The biggest project

 Its coming up on three years since Mark died.  I think about how different life is now and how much has stayed the same.  Along with change with my house, there have been changes in myself as well.  I would love to say I have weathered these changes with grace, but most times I felt like I was just being pulled a long in a raging flood of muck.

One of the best things to happen is that I am focused more on my health than I have ever been. And it shocks me to realize how badly I was taking care of myself before.  What was I thinking.

I remember talking to Mark about changes we needed to make and sometimes he was on board, other times, not so much.  There were things that had needed to be done at Rustown for years that we didn't get done, simply because all of our resources were going to Highlands.  And the same can be said about health changes we needed to make.  It kind of makes me feel sad when I think on it. 

All that love poured into Highlands and so little into ourselves.

All I can do is move forward with what I need to do in life.  Not just for my home, but for myself as well.  And I have become the biggest project of all!

Happy Things for June 2024

 

*The focus this month will be taking charge of my health and my weight, working on habits I want to change: eating late, fast food, no exercise, no time spent on hobbies or pastimes, excessive worry and rumination.  I am putting a plan into action that I think will bring me good results.

*I am done with the garage cleaning and purging, along with cleaning out my mother's home, so that is no longer weighing on me.  I got rid of the last few things I could and stored the rest and I am OK with that as a stopping point.

*On-going conversations with my sister continue as we move through Mom's loss.  While I can't say we are friends, I can say that we are on more common ground.  And we agreed not to stew too much over the sad and stressful last few months.

*Lastly: FINALLY got resolution to retirement account funds I didn't know Mark had.  The money will be rolled over into my own retirement account.  It was not a lot of money, but he earned it and I'm adding it to my long-term pot.

I'm ready for some summer!

Dream feelings #9 - Teddy?

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a barking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.

Getting rid of things

 I feel like the purging and organizing has been going on at my house for the entirety of the 2 yrs, 9 mos and 3 days that Mark has been gone.  I know that to some it may seem as though I am just willy-nilly throwing stuff out without stopping to evaluate it's worth.  But I feel certain that I am on the right path for me, managing my possessions and responsibilities. And a lot of these things have no sentiment for me.

Some of them may have value to someone, but that's subjective only.  For each thing I think:  Can I use it? Does it have sentiment for me? If not, is it going to be worth it to store and maintain and remember where it is?  Getting my home in order makes me feel more in control of the space I am now 100% responsible for.   It gives me peaceful and calm feelings to see order instead of chaos.  And managing my home and possessions helps me to focus on other things in life which are not even necessarily things.  So by extension, it helps me manage my life as well.  I think I am on the right track.

Happy things for May 2024

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want the future to look like.  And I think I have decided that I first have to start with changing up my present state.  So, changing up life is my focus for "Happy Things For May".

but also:

*The house is finished being repaired and painted and looks great. Home projects for May are not as time-consuming or costly and include cleaning the A/C coils, refinishing my headlamps, doing a bit more garage organizing (kids' stuff), and selling the cameras.

*My sister and I are on speaking terms, outside of the topic of Mother and are trying to lend each other grief support.  I am going to keep this very surface level, for now.

*Grayson has a new job and seems to enjoy it.  He is paying for his auto insurance and his phone bill.  I choose not to worry about him as much.

My plan is keep this calm momentum into June!

Dream feelings #8 - slipping away

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile.

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house. 

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years so clean-up was manageable.  I will plant new lantanas this month, too.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come clear out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs look "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.