If I could tell him about my year, what would I say?*

 Dear Mark,

     Here is a quick month-by-month rundown of what 2023 looked like for me.

I wish I knew how this whole "swimming through grief" thing is done.

January - Made a nice meal which none of our kids showed up to, met Deb for a beer, paid Texas State, had a bout of gastritis, got a mammo, celebrated Spencer's birthday, dropped off my car for major repair, took a week off for a big ice storm that damaged our trees, cried and drank, thought about you on your birthday, as always.

February - Called my mother on the regular, took fallen limbs to the curb, paid Texas State, picked Deb up for a wine club pick-up, took a load of crap to Goodwill, cleaned at mom's, cried, worked on my back yard, saw the dentist, went to Highlands, let Dylan move back home.

March - Called Mother on her birthday, had ATT come out due to squirrel chewing, replaced the water filters, had an asthma attack for the first time in my life, ordered curtain rods, paid Texas State, put new tires on the truck, bought Mom a rosebush and made her a pie, got an oil change, had a well-woman visit, met new friends at Circle Brewing, cried, posted your eulogy on this blog, cleaned the garage again, saw a dermatologist.

April - did more yard work, paid Texas State, checked on Highlands, met a friend and her mother for a beer on Easter, had my last day at DCMC during a stressful week at work, cried, started at the new hospital, put out bulky trash for collection,  cancelled the wine club, got a haircut, ate lunch out with my new team, cleaned out my kitchen cabinets, donated more crap, started working weekends.

May - mulched the front landscaping, picked up wines at Perissos, started taking call every Wednesday, cleaned my oven, Mom had a breast biopsy and repeat mammo (its cancer), paid Texas State, took yet another load of crap to Goodwill,  cried, threw out all of your shoe polish, steam cleaned the carpets, refinished the kitchen cabinets, called the handyman for Highlands, worked Memorial Day, had an eye exam, was forgotten on Mother's Day.

June - refinished the coffee tables, started weekly mowing and edging, cried, cleaned out two gutters, shredded a bunch of paperwork, sent money to Grayson, tried to fix the ceiling fans, called the tile guy, went to Highlands with Dylan to oversee pipe repair by a really weird handyman, found a realtor to list Highlands, scrubbed and sealed the deck, saw my mother, paid the trailer tags, sold Highlands/canoe/trailer, got my labs drawn, replaced my landscape lights, took extra call, got Mom's echo results, got in trouble for not group texting on Father's Day.

July -  worked July 4th, Mom had a mastectomy, painted the backdoor, met with financial advisor at credit union, failed at finding a new counselor for me, met a friend for a beer, picked up some important documents in downtown Austin, sold your guitars, really cried, closed on Highlands, bought tires for my car, Mom had a stroke and fell - visited her in the ICU, brought Grayson home from Texas State, hospice arranged for Mom.

August - Visited mom in Bryan hospital several times, took the marine battery to the recycle center, Mom transferred to Caldwell Rehab, drove to Caldwell several times, took the Baja in for repairs, found Grayson drunk and puking in a ziploc at home, started working to manage mom's affairs, got a steroid shot for severe knee pain, organized all the tools, got off the antidepressant, never called out, saw my doctor, send a craft project to a friend, cried, got my roof inspected, got more trees trimmed, changed homeowners and auto insurance, saw the dentist.

September - took paint to the recycle center, had more routine maintenance on my car,  visited Mom at Melissa's house a couple times a week, worked on finding a nursing home, had Home Depot come measure the floors, euthanized Gus, cleaned Mom's house and gathered up her mail, put more bulky trash out, met with mom's financial advisor, spent hours at Wells Fargo, spent hours at Chase, put new tires on the Baja, initiated a long term care policy claim for mom, celebrated Chloe's birthday, got a refund check from the first nursing home and found a more suitable place, so much crying, went to Brenham again to check mail and set up timers, tile guy delivered tile, stressful move of Mom to Spanish Oaks where she then died a few hours later.

October - planned a funeral, wrote an obit and arranged it to be published, tried to help Spencer re-home his cats which didn't pan out, took Dylan and Chloe with me to abovementioned funeral, got a haircut, noticed the fridge is leaking, guest bathroom tile job was begun, found Grayson passed out in his room, cried and panicked, painted and purged my office, got rid of the wine fridge and about a dozen wine glasses, celebrated Dylan's birthday, took jewelry in for repair.

November - Took paperwork and files to mom's executor/lawyer, including all of her wet and ruined mail from the post office, got the name of a new therapist I won't follow up on, put a Christmas tree up in my bedroom, noticed the fence is falling and called a fence company for a quote, got the tile job done in my bathroom, made cinnamon dough for ornament tags, cried, got my air ducts cleaned, had the switch replaced in the boy bathroom, replaced the shower stall splash guard, got TxTag to cancel your account, took a beginner Tai Chi class, took myself to a movie, cleaned the house/cooked all of the food/hosted Thanksgiving after working a 6 hour shift, decorated the Christmas tree with Dylan, cried a lot, thrift shopped and found a dress for Christmas Eve.  Made my New Year's resolutions early.

December - Battled a 2 week respiratory illness, took more things to Goodwill, haggled with T-Mobile over my bill, got a contact number for the hospital chaplain, got Harry's diamond cufflinks turned into earrings (Merry Christmas to me), changed the air filters, put together all of Christmas gifts, decided not to send out cards, decorated the house, cried, didn't drink as much, paid the 6 months due tags on the Baja, found another of your knives to give Grayson for his birthday, got rid of most of the firewood, made fudge, participated in Secret Santa at work, attended church virtually on Christmas Eve, hosted the kids for Christmas Day, celebrated Grayson's birthday, un-decorated/cleaned/organized the week after Christmas, finally got Grayson to tell me he didn't pass his last class, moved some furniture around, took Christmas down, watched Netflix and read, and will work the entire weekend of New Year's.

Hopefully this recap will look far different in 2024.

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.

Something that makes me feel cared for*

I was sick recently with some kind of respiratory bug and on a phone call with another co-worker she suddenly asked "Can I bring you something? maybe some Sudafed?"

"I'll bring you that.  Anything else?"  It kind of made me want to cry, to tell you the truth.  Turns out she emptied her medicine cabinet and brought me a grocery sack full of OTC delights.  I'm not used to having anyone pinch hit for me in life.  Even the people who live at home with me listened to me choke, cough, and cry for several days before they spoke up.   Leave it to another working mom to hear you and offer some Sudafed and TLC.  

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.

A mantra for now*

I hear this in my mother's voice as she tells me:

"You can do this, Gina.  You're a strong woman." 

trees are amazing - as they grow they bend, rather than break

I didn't ask to be in this life situation I am now.  I did not approve of all these changes. I'm being handed a lot of shi*t I don't want.  And yet I get up every day, make my bed, put my clothes on, and get to work, so maybe that's all that strength is anyway. When I pray, I ask God for more strength, just so I can get through this terrible time and see what's on the other side.  Because what else would I ask for?

There might be something great ahead, so I will expect the best.

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.

One thing I can do today to make life easier*

 One thing I have been meaning to do lately is to start up walking again.  Just trying to force myself  out of my routine and put on my tennies and GO is so hard.  But I know it would make my life better in many ways.  I would:

*sleep better

*have more energy during the day

*get some sun and fresh air

*probably feel better mentally

*meet neighbors and get reacquainted with my neighborhood

*probably increase my metabolism, helping me lose weight

*lower my blood pressure

ha ha!

I went so far as to buy a new pair of tennies that I have used only a handful of times.  I even parked them right by the front door.  What I need to do is set an alarm with The Google Lady, my phone, and ask one of the boys or a friend to help me be accountable.

I can do that.

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.  It was an idea I found on a grief website, and I remember which one, I will come back and update this post.

Happy things for December 2023

My December home is sanctuary. 

Peaceful, quiet, beautiful, relaxed.  Just what I want to feel.

*In November, I gave all of Mom's papers and mail to the attorney and now I am doing no more than the other three heirs in regards to her estate.

*Some random home repairs are off my list: the fan switch in the boys' bathroom, the dryer vent was cleaned for the first time in years, and the tile job is finished.  Three things off my Rustown list.

*I was done with Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving and stayed within a very reasonable budget.  

*I'm off work Christmas Day, and if the weather allows I will take a nice long walk, eat a delish meal, read for a bit, and relax with a nap!  And I am looking forward to working my regular shift on New Year's Day as a send-off to the '23 holiday season. 

*Grayson will be done commuting to San Marcos.

*My nails are back to growing and look great.  I got some jewelry repairs done and am enjoying said jewelry.  I started up walking again.  And health-wise, everything is on an even keel for me right now.

All is calm.  All is bright.

One thing I want to remember about Mark and Mom*

 Mom

     She had such strength.  She may have cried and felt immense sadness, but she always managed to "pull her socks up" (her words) and get on with the business of life with great dignity.  As a single working mom, she set such a strong example for me and I try every day to think of that as I navigate this whole messy grief life.  She felt her losses deeply, but managed to create a life for herself just the same.  And she forever loved and missed Jim, but carried on bravely with faith.  She was a powerful force in my life.

Mark

     His love for me was true, steadfast, and strong.  He never stopped loving me, even when I was un-loveable.  He may have been cross with me at times, but it never changed how he felt about me deep down inside. I always knew where I stood with him. I hope I was able to express to him how much he meant to me.

The best things about two of the best people, who I miss deeply.

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts.

Things I love about my job

What a difference a year makes!

A year ago, I was miserable at my job, and I had been for at least a couple of years.

One of the rooms I spend a large portion of my weekends in!

Mark knew it, too.  So we devised a plan.

The plan was to learn a new modality (CT), wait until the new hospital opened, then commute from Burnet to Austin for a part-time position there.  One calamity after another happened.  But I did eventually make it to the new place.  And I have to say, though it has taken me a few months to settle in to the routine of my new shift, I couldn't be happier that I made the move.

For starters:  I'm not overworked and overwhelmed by the work.  I'm not on my feet all day, sometimes going without lunch, being sent to challenging situations, running all over a huge Level I trauma hospital for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Although I work three 12 hour shifts per week, I have plenty of time to sit, regroup, recharge. And I don't go without breaks. I don't have a boss who hates women, discourages upward mobility, and discounts every suggestion or idea.  My boss buys us snacks and sits and talks to us in the workroom. Communication could be better, but suggestions and input are welcome. I don't work with people who call out, slack off, or bring their drama to work making a challenging day harder for everyone else. I genuinely like my co-workers and we are all happy to be there - many of transferred from the bigger hospital.  The equipment is new, not perfect, but I'm proficient on it.  After 6 months, I know my way around the hospital and most of the employees I come in contact with.  There is plenty of parking at street level, a Keurig in every breakroom, music on Pandora in the workroom, and I earn more money than I ever have.

Most importantly, I feel valued.

That's a lot to love about my job!

Mom

 Oh, this makes me sad to post.

But its been 2 weeks so here goes.

Jeannette Ogden Parry 3/01/1930 – 9/28/2023

Jeannette Parry of Brenham Texas passed peacefully on September 28, 2023.

Born during The Great Depression, Jeannette, the daughter of Malcolm Ogden and Beatrice Pledger lived a simple, yet idyllic childhood spent roaming the woods and springs of rural East Texas with her brother Robert and cousin Charles, who both preceded her in death.. She graduated high school at age 16 in Coldsprings, Texas and as a young mother of three enrolled in XRay school at Herman Memorial Hospital. This set the stage for a lifetime of work in the medical field of Imaging. In the late 70's she increased her knowledge and training and was the first Ultrasound Technologist at John Sealy Hospital at UTMB in Galveston and served as Chief Technologist, living the example to her children of the importance of an education and training. She worked all over the United States and two hospitals in Saudi Arabia. She was an expert at anything she put her mind to: quilting, crochet, embroidery, cooking, raising chickens, gardening, traveling. She had a zest for life and an indomitable spirit.

Jeannette was married four times and had eight children – 6 girls and two boys: Jeannette, Sherry, Alene, Margaret, Kenneth (deceased), Gina, Melissa, and Kurt. She recently expressed how happy she was to have been a mother. In addition she had 23 grandchildren, 11 great grandchildren, and four great great grandchildren. She created a legacy of love and resilience in the face of adversity and was a force to be reckoned with. She was predeceased in death by all of her husbands, her son Kenneth, and her beloved companion Gus. Through it all, she never lost her faith or her strength of character. Good job, Mom - you were a courageous and strong woman who set an example for all of us. We look forward with great joy to being with you again someday. 

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away
I'll fly away oh glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

I just want to add, that I may have put a kinder touch to things or made it seem like a peaceful passing.  But the last two months were traumatic and stressful for my sisters and myself.  How much Mom understood was happening is unclear.  There was a sense that she was trapped in a body and brain that did a slow job of dying. Since none of us knew exactly what to expect, what we should do, nor how to do it, grief started up almost immediately.  And because of the way my mother arranged her affairs, it will be months before we can finalize them and move on.

So, an 8 month timeline for my mother's mastectomy, stroke, fall, hospitalization, decline, death, burial, will probate, and disposition of property.  Cue grief.

Happy things for October

 A little work-related humor:

Because this has happened to every XR tech

*After a couple of months that were stressful and terrible, Mom passed. It may sound awful to anyone reading this, but I feel relief mixed in with the sadness.

*The weather is cooling - we had a good drenching rain and the grass and shrubs and trees are greening up!   

*I got myself scheduled for painless fillings on the bottom row of my front teeth that will improve my smile.  I got a haircut that released a lot of bounce and looks far less straggly.  I am getting back on a regular schedule with my vitamins.  And I am not eating fast food or junk snacks. I am not letting go of self-care.

*Grayson got a part-time job. I have big blocks of time where the house is all mine.  Hooray for alone time.

*I continue to organize and clean out spaces at my house -  it feels good to stay on top of things.  And I have plans to do some things for the house that the weather will make much pleasanter.

Fall feels like a mini New Year.

Snail mail

As  POA for Mom, I've had to rely on my stash of legal size envelopes, stamps, and return address labels a few times.  That is in addition to having to fax things. The world runs on paper even still. Fax machines are still in use, as well as paper, real ink signatures, and postage.

I ran out of legal size envelopes, so I added them to my grocery list.  Previous to that, I was using just regular ole' envelopes, mostly to stay in touch with Mom.  We have been "faithful correspondents" for years since before I went away to college.  My handwriting was so sloppy that I started typing the letters.  I knew that she was delighted to receive them - she told me that it was the first thing she opened when she found one in the mail.  I wanted her to be able to read them with ease.  Short and sweet - one page long. Phone calls were for her to share what was going on in her life.  Truth be told, I wanted to hear it.  Even though she said I told her otherwise, I never did.

Looking at the plastic bin under my desk is hard. Mother may have misunderstood a thing or two that I wrote to her, and she often "quoted" me incorrectly, but writing her a letter, at least once every week or two, kept me grounded and connected to her.  At some point, I will collect all of those letters, that I am sure she never threw away, and add them to the collection of the letters she wrote to me in response.  They span years and years as a diary of our life together as mother and daughter.

Gus

Months ago I asked Mom what the plan was for Gus when it was time. "Gina, why can't you let me be happy?" was her reply. 

And I get that she didn't want to think of losing him.

But Gus was plagued by glaucoma and could not see.  Likely had migraines, according to the vet. Wasn't hearing too well.  Had a limp, probably due to arthritis or dislocated hip.  And had become incontinent.  This wasn't going to work  at my sister's house, and offers to help weren't really realistic.  Gus is an indoor dog and already a couple of years past his life expectancy.  Mom wasn't aware of Gus; Gus wasn't aware of Mom.  And there was no easy way around it - he had no quality of life and he needed us to relieve his suffering at the vet.  It was time.

So on Thursday, I did.

I understand what he meant to her and I know she would not willingly part with him.  But she was asked several times if she wanted to see Gus, and she said no. It was the second time I had to let a pet go this way, crying like a baby the whole time.  I know my mother will forgive me one day when he greets her in heaven with his happy little barks and wagging tail.  I have to believe that I made the right decision to end his suffering and act humanely.

Rest in peace, Gus.  

Its September

I wanted a whole lot of things to be different this month.

 Mom had sailed through her mastectomy, with very minor and expected surgical side effects.  She had one of my older sisters staying with her, which turns out was a very good thing.  All along I feared that mom was no longer safe by herself and I believe I was right.  Turns out she had fallen at least a couple of times before July - she just didn't tell all of us.  At two weeks post surgery she was feeling cantankerous and yelled at my sister that it was time for her to go.  Which my sister did - not recognizing a change of behavior in my mother.  And exactly three days later, mom had a stroke while standing, fell, and hit her head hard.

So, stroke plus head trauma. Add in broken ribs.

She spent a couple weeks  in the hospital, bouncing back and forth from ICU and Neuro.  Then she got transferred to a rehab hospital, which was no rehab at all.  Its only September as I type this, and maybe by the end of the month some big things will have been resolved, God willing, and we can find a safe place for Mom.

Happy things for August 2023

The happiest thing?  July is over.

Summer is almost over, too! 

Table for one, please.

I love sitting on my deck, even tho its hot.

Fall can't be far away, but also:

*I am going to get the last few maintenance items done on my car, and then I'm going to start the process of selling the truck.  That will make room in the driveway as well as eliminate that expense for me.

*2 of the 3 vehicles got updated (tags, titles, license plates) Expensive, but with a minimum of hassle.

*Related: my finances are improving. 

*I have now been at my new hospital for 3 months and my work stress is greatly reduced.  Like comparing night to day!  I like my co-workers, boss, commute time, pay, hours, equipment, and working conditions.  

*After getting over a 2 year hump, I am feeling better.  I know there will be rainy days ahead, too.  But the sunny ones seem to be lasting longer now. 

If it ain't broke, I fixed it

Lately I think "if it ain't broke, I fixed it"*.

I have hired someone to take care of some things but I have also done some fixing myself!

my humble abode

Sometimes as I am doing these things, I think "well, this isn't working out to be perfect", but what is?  Even Mark had a learning curve.  I can imagine him fixing something for the first time, doing his best and knowing that a done something was better than a perfect nothing. I also imagine him cheering me on, urging me not to give up.  I'm learning a lot about things I never thought I would need to.  And I am proud of me.

*Grayson's version is "if it ain't broke, don't break it"

Happy things for July 2023

 I am settling in to my new shift, though for the last couple of weeks I have been working extra hours and taking a tad bit extra call.  There will always be happy things:

my desk at work

*Highlands sold in a week, and for what I expected to get, without me even getting someone to mow it.  The new owner even wants the canoe and the trailer.

*My boss fixed my pay - I wasn't receiving the full weekend differential.  So not only are my paychecks bigger than what they were when I was working 40 hours M-F, I got back pay for that missing differential.

*My nails are still growing and look great.

*My cholesterol is down.

*My mother did well in her surgery and is at home, resting and recovering.

*I am moving forward with big projects at home.

Discovering what I don't want

 I have spent much time over the past few months thinking "what do I want?".

It may sound ridiculous, but as a married person, all of my wants and plans were filtered through a marriage.  Mark and I mostly compromised on the house, the kids, our future.  But he also had an agenda for how we were going to spend retirement, and really, there wasn't much space in there for me to give an opinion.  But that was then and this is now.

Sometimes it takes pain from something to realize its no longer meant for you. I was wearing my snake boots at Highlands, doing a few things both inside and outside of the barn. Sweating in the brutal heat and humidity, bugs in my face, the inside of the boot heel slowly scaping away my skin,  I thought "I don't want this.  Any of it.".  

I was willing to think of Highlands as an acceptable retirement place. It truly is a place of beauty, and I will forever remember the time spent admiring long sunsets, peaceful breezes, and the wonder of the sky at night.  But it also is a place of harsh weather conditions, cactus and tall grass with little dirt (mostly rock), country wildlife and insects, very hard work, and isolation. And there's no way now that I will ever use it for what it was intended.

And so.  I do now know more about what I want.

Happy things for June 2023

 One of the hardest things to do in life involves changing habits.  They just get so ingrained into your day.  Flexing my "happy thought" muscle is one.  I am grateful for so many things in my life.  So its good to make a list now and again, just to remind myself that happy things are still happening.

*Dylan bought a car.  This relieves me because I was worried that he wasn't concerned about my car's upkeep.  

*I hate to tempt fate, but so far nothing major has failed or needed to be replaced at my house.  And I am doing my best to stay on top of the yards. 

*Haven't had a vertigo episode lately.  Knee only barely aches. Going to get an eye exam this week. I'm staying on top of medications, doctor visits, and improving my habits.

*It makes me feel happy to know I have taken stock of the people in my life and decided who can stay.  I feel lonely at times, but I am making space in my life to make new friends.  What's not to like about THAT?

*And I'm still happy to visit Highlands, while I decide how much longer it will be in my life.

Welcome, June.

Making space

I finally emptied out Mark's nightstand drawers.  

I find a personal item and it brings it all back full circle.  He is gone, and he does not care about any of this stuff.  All of the things here belong to me now.  This pair of eyeglasses I remember well - I thought they looked great on him.  They are now going to bless someone else who needs glasses, next month when I go for my own eye exam. I think he would approve.

Dream feelings about Mark

Me and my "handyman" 

I had a gaping and jagged edge hole in my floor and Mark was suddenly here, fixing it with his table saw and some plywood.  He didn't look the same - had longish hair and was thin, and he didn't say much, but I knew it was him and I was relieved that he was taking care of it.  I thought: wait - this is impossible, it can't be. But other people were also in the background of my dream and they saw him, too. I woke up from this very short dream and I felt so sad I immediately started crying.  Trying to shake myself out of it was hard - it stayed with me all day.  

Friend #1 I just told her I dreamt about Mark.  She responded with "hope it was a positive experience".  I told her how sad it made me feel, and she immediately ended the convo with "well, I hope the rest of your day goes well."

Friend #2 was much more understanding, pointing out to me that there is no timeline for grieving, don't downplay it for anyone, and this was likely part of that and not out of the norm.  She also reminded me that people who care about me hurt alongside me and are not just going to ignore what I am telling them with flip response. That was comforting to me, and I was able to put the dream out of my mind and get on with my morning.

Friend #3 is into dream interpretation, so she told me: dreaming about a deceased partner signifies you miss them and still grieve for them OR you are going through a major transition OR in your dream he is guiding you to address something you've been putting off.  She said the beneficial traits of him are being offered to me as a blessing from him.  That was also comforting to me, and all of it made some sort of sense.  She also said whether you fix something yourself or hire someone to do what Mark used to, you got this. 

     I so wish I felt like I got this - some days I almost do.  

The eulogy I never posted

Mark's memorial at Highlands was a year ago today. I wrote my first ever eulogy while I was shell-shocked and bewildered.  I had no idea what I could say to my kids to give them peace, because I had no peace myself.  But I managed to put together something, much like I did the obituary.  Only time will tell if my kids remember this day and the words that were honest and heartfelt.  

In advance of this eulogy for Mark, I want to ask that each of you to feel that you, too, can share your thoughts about him, whenever it feels right for you to do so. The beauty of us being out here together, as family, is that we can feel supported and uplifted by each other as we reflect and remember.

To that end, I would like to offer this prayer:

God, we are gathered here today as the family of our husband, father, and brother in law who has departed from this world and come into your presence. Lord, it is not easy for us to stand here and eulogize him, but we know that he is now together with You in heaven and in no pain or sorrow. As we honor him, let the unconditional love that you showered upon him during his life fill Highlands. Help us to learn how to love and support each other in this time of sadness, loss, and celebration of life. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

Its been 8 months since Mark died and Spring, with all of its hope and renewal seems like the perfect time for all of us to gather and celebrate his life and all of the blessings we knew because we loved him and he loved us.

Sometimes blessings happen when you least expect them, and sometimes they are well-disguised! Sometimes they seem like the cruelest thing you can imagine, even in the face of God's greatest mercy. A little background on how it all started...

Mark and I met by accident in 1980 at my high school boyfriends house. He's nice, I thought.

Then later that year I stopped to chat with him while he was actually out on a date – my bad...but I still thought, what a nice guy.

Then sometime later I chatted with he and friend when they stopped to say hello as they were cycling down the seawall in Galveston, and I was laying out sunbathing in my lawn chair with a girlfriend – both of us enjoying our summer home from college. “He's nice!, my friend exclaimed. You should date him!”  I scoffed.

Months later still I bumped into him at a popular college spot in Austin when we were each out with friends. I just kept bumping in to this guy! We spent the evening dancing and laughing.

Our first “real” date happened when he invited me to his 21st birthday party in San Marcos and the rest, was a very obvious blessing.

Its been a challenging 8 months for sure and I do terribly miss bumping into that guy. And I'm sure it will continue to be challenging for some time to come. During these times, its hard to focus on the blessings instead of the loss, but maybe even more important to do so. The less obvious blessing is that he wasn't aware it was his time to go so he wasn't worried, stressed, or frightened by that. He did not linger in pain or fear. That's not what any of us would have wanted for him. It was a relatively quick and natural passing for him. Even though it was traumatic and lingering to all of us, it was a blessing that he did not suffer needlessly.

Mark was my person.  The only one I have ever planned to grow old with.  And I actually did! And we had a full life together. Forty years came and went... along with 2 houses, Highlands, 15 cars, 4 cats, 3 refrigerators, 4 dishwashers, umpteen vacuum cleaners, a boat, 2 canoes, 5 pregnancies, 4 children, 14 jobs, near financial ruin, rebounding success, sad times, happy times, sickness and health.  All of this and more - the full gamut of life together. Good and bad rolled into one huge blessing.

Chains do not hold a couple together in marriage, any more than money or wedding rings.  It is the many tiny invisible threads that sew a couple together and keep them connected over the years.

Everyone here has a Mark/Dad/Mac/Slap Daddy Mac memory to share, maybe many of them, and I hope you will do so here today and all of the days to come. It will help to keep you connected to him, and he to us.

All of us knew his wit, his counsel, his jokes, his hugs, the timbre of his voice.  He was someone we could always lean on. He left a legacy of love in his children, whom he was very proud of, always. My hope is that, in times of trouble, you will hear his voice in your head, remembering his advice and love.

God's mercies and provisions are new every morning. So on a daily basis, we should optimistically ask for and strongly expect: 

the miracles,

blessings,

and breakthroughs

that he provides for us in this life.

We should, in fact, in faith, expect the best.

In closing, I would like to offer this prayer:

Compassionate God, we thank you for the life of Mark who finished this life loving you and trusting in your promises. We thank you for the life and grace you gave him and the peace in which he now resides. Have compassion on our grief, Lord, and fill our hearts with thanksgiving to you. From you comes every good and perfect gift, including the gift of eternal life. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

Ice capades

Please enjoy these pictures of the ice storm effects on my trees while I talk about something that's somewhat related...

Is that limb touching my chimney cap?

Had you asked me what my family would have looked like in early 2023 I would have said that it would look pretty much the same as it did in early 2020.  Knowing that my kids were almost fully independent and off living their own lives, but staying connected to their parents and each other.

Lost power and slowly losing light

In fact, every chance I've gotten since Mark died, I have asked them not to lose touch with each other or with me. I wrote them each a letter in their Christmas card, telling them that for Christmas I wanted to stay connected as a family, for all of us to stay strong, and as their mom, keep seeing and hearing from them.

Its a good thing I have candles and wine

But actually, I rarely hear from them. 

Hello, neighbor's tree

Two of them work long hours which leaves them little free time for relationships, including family.  One of them is married, so that person's free time is spent with a spouse.  And the fourth one is in a different city altogether, and I'm not sure how much effort he puts into it.  This is all making excuses for them and I should not do that.

Ice is pretty, not pretty

I try to remember my 20s and 30s and think it was similar for me, but I did write my mother snail mail letters on the regular and chatted with her on the phone every so often. I saved every letter my mother wrote me back and she has saved all of mine.  They meant something.

Why did I park the truck here

Someone told me that my kids were spoiled with their mom and dad always being there for love and support, and that this is what people that age do.  But it feels terrible to me to be isolated from them, especially now.

I think that they know where they can find me when they need me, and I guess I can find them too.