Dream feelings #9 - Teddy?

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a barking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.

Getting rid of things

 I feel like the purging and organizing has been going on at my house for the entirety of the 2 yrs, 9 mos and 3 days that Mark has been gone.  I know that to some it may seem as though I am just willy-nilly throwing stuff out without stopping to evaluate it's worth.  But I feel certain that I am on the right path for me, managing my possessions and responsibilities. And a lot of these things have no sentiment for me.

Some of them may have value to someone, but that's subjective only.  For each thing I think:  Can I use it? Does it have sentiment for me? If not, is it going to be worth it to store and maintain and remember where it is?  Getting my home in order makes me feel more in control of the space I am now 100% responsible for.   It gives me peaceful and calm feelings to see order instead of chaos.  And managing my home and possessions helps me to focus on other things in life which are not even necessarily things.  So by extension, it helps me manage my life as well.  I think I am on the right track.

Happy things for May 2024

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want the future to look like.  And I think I have decided that I first have to start with changing up my present state.  So, changing up life is my focus for "Happy Things For May".

but also:

*The house is finished being repaired and painted and looks great. Home projects for May are not as time-consuming or costly and include cleaning the A/C coils, refinishing my headlamps, doing a bit more garage organizing (kids' stuff), and selling the cameras.

*My sister and I are on speaking terms, outside of the topic of Mother and are trying to lend each other grief support.  I am going to keep this very surface level, for now.

*Grayson has a new job and seems to enjoy it.  He is paying for his auto insurance and his phone bill.  I choose not to worry about him as much.

My plan is keep this calm momentum into June!

Dream feelings #8 - slipping away

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile.

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house. 

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years so clean-up was manageable.  I will plant new lantanas this month, too.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come clear out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs look "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.

The amateur radios, et al.

This will seem like a long rambling story.

About throwing Mark's shit away.

Mark was an amateur radio operator.  He had been interested in it for years, back when CB radios were a thing.  So in the very early 90's he got his radio license.  He commandeered the walk-in closets at both houses to make his very own "ham shack" and climbed around in both attics, installing antennas.  He also installed radios in all of his vehicles, with the associated antennas.  He was a member of several emergency response organizations, taught a radio badge for boy scouts, and participated in several City of Austin Emergency Response drills (remember Y2K?).  Recently I came across all of his licenses and certificates and training manuals and books and notes and ID badges and CRAP and seriously, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.  I cleaned out the drawers I had it all stored in.  Then I turned my attention to the actual radios and etc.

I had pulled all of them out of the master closet and was this close to taking them all to the recycle center when Grayson said, lets sell them I'll help you.  But after a month's time, we both realized we were in over our heads.  So in a fit of  "myGodIcan'tstandthisanymore", I pushed all of it to one side of the garage while I worked on another project. Then I calmly pulled the recycle bin around to the garage and loaded up all of the manuals and cardboard boxes Mark had saved.  I shoved the radios, and a very old chainsaw and drill, into the back of the truck and made an appointment at the recycle center to drop them all off.  I felt a twinge of guilt, then I remembered:

Mark is not his stuff.  Mark neither cares about nor needs ham radios in heaven.  Mark would understand the burden of this stuff and would want me not to be unhappy in my home.  Then I let them go.

P.S.  Someday I may tell the story of how we struck a deal involving ham radios with Mark going to the dentist...

That was hard

About a month ago, I got this card in the mail, sent via the donor people, from someone thanking our family for donor tissue for use in healing of her arm.  Apparently, the tissue was taken from Mark.  This happened back in November of 2023, but we just got the note.  So, the tissue graft was successful.

I'm glad.  That's the point of being a donor. 

I didn't know what to think about it at first.

I shared it with Dylan and Grayson, since they are home with me.  They both quietly and calmly acknowledged it.  It spent a week or two posted on the fridge, then I put it away in the "Mark" file, with all of the other sympathy cards and letters we have received. And while I know Mark would have said something like "very cool!", I can't also help but think it wasn't so.  I'm thankful to know that I honored Mark's wishes and he has the potential of helping others, but still. 

It did wreck me a little bit. 

That was hard.