.

To be fair, its not just you I'm mad at.  I am a strong person and I know I will eventually walk out into sunshine.  But it will never again be with you, and that makes me the maddest of all.  You were supposed to be here with me long enough for us to travel and enjoy our time together.

I lost love, companionship, income, and future plans.  I'm hoping this stage of grief will not last forever, because I love and miss you and don't want to be mad at you.

Signs

For some reason last week, I kept thinking about a bracelet that Mark wore every day.  I made a mental note to pull it out of his jewelry box and slip it on before I left the house for Highlands. 

I stopped at our favorite Mexican restaurant and picked up breakfast to go, planning to eat it while I gazed out of the screen door. The minute I pulled up to Highlands, my phone pinged a message from Google - on this day 6 years ago - that sort of thing.  It was photos from a crawfish event we went to at Flat Creek Estate back in 2016.  Mark was just about to start a new job, which included a nice jump in pay.  So to reward himself he bought a heavy silver bracelet. In fact, the same one I pulled out and was wearing. Huh.

We had a lot of fun that day

I spent a beautiful morning at Highlands.  Saw a group of about 7 does on the way up the drive.  Replaced the address numbers at the entrance.  Dug up a cactus to take home.  Moved some peg hooks around to accommodate all of the camp mugs.  That sort of thing.  Exactly the same sort of putsey things we used to do on Saturdays.  Then around lunch time I drove to Marble Falls to pick up Marks favorite fun wine for his memorial, drink a free beer at Save the World, and end my afternoon at 7 Creeks to listen to music.  A fun afternoon!   

When I got home I made myself a comforting bowl of ramen for dinner, watched a little Netflix, then fell fast asleep.  And the next morning I wondered - was Mark somehow with me for all of that?  I felt happy and peace-filled.  A welcome break from the grieving. 

I took the bracelet to James Avery to have it re-sized, and added a heart charm with his initials in script. I will wear it often and think of Mark and the continued signs that he is part of my life.

Happy things for March 2022

*I have reached month seven in my widowhood.  Mark and I talked once about how long-married people lived after their spouse died and he said "six months, tops".  That was his favorite catch phrase whenever we had discussions about the future.  But he will have to wait on me a bit. 

*100% relieved that I have a plan for Mark's memorial:  bluebonnets, BBQ, his favorite tunes, yard games, and sunshine at Highlands.  I will pick a date that works for everyone and we will have a family day.  

*Taking care of myself feels good.  I have been journaling and working on me and managing life on my own terms.  

*The weather is getting better and I can't wait to get my yards in shape for spring and summer!  Fingers crossed that Big Trash Day is not cancelled in April.  I have a load of crap in the garage to set out.  Once its gone, I can venture into the attic.

*As always, I am thankful for my home, my family, my friends, my health, and my job.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful

Happy things for January 2022

Some times its hard to write about happy things when you don't necessarily feel happy.  Recently a friend reminded me that happy and joy are not the same thing.  Happy is fleeting - you can be happy one minute, sad the next about the day to day life.  But joy is something deeper.  My kids give me joy.  My home inspires joy.  Friendships bring joy.

*The weather has been beautiful the last few days and I have been outside a lot, soaking up as much sun and fresh air as I can.  Today is yard work day!

*I got my pantry, fridge, and freezer all cleaned out and organized and there is enough food in there to keep my grocery bill low for the next few weeks. 

*I cleaned my car inside and out yesterday.  My car gets good gas mileage and gets me safely to work each day.  I loaded up a bunch of stuff in it to take to Goodwill yesterday and its very convenient for stuff like that, too!

*My knee, which decided to hurt for weeks, mysteriously stopped hurting and I had completely forgotten about the pain until just now.  Right now, nothing hurts me physically and I feel strong.

*My 2 oldest peeps came to eat lunch with me on New Year's Day and it was a peaceful and optimistic time together and we all enjoyed each others' company.