Me again

 Thinning hair and all.

Oh, to feel like myself.

Instead of being depressed, maybe hopeful.  Instead of feeling confused, feeling capable.  Instead of crying most of the day, maybe just a few minutes every now and then when I need to.  The old Gina was strong, and knew her mind. She was organized at home, and loved reading and doing crafty things. She was engaged in her life, not an unwilling participant.  She had opinions and thoughts and strived for expressing herself fully.  She had Mark, but she also had herself.

I'm getting there.

Happy things for September 2024

 I am looking forward to September, welcoming Fall, and discovering some happy things.

*I still haven't bought the new fridge, but there is zero rush for that, so I can wait until I find exactly what I want. 

*I am continuing my walking while easing up a little on logging the food and weight.  My plan was to change up my habits and I am moving right along on that.

*Chloe's birthday is coming up!  She will be my new 33 year old, but always my sweet little girlie.  

*Bulky trash pick up is this month and I have ONE thing that I know of to set out!  I have come a long way since 2021 in emptying out my attic and garage and it feels so good.

*I have been reading regularly.

*I will remember Mom every day, but especially on the 28th.

*Taking a MHD on the last Monday of the month.  

My goodness, mind your own

My kids are grown and do not need me to clean their rooms, or cook for them, or basically do ANYTHING for them except exist as their parent. 

So why I felt the need to take care of Grayson's laundry, change his sheets, vacuum his room, and toss out all of his trash is a mystery that I'm just going to chalk up to temporary insanity.

Besides making him very angry at the end of a hard week, it did little to actually help him and it backfired on me in a big way.  Since then, I've been telling myself daily to mind my own business and stop making people around me want to avoid me with my craziness.  Good Lord, its hard to have grown kids living with you, no matter how temporary it may be.

Happy things for August 2024

I have been a busy little beaver, doing all I can to feel better this summer.

There were good things for July which included:

Continued working on my plans for home and self maintenance, doing as many things as I could myself.  I treated the photinia and crepe myrtle. Worked on the grass, patching up a big bare spot and keeping the landscape watered.  Continued to meet with the dietician, and lost a bit of weight. Had a negative mammo and a great follow-up visit with my doc after getting some help to move forward.  Got my teeth cleaned. Started working with a case manager to find a counselor.  Grew my nails out. Cut my hair.  Decided to stop cooking for the boys and worrying about Grayson in general.  Got my car inspected, tires rotated, oil changed, paid tags. Cleaned the carpets. Paid my bills on time. Slept well. Read several books.

Whew!

Good things for August:

*Got reimbursed for Mom's funeral.

*Will look for a new refrigerator, as I have discovered I really want the ice and water dispensers to work!

*Getting the roof inspected again since it is 15 years old. I want to head into winter knowing that my home is protected from the top down.

*Heading into August with a 7 pound weight loss.  So I know that the changes I've made so far are having a positive impact on my health.

*Working with a case manager to find a therapist.  Will continue taking one Monday off work per month as a mental health day.

Doing my best to keep this momentum going!

The biggest project

 Its coming up on three years since Mark died.  I think about how different life is now and how much has stayed the same.  Along with change with my house, there have been changes in myself as well.  I would love to say I have weathered these changes with grace, but most times I felt like I was just being pulled a long in a raging flood of muck.

One of the best things to happen is that I am focused more on my health than I have ever been. And it shocks me to realize how badly I was taking care of myself before.  What was I thinking.

I remember talking to Mark about changes we needed to make and sometimes he was on board, other times, not so much.  There were things that had needed to be done at Rustown for years that we didn't get done, simply because all of our resources were going to Highlands.  And the same can be said about health changes we needed to make.  It kind of makes me feel sad when I think on it. 

All that love poured into Highlands and so little into ourselves.

All I can do is move forward with what I need to do in life.  Not just for my home, but for myself as well.  And I have become the biggest project of all!

Happy Things for June 2024

 

*The focus this month will be taking charge of my health and my weight, working on habits I want to change: eating late, fast food, no exercise, no time spent on hobbies or pastimes, excessive worry and rumination.  I am putting a plan into action that I think will bring me good results.

*I am done with the garage cleaning and purging, along with cleaning out my mother's home, so that is no longer weighing on me.  I got rid of the last few things I could and stored the rest and I am OK with that as a stopping point.

*On-going conversations with my sister continue as we move through Mom's loss.  While I can't say we are friends, I can say that we are on more common ground.  And we agreed not to stew too much over the sad and stressful last few months.

*Lastly: FINALLY got resolution to retirement account funds I didn't know Mark had.  The money will be rolled over into my own retirement account.  It was not a lot of money, but he earned it and I'm adding it to my long-term pot.

I'm ready for some summer!

Dream feelings #9 - Teddy?

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a barking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.