Things I forgive Mark and myself for*

Well, pretty much everything.

Mark and I did not live the charmed life, weren't perfect parents, and were often disconnected as spouses.  We argued about basic things and had a hard time apologizing.  He was a borderline hoarder, socially outgoing and likeable, super involved with his children.  I was organized and detail focused, balancing home, my job, and child rearing, and was sometimes introverted.

Over the years we disagreed about big things.

In other words, we were human.

I've had to remind myself not to place Mark on some kind of pedestal.  But, he was a truly good person, who loved me only a little less than my own mother did.  I don't regret one minute of my life spent with him, and I hope he would have said the same about me.  No one has a perfect marriage, and what even constitutes that?  We made a life together that produced a beautiful family and we had some very good times mixed in.  And we had real love.

Whenever I beat myself up about what I could have or should have said or done, I remind myself that forgiveness works both ways.  I'm sure he would feel the same if he were here, looking back on our life together.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for March 2024

I made a calendar for myself of all the things I wanted to work on this year at my house.  

One of the first things for March is fixing another shared fence section between me and a neighbor.  Surprisingly, he agreed to cover half of the cost and is going to pay for an extra post, as well.  So including this getting resolved, here are the other happy things for March:

*I sent a money donation to the senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom, who would have been 94 yesterday. 

*I got the Baja put in my name and it was fairly painless.  That's one step forward to getting the issue of the vehicles resolved. 

*My labs came back all "within normal limits" and my cholesterol was "great" - a quote from my doc.  Now I just need to get the reflux in check and I am working hard on that. My weight is stable, too.

*I am almost done selling all of the items I had listed on Ebay. 

*The seasons are changing and Spring is just about here.  I am ready to move forward in many areas of life.  I will keep up my walking program and focus on my health!

Things I wish I could do over*

I'm sure that a lot of people play this game with themselves. If you could only go back in time, right?  Maybe you are remembering a happier time and just want to re-live it.  Recently Grayson told me he wanted to be 16 again -  when he was happy.  My heart broke a little.  Being 16 is something I would do over, too, but for different reasons. 

When I was 16 I lacked discipline and direction.  I dreamed and wished for a life that I wasn't actively working toward achieving.  And I wasn't a particularly nice person because I was so dissatisfied with my life.  I lost my way with my religion, relationships, self-respect.  I made good grades, got my driver's license and a part time job, and attained some status in high school circles.

me at 16

Here's what I would do differently starting at 16:

*focused on what I wanted to do for a living someday, and apply for jobs and opportunities that aligned with that.  I would have maintained a high standard of honesty and hard work, limiting my absenteeism, gaining insight from my peers and supervisors, and learning how to manage my money.

*enjoyed all of the opportunities high school had to offer instead of being so focused on popularity, drill team, and boys. Taken college prep level classes.

*pick the university I wanted to attend based on my future goals, graduated on time, worked part time and kept my grades high. Started applying for post college jobs sooner.

*Dated less.  Said no to things I shouldn't have been doing.  Been responsible for my own health and well-being.  Kept the lines of communication open with my mother.

*Made worthwhile connections and met more people.  Honored family relationships.  Gone to church with my mother.  Taken care of my body and my mental and physical health.  Asked for help.

*Plotted a course, then walked the path, held my head up, made myself proud.

Its like they say:  youth is wasted on the young!

*still following a series of prompts

Happy Things for February '24

 Is it just me, or does it seem like New Year's was just a couple weeks ago?

Also, it seems like I really look forward to January for that fresh start/clean slate feeling.  I am going to keep my head up and find the good.

*the fence is repaired and it cost much less than two other quotes I got.

*the water pressure issue for the house and kitchen was resolved and its soooo nice to have good water pressure and a fully functioning kitchen faucet!

*I started a walking program and while doing so I listen to Ted talks which are helpful.

* I got that big auto pipe outta my garage, a bunch of stuff decluttered from my house.  Progress!

*I'm going to buy a new car, sell mine to Grayson, then sell the Baja and Ridgeline.  Will I regret this?  Right now I can't see a reason why.

Deep breaths - February is off to a decent start.

A time we got along really well*

Mark's 63rd birthday would have been this coming Wednesday.

The very last weekend that we had together was a good one.  We visited a brewery and Italian restaurant in Llano, as well as a winery, then a tasting room, in Mason. At Highlands, I fixed us a simple dinner to enjoy by the firepit.  I remember staying up much later than Mark did.

He was so tired, recovering from a heart attack, but we didn't know that.

our hill, at sundown

On Sunday, Mark slept in until about 9 a.m. while I had gotten up earlier - around 7 a.m.  I made a pot of coffee, then sat on one of the patio chairs to keep an eye and ear out for passing wildlife - geese overhead, deer walking through, and the sounds of the cows mooing on the ranch next door.  He would have said "oh, you're just going to let me sleep the morning away?" as he always did.  I would have gotten him a cup of coffee and started making breakfast. 

I spy a cow

 Until noon we worked on various projects, just putseying around. Mark installed some nice stereo speakers on the outside of the Winnebago, then sat in his chair in the sun, listening to music.  Come up here, I said to him, motioning to the front of the barn.  I knew he hadn't been feeling well and I just wanted him to relax in the shade.  I opened his favorite wine (Lime in the Coconut!) and we sat in chairs facing each other, listening to music and chatting about anything and everything for a couple of hours. It was so comfortable - like two old friends and each others' favorite companion.  In the late afternoon we took a nap, then woke around 6 p.m, loaded up the RV, and headed home.  I remember thinking that we were really connecting, and I swore to myself that the NEXT weekend, we were just going to relax.  No projects, no travel, just time in our chairs in the sun on our hill, soaking up the last bit of summer, together.   

And then the unthinkable happened.

I miss talking with him, most of all. Catching up on our day or week, swapping stories about our jobs and people we knew, discussing the kids, making plans for Highlands and the future.  And I'm thankful that as that work week wore on, with all of its frustrations and stress, we'd had Sunday together, enjoying each others' company.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

A memory that makes me laugh*

 Full disclosure: this is one of those mean yet actually harmless sibling stories that I have laughed about throughout the years, almost to the point of not being able to re-tell it.  In fact, I just snort-laughed, reliving it in my mind!  It will never not make me laugh. I'm sure my sister did not find it amusing in the least.

I can hear my mother now calling me a "bad ole girl"

Years ago, when we lived in Galveston, we were in a house that had a couple of rooms which shared a closet that connected them. (mostly the cat's favorite place to go and pee on shoes)  So you could sneak from one room to the next, deviling each other, as my mother would say.  On one such occasion, I hid in my 15 year old sister's side of the closet, having sneaked in via my mother's room.  My unsuspecting 12 year old brother was in the living room that was just adjacent, watching TV.  I'm sure my mother was at work with the three of us home unattended.  This house had a tiny bathroom for the four of us to share and it was located on the other side of the house from the bedrooms - in fact just outside of the kitchen, which was a dumb place to put a bathroom.  It was so small that after a bath or shower we would wrap ourselves in a towel to return to our room to get dressed.  

This is a crucial detail in my story.

So there I was, lying in wait for her, in the dark closet of her room, with the door barely open a crack.

{This is hard to type as I have to pause and laugh every so often...hold please}

As she entered the room, clutching the towel wrapped around her, another towel wrapped turban style on her head, carrying a cup of coffee, I let out this insanely terrible schlurping noise, scaring the absolute shit out of her.  It was the first time in my life I had ever made that sound - I don't even know where it came from.  She threw the full cup of coffee into the air where it rained down on her newly clean self, dropped her towels, and ran screaming into the living room in her birthday suit with wild wet hair in her face where my brother sat gaping at her, wide-eyed. I literally fell out of the closet laughing so hard I could not breathe and couldn't speak for some time.

In no way did I feel remorse or regret for doing this to her, and probably did not even help her recover her dignity or clean up the spilled coffee.  And I'm sure she was merely trying to get ready for an after school job.  This possibly explains why my sister does not think I am funny.

In fact, she has spent the rest of her life making sure I understand the phrase "paybacks are hell".

Ha ha.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for January 2024

Its time for the monthly focus on my blessings, not my troubles.  

Less beer, but not no beer

*The year ended on a calm and quiet note and my family had a good Christmas.  I stayed well within my budget and plans and I think that set a positive example for my adult kids.  As one of them stated, (Christmas) "doesn't have to be exactly the same every year", which tells me that they understand the need for holidays to evolve for us as a family.  Another lightbulb moment for me!

*The tile job is finished.

*Grayson is no longer commuting to San Marcos in the Baja, and for now he is done with school.

*I survived my two week bout with RSV and am feeling better.  I have started back on my walking.  Health-wise, I am doing my best at making healthy choices, which also includes far less drinking.

*I have already started on the yearly purging and cleaning and organizing of the spaces in my home  and I have a plan for moving forward with projects and that gives me such a feeling of accomplishment and control!  I'm going to enlist the boys' help more often as well.

That's not a bad list of happy things for January!