Living my best life

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what kind of life I want to live. Rather than be stuck in survival mode, I would like to actually thrive and enjoy what life has to offer me now.  There's no sense in fighting reality.  But I can make changes to steer life where I want to go.

So here's what "living your best life" looks like for me.

Getting enough good sleep and a slow start to each day with my coffee.

Taking care of my body and mind. Showing myself love.

Eating foods that make me feel good and cooking simple meals.

Eliminating too many possessions, toxic people, rumination, guilt, and excessive crying from my life.

Putting my home in order and creating spaces that are comfortable.

Taking care of my bills and responsibilities. Making informed choices.

Leisure to pursue hobbies and interests.

Feeling hopeful, engaged with life and others.

Companionship - life is not meant to be lived alone.

Stuff that makes me mad

     Background:  When I was about 21, my mother decided to move from Galveston to Victoria, get an apartment, and take a new job in dang near the middle of the summer.  I was home on summer break from college, but the timing of how I was going to get my stuff from Galveston back to my furnished student apartment in San Marcos did not concern her.  Nor how I was going to live in a totally empty house by myself until time to return to college.  She just loaded up her stuff and said bye, in the middle of a hurricane, no less.  Mind you, I did not even have a car.  (and back then, no one had computers or cell phones)  I did, however, have Mark, who would also be returning to Texas State.  I had to leave or toss most of my belongings - it could not all come with me, and Mom wasn't going to move or store it for me.  Same for my cat, which I had to abandon in Galveston.  When Mark's mother got wind of my situation, she was appalled.  She insisted I stay on their fold out couch in her back bedroom. This was for about 2 weeks, at the end of which Mark borrowed his boss's old work van and we loaded it and hit the road, ending our last summer ever in Galveston. 

     Now:  Wanting to do this differently, I have stored all of my kids' things for many years, in those big plastic bins, out in my garage.  I have reminded them to come look through them, to see what they wanted to keep or toss.  (friend, my "kids" are in their 30's)  Lovingly stored are their yearbooks, uniforms, karate belts, summer reading totes, baby teeth, toys, pre-K art, and other mementos of their childhoods, not mine. And you know - I kind of feel over it at this point, but I wanted to be respectful of their right to their stuff.  I get that they might not have the emotional capacity to deal with it.  But can we talk about my struggles these last 4.5 years as a full-time working woman and widow who is nearing retirement and was left with our clutter and possessions to deal with alone?  I don't think my mom had that same journey, though I can appreciate that she was arranging things by herself, as well.   But am I just a storage unit?  I have a lot of guilt over this - maybe I burdened my peeps with too much stuff.

The situation I created  kind of pisses me off.

Text messages

Sometimes I scroll through old text messages between me and Mark, especially when I am really missing him and longing to have a conversation with him.  Occasionally when he was at work, I would call him - he didn't seem to mind it.  He was always the first person I thought of when I wanted to talk to someone.  I would call him the minute I left Mom's house and he would help ground me in my own safe and loved bubble of reality. (visiting mom could do a number on me) 

 But I feel like we really didn't get enough talking time. 

I bet every widow feels that.

cheers!

The last text messages we exchanged will live in my phone forever.  They are proof of life.  We would talk about what the weekend's weather was going to be like as we made our plans.  Or talk about our lunch that day.  Around the time of Covid, he would text me about when and where he was getting the first shot, then the second, then "when are you getting your jab?"  He was worried about it.  I would remind him to turn the crockpot to warm, or tell him I was picking up take-out because I didn't feel like cooking dinner.  To ask him what he thought about me taking on over-time hours at work, or remind him that I was on call this weekend.  To let him know I was running late because of traffic.  And the very last two texts were me asking him if we could go somewhere to drink a beer instead of staying in that Friday evening.  He never replied.  I sent the text at 4:48 p.m., less than an hour before he would die suddenly of a massive heart attack.

Sometimes I imagine his response.

"yeah, I'm down with that.  Dinner at Rancho?  Whataburger?  you call it."

I'm going to top off the grass, get a shower, then I'll be ready to boogie!"

"see you when you get here, girlfriend!"

People who like to piss in your cornflakes

 I told someone that I had joined a wine club and the response was "don't ruin your liver", and "just don't be a drunk".  Mark would've called this "pissing in your cornflakes".

So....Brigid and I will teleport?

It goes without saying that I am not on a mission to do either.

But the issue here is having people in my life who bring a slant to my endeavors to live a varied and interesting life, full of new people and places.  I am a widow who is finding her way in this world as a single person for the first time in 39 years.  Let me live!

And not to justify, but the addition of the wine club satisfies a longing in me I didn't know I had.  Not just a reclaiming of visiting wineries and relaxing on a day off outside of my normal schedule, but a place to decompress and unwind doing absolutely nothing at all if I wish.  It was something I loved to do with Mark, but now I will make it my own.

I probably need to share far less with others, in general.  Vulnerability can have an upside, but also drawbacks.  It is OK to forge ahead with what brings me happiness and joy, regardless of what anyone else prefers. Its Ok to make a life that is separate and unique to me as I figure out who I am and what makes me jazzed about the day.

And its 100% OK to drive out to the country, put your feet up, and stare off into the distance or journal, with a glass of wine in your hand.

What do you do to relax?

I am also planning my first mini-vacay in years

This is a thought-provoking question for me.  I feel like I haven't done any real relaxing in about 5 years.  So, I decided to make one day per week an "empty" day, where I can focus solely on myself (not chores, not projects, not a to-do list, no appointments) If I want to just sit on my couch and stare at a wall, so be it.   However, I feel like I will read or nap, sit outside on the deck, maybe go thrifting, do whatever.  If I get behind in my house plans, then that will have to be OK. But the reality is, I already do too much, and I have for years. I have always filled my days up with productivity, like I somehow had to justify being at home while Mark was at work.  Never mind that I also had a job and was a full-time mom of four.  My needs were always last, and free time was never free. I am sure that's what's behind all the stress I feel at home now.  I am filling my days with motion and it's a hard habit to break. Maybe I am tiring myself out on purpose.  I am being productive - but at what cost to me?  Figuring out life now with a completely empty nest has been a challenge.  Time to pencil in some empty time.

When I make mistakes

Two things I know about me:

1.  I am hard on myself for making mistakes.  I will either immediately take the blame and begin chastising myself, or I will try to rectify it quickly in a panic.  Either way, I punish myself with guilt and feelings of low self-worth, no matter the size of the mistake.

2.  I ruminate over my mistakes and try to make sense of them even when there's not a clear reason for them. (sometimes things just "happen" and are unavoidable).

I try to remind myself that I am human and inherently flawed.  That the universe is random, with lots of moving parts, and all of us are having this experience.  The fact that everyone makes mistakes is not tied to low morality or intelligence.  How could it be when we all make mistakes?  The good I do outweighs the bad and does not define me as a person.  The big picture is more important than my mistakes - there is a balance.  What matters is that I am trying to make the right decisions and sometimes I do not, but I still continue to strive for my best.  I dislike it when I fail, but it happens. 

 I am kind to others that fail, especially at work, because I know how it feels for them. 

Do I not deserve the same kindness from myself?

Moving through hard times

sunset photo by Chloe

I guess most people call certain calendar dates and hard days "triggers"; birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.  Days where you feel the weight of life is heavier.  For example, in July I dread Mark's upcoming deathiversary.  Add to that issues at work, planning for retirement, loneliness, and just plain old blue days.  So I gathered another list of helpful things - this one for moving through tough times and tricky dates.

*Acknowledge your emotions, allowing yourself to express sadness/frustration/anger in a healthy way.  Crying is OK.  Recognize what is true for you in the moment, without judgement. Offer yourself kindness and compassion. Remember that everyone struggles sometimes - this is our shared humanity.

*Focus on what you can control - break big problems down into smaller parts then determine the next best step and move forward. Sometimes life will feel like one long learning experience.

*Prioritize your health and self-care, seeking out support as needed.  Maintain consistent routines for eating, sleeping, and how you spend your free time.  Spend some time outside in the sun, in nature.  Stay engaged with work at work, then leave it there when you go home.  Avoid living in your phone. 

*Practice gratitude daily and challenge your negative thoughts.  Remind yourself that tough times are temporary. 

*Stay true to yourself.  Engage in activities and people that align with your values and goals.  Protect your boundaries and avoid getting overstimulated by other people's negative energy - take a break from others when you need to.

Admittedly, this all sounds easier than it actually is.

Try looking at it another way

Do you remember that line from James and the Giant Peach?

Recently I have been thinking about this quote.  

Also the one by Mary Engelbreit: "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you feel about it."  Re-framing an issue can help us find solutions.  And breaking a problem down into smaller chunks often helps us make the first step.

Another approach to this same idea is the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

That's where I am at today with my job.  Admittedly, it is nether a problem, nor something I don't like!  It is a blessing to me, and my 32 year old new radiography student self would be pleased and relieved to know that I did finish school, secure a good job, and do well.

But some things about it fall into the above categories, and in order to continue doing what I do, I find I need to change how I look at my job, and the way I approach my shifts.  Because I would like to keep working in my field for another couple of years.  So here's my framework:

*Stay busy and engaged with work at work.  Avoid energy vampires who distract me.  Limit engagement that is not directly related to work tasks. Avoid venting and gossip.

*Plan and prep foods on Friday for the meals I take with me, and give me variety and healthy choices, making me feel jazzed about eating them.

*Aim to look my best.

*Prioritize getting to bed early on Friday nights so I am rested and ready for success.

*Organize a Review and Reference manual I can keep at my desk, so that I can be more of an approachable resource for shift-related matters.

*Volunteer for meaningful tasks that help the department as a whole, not specific individuals.  Avoid scrolling on my phone or computer in my downtime.

"Looking at it another way" means appreciating those things that make a job a worthwhile and meaningful part of my life, not something I am anxious to drop in favor of retirement.  Either way, I need something positive to engage my time and energy, and I also may as well get paid for it!

Something of an epiphany, no?

Life, one year later

Last March I wrote about how I wanted life to be different in a year.  Over the course of the year, I looked at that post, just to remind me to stay on task.  I think I did pretty well! 

I wanted to feel OK on my own - I did this one!  I went to several things around Austin, always on my own, but never fully alone.  I had a good time doing it, too.  I made eye contact and spoke to with others, I found my way around fairly easily.  I saw a couple of great concerts, a few movies and shows, visited art shows and parks, shopped and ate out, and in general "got out there".

I wanted to decide where to land - I decided to stay put until interest rates go down.  At which point I might start investigating a smaller home.  

I wanted to have the garage in order, with some big items gone from my life.  I did this one very well!  I just have a few items to deal with and right now, they aren't in my way or causing me to lose sleep - they are on the list of things to handle in 2026. Some jewelry was sold.  The garage was completed overhauled and painted.  The Baja is gone.  

I wanted to have several big things done at Rustown, and I did a lot of that.  Carpeting might happen this year. I was able to attend to a lot of painting, repairs, and replacement of things like a couch, the garbage disposal, and a power switch.  I also created a sewing room and a guest bedroom.

I wanted to progress in therapy, and I am happy to say that I did. I know that there will still be grief, sadness, loneliness - all of the things.  But I feel that with the help I have gotten, the things I have learned, and this blog which helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, I am doing so much better than this time back in 2025.

Things to think about with grown kids

This is heavy on my mind, as I adjust to an empty house and adult children that I don't hear from on a regular basis. (which actually might mean that they are successfully living their lives!)  Rather than feel sad, I choose to empower myself and move forward as a single person on this earth.  

What follows are my own thoughts.

      Are your adult children pulling away from you and what you represent?  This can happen for a number of reasons - every family is different.  Maybe they will find their way back in some way, but maybe they will not.  It happens.  Rather than trying to "fix" something, focus on what you can control:

     *Stay in touch, just enough.  Limit interactions that you initiate.  Don't always call, don't stalk, don't constantly text. Let them take the lead sometimes, too.  Prioritize your sense of self worth. 

     *Offer advice only if they ask, and be interested in what they share with you.  Listen, but don't judge.  Share what you feel like sharing.  Don't be nosy and don't tolerate nosiness from them.  

     *You are not a child; you have made it this far in life and you are capable.  Let them know you love them, miss them, and are here for them.  Do not plead for reciprocity.  

     *Maintain your dignity - you know your value. Its their life, yes, but its your life, too.  Don't make yourself small, you are not inconsequential.  If they are pulling back, for whatever reason, that's on them.  Social media will tell them all sorts of trendy things that are flat out wrong - its not up to you to fix that.  Continue living your best example of a person with healthy emotions and a worthy life. 

     *Accept their choices, but expect them to accept yours, too.  Hold them accountable for their actions, as you would expect them to hold you accountable for yours. Relationships work both ways.  Life doesn't always turn out like we expect it to.  But keep doing the right things for the right reasons, anyway.  

     *Don't compare your relationships with your kids to other people's relationships with theirs.  This is not fair to anyone, least of all you.  You can and will survive and thrive.  Not only is it expected, but it is within your reach, is a gift to yourself, and sets a good example.  Go live your best life.  

     *Cry when you need to - that is OK.  You are human and entitled to your feelings.  Stay busy and engaged in your own life with things you want to do.  Add interests, hobbies, keep learning.  Add more people to the mix.  You can, and will, find others to be around and expand your circle. 

     *You are a whole human, deserving of love and dignity, and you can have this. Your adult kids do not define you or your life - they never did, even as small children.  Once they are adult, you have finished raising humans.  Do not raise your grandchildren.  You are not here on earth just for emergencies, but you can choose to help with those when you can.  You are also not the bank.

     *Aim to live a great life, a long life.  Take care of yourself physically and mentally.  Stay independent as long as you can.  Make yourself proud.  Seek your peace.

Dream feelings #18 - critters and unfamiliar spaces

This dream was probably a compilation of things on my mind: me staying at the hospital for the ice storm, speaking to a friend about the limited amount of contact I have had from my kids, and thinking about my home and future living arrangements.
 

my home away from home, the call room

I slowly realize that I am in a new home/apartment sitting across from where I see two small beige caterpillars making their way zig zag across the wall.  They start growing - start to look like slugs.  Gradually they turn into some kind of slimy lizard that is pulsing a glowing blue, and leaving streaks of blue and green slime across the walls.  I get the sense that my children are here with me - much younger.  An apartment maintenance crew? exterminators? come to deal with the issue and while they are there they notice other animals in the house, including a cat with sharp fangs.  They catch it and sedate it and we (the kids are crowded around now) notice that it is a baby lion.  It had been in one of the boys' rooms and they knew about it. (my sense was that it was Grayson's)   I look over off to my left and notice I am in the entry to a linoleum-floored kitchen that has all kinds of unusual devices on the counters and looks both futuristic and outdated.  I don't know how to use the items or even what they do.  One of the kids comes in and attempts to answer my questions (Dylan?).  I think to myself "why didn't I come home sooner and get a handle on this situation?" I got the sense that they had moved in a while back, without me.  But Chloe and Spencer did not appear outright, and I knew Mark wasn't there. 

And that's where the dream ends.

10 things I probably won't do this year

I saw this prompt on another blog and thought it looked like a resolution list in reverse.  Let me just state:  there are things I know I should do, or should want to do, and I could do them but I just don't, and I probably won't. This is a radically empowering concept, that that's coming from a person who loves her goals and lists!  So here's my list of Things I Probably Won't Do This Year:

for sure I won't be doing this

Travel outside of the US/Texas - I am a homebody, through and through.  An adult who gets homesickness from a day away, much less a string of them.  Travel has never been my thing.

Get a different job - I am too close to retiring from this field.  When I finally figure out how to spend my retirement days, then I will proceed.  For me, it cannot be the other way around.  I want to know where I am headed.  And I don't want to start over.

Pester my adult kids - They know my phone number, my address, and my work schedule.  If they wanted to see or talk to me on a regular basis they would.  And I'm not going to wait around for that, and I will stop asking them for assistance, except in cases of emergency and maybe not even then.

Date - I don't see this happening any time soon, especially not on any dating websites. I definitely believe in relationships/friendships happening organically. So I'm going to keep on living my single life, caring for myself, and taking life as it comes.

Replace the grass in the front yard - This would require a BUNCH of money, both from the outset and with on-going maintenance.  It would involve new sod, a sprinkler system overhaul, and continued care. Mowing the grass is so hard here in the summer.  Combine that with the herds of deer in our neighborhood and it gets even more challenging.  I'll be doing good to keep my shrubs.  As it is, I will have to spray those once a month with deer spray.

Facebook - This is a terrible platform to stay in touch with  other humans.  Its mainly people creeping on other people, or bragging, or promoting their business, or discussing politics.  Its a negative place, and not for me. If you know me and are my friend, we don't need Facebook. 

Lose weight - The best I can do is eat healthy foods, watch how much I drink, and walk regularly.

Do a big Christmas - I want to keep Christmases small from here on out.  I want Santa to bring less food, money, expectations, and stress, please.  I will decorate just enough to make my home cheery for me.  Cook just enough not to drown in leftovers.  Go out just enough to feel connected with the season.  Spend just enough on gifts to make them meaningful.  Aim for peace.

Get a pet - With my current work schedule, it would be unfair to bring a dog into my life.  A cat might be doable, but I don't want my furniture shredded, and I don't want to deal with a litter pan.  I love that I come home to the same clean and tidy home that I left for the day.  I think I am done sharing my space with critters.

Worry about grief - I don't think I'm 100% done, by any means, but since the holidays have passed it does seem to be easing up a bit. I'm sure I will still blog about it from time to time, and I do also journal and talk to friends.  Instead of  imposing expectations or time limits on myself, I will give myself grace.

Hard things that come out of nowhere

At lunch time the day before Christmas Eve, I stepped out of my front door and noticed yet another flat tire. I could see the nail poking up from the tread, so it was at least fixable.  Good things: I noticed it early enough in the day when the place was open for business, I was at home instead of at work, I own an air compressor that lives in Brigid, the weather wasn't terrible for me to be out there inflating my tire, and there are a few places to eat around the tire repair place.  Within an hour and a half it was all sorted, lunch included.

Shortly after returning home I could hear an intermittent beep in the distance.  I knew from experience it was a low battery alarm - it had to be the garage smoke detector.  I grabbed my trusty ladder, found a new 9V (that was just pure luck), and replaced it.  Things I might have stressed over in the past - no biggie, I can handle it.  All was well until I noticed the fingerprints on the garage ceiling - those are Mark's proof of life.  A reminder that he was the last person to change out that battery.

Two days before Christmas is a tricky time to be reminded that I am still here, without my person.  Four Decembers without him - and every December from now on.  So, yeah, triggers still pop up out of nowhere.  And I truly don't want to write every blog post about my loss.  Because I'm also counting on better days to also come out of nowhere.

Telling him about my year - 2025

 Year three of a re-cap of my widowed life.  Previously I wrote this like I was talking to Mark.  But now I am writing to myself, as encouragement and a way to look back with pride at all that I have accomplished, big and small.  Was it a better year?  In some ways, yes.  But it also had challenges.

And a few tears here and there.

courtesy of my "new" therapist

January - took Christmas down, worked New Year's Day, decided I would start going and doing, continued meeting with therapist, saw dentist for teeth cleaning, took myself to a movie, started meeting with dietician, spiffed and re-stocked the kitchen pantry and added long term food storage, Spencer turned 35, started taking mental health days and using my PTO once or twice a month, saw my doc and got some lab work done, set up a puzzle table in the den, bought a smaller file cabinet and purged all the household files, thought about Mark on his birthday. Off to a strong start.

     February -  did some blog post purging, tossed ALL of my old planners, Grayson and I helped Dylan move out, set up a sewing room, had a heart CT on Valentine's Day, started going to a coffee shop to journal once a week, went to the "Mesmerize" art installation, had the house ducts cleaned, therapist started flaking out on me by cancelling and rescheduling appointments, spent a week painting and cleaning the garage.  So proud of myself!

     March - sporadic calls with therapist (no more video calls for some reason), stopped meeting with dietician, visited Umlauf Sculpture Garden, started a paint by number, took myself to a movie, worked on the taxes, volunteered with TXIWC in Buda, gave a co-worker the propane tank - the last big thing in the garage to get rid of.   Finding my way on my own.

      April - saw Chicago in concert at ACL Live, hung some heavy art in the garage (by myself!), created an art collage wall in the office, worked on the yards a bunch, sold some albums to Half Price Books, followed-up with dermatologist about hair, came home to smashed glass/broken broom courtesy of Grayson, planted some shrubs, treated the crepe myrtle, replaced the sink disposal, started meeting with a friend once a month for coffee or beer, started regular walking. Looking forward to the empty nest and creating a home just for me.

     May -  saw a science film at the Rollins Theater, had a switch in the kitchen replaced, had a yearly physical, got rid of the Baja, had a bone density test, attended Hospice Austin webinar, saw "Summertime" movie/symphony, did another paint by number, went twice to Drop-In concerts downtown, cleaned the gutters, got an oil change, worked on Memorial Day. Adding in more creativity and entertainment, handling issues.

     June - saw the eye doc, attended grief webinar, painted and repaired garage screen door, scrubbed and sealed the deck, listed some things for sale on Ebay, got a haircut, sewed some hearts for IFAQH, worked some extra hours, took photo for certification wall at work and attended tranquility luncheon, saw Stick Figure in concert. I feel confident.

     July - Saw ortho doc for right shoulder issue, saw "Waitress" at Zach Theater, bought a ladder, attended gin tasting at TW, painted sewing room, started PT for my shoulder, started weaning off antidepressant, saw dentist for teeth cleaning, started looking for new therapist, got a mammo, had leaky washer repaired, remembered Mark. Feeling the burn this month.

     August - replaced dryer duct, applied for Medicare, took dinner to Dylan, went to first book club meeting, replaced one of Brigid's tires, attended grief webinar, graduated from PT, took dinner to Spencer, Dylan and Chloe and I helped Grayson move out, reached 32 years as XR tech, neighbor's tree fell near fence with no damage (whew!), painted laundry nook, ordered a couch, major clean of guest room and bath.  Handling things - GO ME.

     September - painted guest room, painted the den, saw Jeff Goldblum at Bass Concert Hall, had hearing appt., Chloe turned 34 - took her birthday treats and decided to stop pestering her about visits, went to book club meeting, got my flu shot, saw a chiropractor for shoulder.  By now the therapist had "dropped" his clients, including me, so I started with a new therapist. I will not be defeated by change.

     October - sold some stuff on Ebay, moved leather couch to garage with Dylan's help, new couch arrived, power washed the back patio, follow-up with dermatologist and ortho doc, met with Edward Jones guy, attended book club meeting, got a haircut, attended grief zoom, saw "Star Wars" movie/symphony, attended grief webinar, took myself to another movie, cashed out some PTO, Dylan turned 30, saw Black Violin in concert, sold the black and white chairs, got Grayson off my car insurance. Tying up loose ends and it feels so great.

     November - book club, Brigid oil change, ordered wood delivery, repainted master bedroom, visited with Dylan, spoke to Pete about Mom's estate, decided to stop with the grief books and webinars, attended tranquility lunch at work, bought Thanksgiving tobacco for Mark's pipes, attended 2 book club meetings, went to a Georgian wine tasting at Total Wine, saw science movie at Rollins theater, donated blood, picked up Turkey Trot packet, got Tiff's Treats, visit from Chloe with birthday treats, did a bunch of food prep, had busy and fun Thanksgiving. Feeling happier than I have in a long time.

     December - saw my PCP for blood pressure follow-up, saw a movie out, moved all my plants to the garage (by myself!), had lunch with a friend at a brewery, mailed two Christmas cards, went to a spirits class at Total Wine, saw "Home Alone" movie/symphony, started photo project, mailed box of photos to MK, filled stockings, attended Christmas Eve services at St. Luke's, worked Christmas morning and spent time with peeps, Grayson turned 27, had last appointment with "new" therapist after much progress.  Looking forward to a new year, new goals.

Just over here on Widow Island...

...mulling over life and the future.

 

I popped into Hobby Lobby, intending to get some supplies to make a Pottery Barn knockoff ornament, but instead bought Christmas cards and an ornament for my bedroom tree.  While I was standing in line, a woman recognized me and called over from another waiting line.  She and I used to work at the same hospital and were work buddies for a short time.  She asked how my family was - not sure if she knew about Mark - and if I had retired. (doing well, and no)  Then told me that she and her hubby have been traveling a lot.  They had down-sized to a smaller place = no yardwork, retired, and are enjoying trips to Costa Rica as well as RV traveling.  I'm glad for them - grab life while you can.  Meanwhile, here I sit on Widow Island.  No partner, working full-time, no grandchildren, no plans to travel.  It kinda made me feel like I am doing Life all wrong.  And I feel like fate got to decide that for me because I was clueless.  Even if I wanted any of those things, they are not happening for me right now.  So here I sit, just before Christmas, contemplating things while I stare at the sky.  And it has me wondering: If I wanted to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, how would I do that?  

So that's what I'm working on, over here on Widow Island.  If you are a widow - how did you figure out where to start?

The story this ornament tells

Christmas ornaments can be very sentimental and hold our memories.

I have always loved Pottery Barn Christmas ornaments - they are so beautiful.  And usually, they aren't super expensive - some of the ones I have were less than $9 each and came with free shipping.  Sometimes Mark and I would get them as a gift at his office Christmas party since the boss's wife was really into PB.  And sometimes I ordered them as Christmas gifts - especially for Chloe, as a mother/daughter Christmas tradition. They were sometimes also a once-a-year splurge for the family tree which was always styled elegantly, compared to the kid's tree.  But quite literally, I was the only one who it mattered to, and I bet my kids wouldn't even remember them.

Sometimes that's how it is with such things at your house - not every thing is meaningful to everyone who lives there.

I came across an ornament that I dubbed "the magical tree".  The year it came out, bottle brush trees were having a major moment.  They sold out pretty fast, and I remember sending a photo of this one to a friend with an excited "look what I got!" message.  Over the years I have babied the storage of this ornament, wrapping it carefully in bubble wrap and tissue paper, setting it at the top of the box so I wouldn't set something else on top of it.  I never hung it on the tree because it was "special", so it tended to live behind the glass of the china cabinet.  But what was so special about an ornament I couldn't even hang on our tree?

I feel like this ornament tells a story of valuing things over experiences and people.  Over making Christmas into a pursuit and accumulation of more stuff that is pretty, but not necessarily useful or even memorable.  It made me feel nothing when I saw it, so I wasn't going to set it out anywhere this year.  Then I decided to just hang it on the tree, stop prizing it so much (if it breaks, it breaks), and think about what I truly want to feel and experience this Christmas.

Maybe this tree was a literal message to me in a bottle.

You don't have to invite him to your holidays

 This was a Big Realization.

{I had this conversation with the therapist, too.}

I asked Chloe what she would think about me hanging Dad's stocking along with everyone else's this year.  She asked me if I were "in crisis".  So that got me to thinking: she is probably in a healthy place, allowing grief to live within the Christmas season.  Why shouldn't I?  Its impossible to include someone who is no longer here.

So why would I hang a stocking?

For years, Mark was central to my Christmas. But I do not have to continue to include some homage to him -  a sentimental "Dad" gift (a mug with his picture on it, for example), a dish he would have wanted (no more ham balls!), a tradition he insisted upon (a real tree we all cut down).  And I can honor him any way I choose.  Although I could be somewhat snarky about this and say that I am doing so by living my fu*king life, I will do these things to remember him at this time of year as he was part of 40 of my Christmases:

*put a framed photo of him on my tree

*continue the Christmas traditions we set as new parents (stockings, for example)

*keep using the 1972 tree

*go to the church we married in and say a prayer for him

*hug my children which are the four best things we ever did

But the rest of whatever I do for Christmas will be based on what Gina wants.  It doesn't have to be complicated and I feel like this prolonged grief has made it so.  So as I work to untangle that, its a good idea to keep moving on with life.  And its Ok not to invite him to my Christmas this year.

Happy things for Winter, 2025

Well, I definitely do not want to have to wait until June to enjoy some abundance!

And I agree that a positive attitude will attract good luck.

I did, after all, have "expect the best" tattooed on my arm...so here is the current list of happy things as we go into winter:

*I have done all of my Christmas gift shopping, and any last minute gifts will come from the candy store aka liquor store. Decorating will be pretty simple, as will be meal planning. 

*I am done with indoor painting for the year and I have made more progress in making my home reflect who I am and what I need.  I have zero guilt about getting rid of things that don't serve me. (looking at you, black and white chairs)

*I have had a busy year getting out and about to movies, concerts, and events.  I am looking forward to a couple of other "date nights" with myself, but also lots of reading on my new couch.  I want to catch up on all the books I have on my 'to read' list.

Going in to this season I am protecting my peace of mind and free time, and I am feeling more gratitude each day.  The goal is to simplify and enjoy what I have, putting a hold on big projects until next year.  Setting up new traditions and honoring the old.  And making plans for all that may come in 2026 - attracting abundance!

What I'm into now and what I'm not

This is a post topic I borrowed from another blog - written by Kari at A Grace Full Life.  And I gave some thought about this because, whoa, my life is so different now from what it once was.

And hitting a milestone birthday yesterday makes it all more current!

Things I used to be into:

a lot more sewing 

writing/typing letters

talking on the phone

decorating my house for the seasons

visiting wineries

filling up photo albums

coloring my hair

needlecrafts

cooking

Things I am into now:

meditation

journaling and blogging

texting friends

purging what I own, often

sitting on my back deck and listening to the birds

working jigsaw puzzles

reading

not cooking

simplifying life

With age I have discovered a new authentic me. This is a season of discovery for me and I am excited to see where it leads me.  The life I used to live is no more, and maybe this is exactly where I were supposed to end up.  I don't know, but I am OK with changing my focus as the years have gone by. What about you?  Any discoveries on life now vs. life then?

Embracing heartache

 When I was having dinner with Firstborn a while back, he mentioned he needed a wall calendar to stay better organized.  I find that amusing as I know I've given him plenty of those in the past and thought he wasn't really using them!  But I took advantage of a sale and create a photo calendar for all of my peeps as a gift for Christmas.  My idea was to use printed photos from our family photo albums - the funny and cute ones that they probably don't remember ever seeing.  I probably have enough photos to make calendars for years to come!  On the cover is this gem from 1990:

Which cracks me up every time.

I've felt mad for various reasons these past four years.  I think my brain was trying to protect my heart by allowing me to live in the anger.  It was easier (although not pleasant) to be mad than heartbroken.  Anger gives you energy to purge your garage and get shit done whereas heartbreak gives you tears and wasted days spent on the couch.

I want so much to move through this time in my life and emerge in a good place.  And I thought I was making good progress (sloooowly) until I was told I probably have complicated grief. So, there's more work to be done, for sure.  But I am determined.

All it took was going through the photo albums to see, really see, all of the losses - parents, in-laws, spouse.  Kids growing up and moving out.  The loss of me, too - the progression of sweet young thing to overworked and frustrated mom and wife to widow.  Its a lot to process.

I don't look through them all that often but every time I think "I wish Mark were here to talk to about this", which is ironic, no?

So my goal for these photos is to embrace the heartache and look through them with an open mind. Pull the photos out to look at them, but put the anger back into the box, and open up the possibility of more happy.  Because, there was a lot of happy back then and there can be more ahead, too.