Telling him about my year - 2024

For 2023, I wrote Mark telling him about my year.  Turns out that 2024 was better, as I had hoped!  I used the blank pages in my planner as a journal, and jotted down monthly thoughts.  I made very few resolutions: limit spending, drink less alcohol, add in exercise, stick to my planner, accomplish one important task per month, spend less time on my phone, read for pleasure. Basically, just take care of my life.

January - Got the back yard fence repaired, replaced Subie headlamp bulb myself!, got legal paperwork for Rustown, repainted the bathroom cabinets, had plumber install new kitchen faucet and  P trap, paid another plumber $$$ to do some major valve repair work outside, water and ice maker went kaput on fridge, took my car into dealer for repairs, took Mom's death certificate to Chase, remembered Mark on his birthday. Thought: Accept uncertainty.

February - Got the Ring app reinstalled on my phone and took over the account, got my chipped front teeth repaired, got his Nationwide retirement rollover sent to my account, got improved lab results from my doc visit, got my car worked on. Thought: Living your best life looks like intentional living on your own terms. 

March - Sent $ to senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom's birthday, put the Baja in my name, cleaned out his dresser, donated all of the vintage camera equipment that Dylan didn't want, got a quote on house repairs and painting, took ham radios to the recycling place, emptied Mom's house with sisters.  Thought: You might not have control over a situation, but you are in control of how you react and move forward. 

April - Dealt with items from Mom's house, mailed Jim's mementos to his daughter, watched the eclipse, bundled cut photinia limbs with Dylan's help, set out the last of the big trash from the attic, took steel cabinet and car pipes to metal recycle center, did some landscaping work, got house repaired and painted, paid a shit ton of money to IRS, started looking in earnest for therapist, lots of crying. Thought: you need to let go of trying to engage people who are not reciprocating.

May - More crying. Started seeing a dietician, cancelled the last wine club, Gray got a new job and is paying his own bills, started walking, experienced a lot of stress at work, took care of large limb that fell in the backyard, gave away some more things from the garage, felt angry over cooking.  Thought: I am a loving, thinking person who can make intelligent choices and live life authentically.  

June - Continued walking, made appts for podiatry/audiology/PCP/vision, paid more attention to my nutrition, took a few of Mom's things over to my sister, cleaned the outside windows, scrubbed and sealed the deck, started an antidepressant, called estranged sisters to get info for executor, got curb wraps for driveway installed.  Thought: I spent some time feeling angry over things I have little control over, but I celebrated small wins to change my mindset.

July - Refined my health goals, got a mammo, did a bunch of small fix-its around the house, went to a movie, got my teeth cleaned, had lab work done, started working with case manager to find therapist.  Thought: Allow yourself to work on your whole life, separate and apart from the bad thing that happened. 

August - Resolved to limit phone time, had the oaks pruned, stopped worrying about the boys, talked to Dylan about moving out, cleaned Grayson's room which was a mistake, did various indoor projects to escape the heat, got the roof inspected.  Thought: If life isn't loveable yet, work on making it so.

September - Lost a bit of weight, had a scalp biopsy done, got my first tattoo, got my flu and RSV vaccines, arranged for Mom and Jim's headstone, got stitches out of scalp, found a therapist, spent some time processing and crying, continued to meet with dietician. Thought: If you don't know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself.

October - Spent time alone at Getaway Cabins in Wimberley, thought of him on our anniversary, followed up with dermatologist about hair loss, continued seeing therapist and dietician, lost a bit more weight, met with financial planner, enjoyed birthday pizza with Dylan and Grayson on Halloween, got a haircut.  Thought: I made a plan to host Thanksgiving based on my peeps being adults, choosing to be together, and accommodating my work schedule. And it was amazing. 

November - Did a food sensitivity test, got a payoff quote for Rustown, met with audiologist, bought a new fire extinguisher, got another tattoo, bought a new car and traded in the truck, sold my old car to Grayson, took myself out to dinner and a concert for my birthday, worked on Thanksgiving Day, made a plan for Christmas.  Thought: I am thankful that my general health is improved.

December - I made it to December with better health and a plan for moving peacefully through the holidays.  I made a couple of creative gifts, stayed within a budget, missed him and felt blue, took the last of Mom's jewelry in to the jeweler for repair, made headway in therapy, went to church on Christmas Eve, enjoyed a peaceful Christmas day with the peeps, went to a movie, worked on a puzzle, started a new cross stitch project, and enjoyed some downtime before the new year. Unlike December 2023, I didn't spend whole days crying or laying on the couch. Thought: I am beginning to thrive.  

Hopefully this recap will look even better in 2025!

My Christmas home, then vs. now

In years past, I was all about creating a beautiful Christmas home for my family.  I went a bit overboard.  It was a bit much.  I see that now.

At the time, it was meaningful to me and I poured so much creativity into it. 

I wanted everyone to feel the love, but I spent so much time making Christmas for everyone else but myself, and it was exhausting.  This year, the only place you will see the kids is on a small tabletop tree on the bookcase. The rest of the house reflects ME, including a slim tree in my bedroom, and a main Christmas tree in the front room.  I wanted the focus of my home to be totally different.  And I don't think my kids will spend any time wondering about it at all.  

A simpler Christmas home means:

*less to clean up around

*less to buy and store

*more energy to focus on the season 

*less stress over all

Its taken me awhile to come to the realization that what I want is more peace for the holidays.  How about you?

Me again

 Thinning hair and all.

Oh, to feel like myself again.

Instead of being depressed, maybe hopeful.  Instead of feeling confused, feeling capable.  Instead of crying most of the day, maybe just a few minutes every now and then when I need to.  The old Gina was strong, and knew her mind. She was organized at home, and loved reading and doing crafty things. She was the main driver in her life, not an unwilling participant.  She had strong opinions and thoughts and expected to be able to express herself fully.  She had Mark, but she also had herself.

I'm getting there.

Cooking

      One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking and Mark.  I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory.  Then I had an epiphany of sorts.

     At the beginning of the summer the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful.  I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.

The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?

     When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything.  There were times I felt overwhelmed. and it became a sore spot in my heart.  I am handling things, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities.  I can't let all of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house.  But cooking is one of the things I can.  It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that.  But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. I can either be crushed under the weight of these things,  or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them.  It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.

Happy things for September 2024

 I am looking forward to September, welcoming Fall, and discovering some happy things.

*I still haven't bought the new fridge, but there is zero rush for that, so I can wait until I find exactly what I want. 

*I am continuing my walking while easing up a little on logging the food and weight.  My plan was to change up my habits and I am moving right along on that.

*Chloe's birthday is coming up!  She will be my new 33 year old, but always my sweet little girlie.  

*Bulky trash pick up is this month and I have ONE thing that I know of to set out!  I have come a long way since 2021 in emptying out my attic and garage and it feels so good.

*I have been reading regularly.

*I will remember Mom every day, but especially on the 28th.

*Taking a MHD on the last Monday of the month.  

My goodness, mind your own

My kids are grown and do not need me to clean their rooms, or cook for them, or basically do ANYTHING for them except exist as their parent. 

So why I felt the need to take care of Grayson's laundry, change his sheets, vacuum his room, and toss out all of his trash is a mystery that I'm just going to chalk up to temporary insanity.

Besides making him very angry at the end of a hard week, it did little to actually help him and it backfired on me in a big way.  Since then, I've been telling myself daily to mind my own business and stop making people around me want to avoid me with my craziness.  Good Lord, its hard to have grown kids living with you, no matter how temporary it may be.

Happy things for August

I have been a busy little beaver, doing all I can to feel better this summer.

There were good things for July which included:

Continued working on my plans for home and self maintenance, doing as many things as I could myself.  I treated the photinia and crepe myrtle. Worked on the grass, patching up a big bare spot and keeping the landscape watered.  Continued to meet with the dietician, and lost a bit of weight. Had a negative mammo and a great follow-up visit with my doc after getting some help to move forward.  Got my teeth cleaned. Started working with a case manager to find a counselor.  Grew my nails out. Cut my hair.  Decided to stop cooking for the boys and worrying about Grayson in general.  Got my car inspected, tires rotated, oil changed, paid tags. Cleaned the carpets. Paid my bills on time. Slept well. Read several books.

Whew!

Good things for August:

*Got reimbursed for Mom's funeral.

*Will look for a new refrigerator, as I have discovered I really want the ice and water dispensers to work!

*Getting the roof inspected again since it is 15 years old. I want to head into winter knowing that my home is protected from the top down.

*Heading into August with a 7 pound weight loss.  So I know that the changes I've made so far are having a positive impact on my health.

*Working with a case manager to find a therapist.  Will continue taking one Monday off work per month as a mental health day.

Doing my best to keep this momentum going!

The biggest project

 Its coming up on three years since Mark died.  I think about how different life is now and how much has stayed the same.  Along with change with my house, there have been changes in myself as well.  I would love to say I have weathered these changes with grace, but most times I felt like I was just being pulled a long in a raging flood of muck.

One of the best things to happen is that I am focused more on my health than I have ever been. And it shocks me to realize how badly I was taking care of myself before.  What was I thinking.

I remember talking to Mark about changes we needed to make and sometimes he was on board, other times, not so much.  There were things that had needed to be done at Rustown for years that we didn't get done, simply because all of our resources were going to Highlands.  And the same can be said about health changes we needed to make.  It kind of makes me feel sad when I think on it. 

All that love poured into Highlands and so little into ourselves.

All I can do is move forward with what I need to do in life.  Not just for my home, but for myself as well.  And I have become the biggest project of all!

Here we go again

 Here we go!

HERE  WE  GO  AGAIN.

Here. We. Go.

Why am I so resistant to taking antidepressants.  Like why is it OK if I support someone else taking them, but not myself?  As my doc said, depression is a treatable illness, just like any other number of things.

But I was so hoping I was done with it.  I didn't factor in Mom dying, which threw things off.  I was looking forward to handling my life, and feeling all the feels on my own. I wanted to experience happiness along with the sadness, and somehow, the meds always blunt everything.  But after a tense and unhappy Thursday evening with me overreacting and acting cray-cray, crying and shaking while my son asked me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? it occurred to me that maybe the chaos I was feeling inside was also being felt outside - by him, and maybe by others.  I'm doing this for me, and them, too.  I want to feel better, in all ways.

So here we go again.

Happy Things for June 2024

 

*The focus this month will be taking charge of my health and my weight, working on habits I want to change: eating late, fast food, no exercise, no time spent on hobbies or pastimes, excessive worry and rumination.  I am putting a plan into action that I think will bring me good results.

*I am done with the garage cleaning and purging, along with cleaning out my mother's home, so that is no longer weighing on me.  I got rid of the last few things I could and stored the rest and I am OK with that as a stopping point.

*On-going conversations with my sister continue as we move through Mom's loss.  While I can't say we are friends, I can say that we are on more common ground.  And we agreed not to stew too much over the sad and stressful last few months.

*Lastly: FINALLY got resolution to retirement account funds I didn't know Mark had.  The money will be rolled over into my own retirement account.  It was not a lot of money, but he earned it and I'm adding it to my long-term pot.

I'm ready for some summer!

Dream feelings #9

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a baking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.

Getting rid of things

 I feel like the purging and organizing has been going on at my house for the entirety of the 2 yrs, 9 mos and 3 days that Mark has been gone.  I know that to some it may seem as though I am just willy-nilly throwing stuff out without stopping to evaluate it's worth.  But I feel certain that I am on the right path for me, managing my possessions and responsibilities. And a lot of these things have no sentiment for me.

Some of them may have value to someone, but that's subjective only.  For each thing I think:  Can I use it? Does it have sentiment for me? If not, is it going to be worth it to store and maintain and remember where it is?  Getting my home in order makes me feel more in control of the space I am now 100% responsible for.   It gives me peaceful and calm feelings to see order instead of chaos.  And managing my home and possessions helps me to focus on other things in life which are not even necessarily things.  So by extension, it helps me manage my life as well.  I think I am on the right track.

Happy things for May 2024

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want the future to look like.  And I think I have decided that I first have to start with changing up my present state.  So, changing up life is my focus for "Happy Things For May".

but also:

*The house is finished being repaired and painted and looks great. Home projects for May are not as time-consuming or costly and include cleaning the A/C coils, refinishing my headlamps, doing a bit more garage organizing (kids' stuff), and selling the cameras.

*My sister and I are on speaking terms, outside of the topic of Mother and are trying to lend each other grief support.  I am going to keep this very surface level, for now.

*Grayson has a new job and seems to enjoy it.  He is paying for his auto insurance and his phone bill.  I choose not to worry about him as much.

My plan is keep this calm momentum into June!

Dream feelings #8

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile...

Why, and who, I feel comfortable asking for help*

 Its really hard for me to ask for help, post-Mark. Its not like I don't need or want the help, it just feels like I am burdening people who shouldn't have to take on my responsibilities.  I guess I have always either felt self-sufficient, or as part of a team who could do most anything.  Now and then Dylan will offer to do something for me and I seem to put him off.  Why is that?  My "kids" are adults now, and letting them help when they can would do a world of good for all of us.

Home sweet home to be repainted soon!

things such as:

*it would help get them to see the big picture of taking care of a home

*it gives you the feel-goods to help someone else 

*a family should help each other - isn't that what we teach kids?

*it would show them how to take care of their own home some day

*Its definitely a productive use of time

*more projects and chores would get done, which would not be a bad thing

*it might make me feel better to have them help me

*siblings that see other siblings pitch in might mirror that effort and offer to help

*we would be working together and spending time together

*sometimes they have good ideas for things

Leave it to a writing prompt to lead me to a realization!

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house. 

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years so clean-up was manageable.  I will plant new lantanas this month, too.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come clear out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs look "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.

The amateur radios, et al.

This will seem like a long rambling story.

About throwing Mark's shit away.

Mark was an amateur radio operator.  He had been interested in it for years, back when CB radios were a thing.  So in the very early 90's he got his radio license.  He commandeered the walk-in closets at both houses to make his very own "ham shack" and climbed around in both attics, installing antennas.  He ALSO installed radios in all of his vehicles, with the associated antennas.  He was a member of several emergency response organizations, taught a radio badge for boy scouts, and participated in several City of Austin Emergency Response drills (remember Y2K?).  Recently I came across all of his licenses and certificates and training manuals and books and notes and ID badges and CRAP and seriously, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.  I cleaned out the drawers I had it all stored in.  Then I turned my attention to the actual radios and etc.

I had pulled all of them out of the master closet and was this close to taking them all to the recycle center when Grayson said, lets sell them I'll help you.  But after a month's time, we both realized we were in over our heads.  So in a fit of  "myGodIcan'tstandthisanymore", I pushed all of it to one side of the garage while I worked on another project. Then I calmly pulled the recycle bin around to the garage and loaded up all of the manuals and cardboard boxes Mark had saved.  I shoved the radios, and a very old chainsaw and drill, into the back of the truck and made an appointment at the recycle center to drop them all off.  I felt a twinge of guilt, then I remembered:

Mark is not his stuff.  Mark neither cares about nor needs ham radios in heaven.  Mark would understand the burden of this stuff and would want me not to be unhappy in my home.  Then I let them go.

P.S.  Someday I will tell the story of how we struck a deal involving ham radios with Mark going to the dentist...

That was hard

About a month ago, I got this card in the mail, sent via the donor people, from someone thanking our family for donor tissue for use in healing of her arm.  Apparently, the tissue was taken from Mark.  This happened back in November of 2023, but we just got the note.  So, the tissue graft was successful.

I'm glad.  That's the point of being a donor. 

I didn't know what to think about it at first.

I shared it with Dylan and Grayson, since they are home with me.  They both quietly and calmly acknowledged it.  It spent a week or two posted on the fridge, then I put it away in the "Mark" file, with all of the other sympathy cards and letters we have received. And while I know Mark would have said something like "very cool!", I can't also help but think it wasn't so.  I'm thankful to know that I honored Mark's wishes and he has the potential of helping others, but still. 

It did wreck me a little bit. 

That was hard.

Things I forgive Mark and myself for*

Well, pretty much everything.

Mark and I did not live the charmed life, weren't perfect parents, and were often disconnected as spouses.  We argued about basic things and had a hard time apologizing.  He was a borderline hoarder, socially outgoing and likeable, super involved with his children.  I was organized and detail focused, balancing home, my job, and child rearing, and was sometimes introverted.

Over the years we disagreed about big things.

In other words, we were human.

I've had to remind myself not to place Mark on some kind of pedestal.  But, he was a truly good person, who loved me only a little less than my own mother did.  I don't regret one minute of my life spent with him, and I hope he would have said the same about me.  No one has a perfect marriage, and what even constitutes that?  We made a life together that produced a beautiful family and we had some very good times mixed in.  And we had real love.

Whenever I beat myself up about what I could have or should have said or done, I remind myself that forgiveness works both ways.  I'm sure he would feel the same if he were here, looking back on our life together.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for March 2024

I made a calendar for myself of all the things I wanted to work on this year at my house.  

One of the first things for March is fixing another shared fence section between me and a neighbor.  Surprisingly, he agreed to cover half of the cost and is going to pay for an extra post, as well.  So including this getting resolved, here are the other happy things for March:

*I sent a money donation to the senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom, who would have been 94 yesterday. 

*I got the Baja put in my name and it was fairly painless.  That's one step forward to getting the issue of the vehicles resolved. 

*My labs came back all "within normal limits" and my cholesterol was "great" - a quote from my doc.  Now I just need to get the reflux in check and I am working hard on that. My weight is stable, too.

*I am almost done selling all of the items I had listed on Ebay. 

*The seasons are changing and Spring is just about here.  I am ready to move forward in many areas of life.  I will keep up my walking program and focus on my health!

Things I wish I could do over*

I'm sure that a lot of people play this game with themselves. If you could only go back in time, right?  Maybe you are remembering a happier time and just want to re-live it.  Recently Grayson told me he wanted to be 16 again -  when he was happy.  My heart broke a little.  Being 16 is something I would do over, too, but for different reasons. 

When I was 16 I lacked discipline and direction.  I dreamed and wished for a life that I wasn't actively working toward achieving.  And I wasn't a particularly nice person because I was so dissatisfied with my life.  I lost my way with my religion, relationships, self-respect.  I made good grades, got my driver's license and a part time job, and attained some status in high school circles.

me at 16

Here's what I would do differently starting at 16:

*focused on what I wanted to do for a living someday, and apply for jobs and opportunities that aligned with that.  I would have maintained a high standard of honesty and hard work, limiting my absenteeism, gaining insight from my peers and supervisors, and learning how to manage my money.

*enjoyed all of the opportunities high school had to offer instead of being so focused on popularity, drill team, and boys. Taken college prep level classes.

*pick the university I wanted to attend based on my future goals, graduated on time, worked part time and kept my grades high. Started applying for post college jobs sooner.

*Dated more than one person.  Said no to things I shouldn't have been doing.  Been responsible for my own health and well-being.  Kept the lines of communication open with my mother.

*Made worthwhile connections and met more people.  Honored family relationships.  Gone to church with my mother.  Taken care of my body and my mental and physical health.  Asked for help.

*Plotted a course, then walked the path, held my head up, made myself proud.

Its like they say:  youth is wasted on the young!

*still following a series of prompts

The kindness of a stranger

     Recently I used Lyft to get a ride to the dealership to pick up Subie. Kitty in the maroon Accord was greeted me like I was someone she knew, smiling and saying "hello!".  She asked about my day and I told her I was picking up my car from repairs.  She told me that her father was a mechanic and she always got his opinion on car repairs. She said "yeah, its always something with a car.  One minute its running fine, then next its a $1300 repair".  "That's funny, I said, that's exactly how much my repair is!"  She said, "so I always ask people I meet: one, what do you do for a living, and two, what brings you joy?"  I told her that what I did for a living and that it did not always bring me joy. I asked her questions about Honda vs. Subaru and why she loved "Garnet" as she lovingly patted the dashboard.  In the blink of an eye, she was dropping me off.  I tipped her a couple of bucks and told her I was sorry that it wasn't much.  She seemed genuinely surprised and delighted and wished me a happy day.

     I know it sounds strange, but I felt like I was supposed to meet her that day.  She got my morning off on the right foot and the rest of the day went smoothly.  I had two very delish breakfast tacos, got a bunch of stuff done around the house, did a bit of shopping and cleaned out my car, went on a walk, made a good dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got ready for work the next day, and slept well. 

car repairs should always be followed by tacos

     I've had that feeling before in brief encounters with people and been in awe of the bigger force in play.  Kitty was like a breath of fresh air on a cold and overcast day when I was dropping big bucks on my 8 year old car during a hugely expensive month. Her kindness and genuine interest in other people gave me perspective and a calm outlook that lasted the rest of my day.  

Happy Things for February '24

 Is it just me, or does it seem like New Year's was just a couple weeks ago?

Also, it seems like I really look forward to January for that fresh start/clean slate feeling.  I am going to keep my head up and find the good.

*the fence is repaired and it cost much less than two other quotes I got.

*the water pressure issue for the house and kitchen was resolved and its soooo nice to have good water pressure and a fully functioning kitchen faucet!

*I started a walking program and while doing so I listen to Ted talks which are helpful.

* I got that big auto pipe outta my garage, a bunch of stuff decluttered from my house.  Progress!

*I'm going to buy a new car, sell mine to Grayson, then sell the Baja and Ridgeline.  Will I regret this?  Right now I can't see a reason why.

Deep breaths - February is off to a decent start.

A time we got along really well*

{Mark's 63rd birthday would have been this coming Wednesday, so this is maybe fitting}

The very last weekend that Mark and I had together was a good one.  We visited a brewery and Italian restaurant in Llano, as well as a winery, then a tasting room, in Mason. At Highlands, I fixed us a simple dinner to enjoy by the firepit.  I remember staying up much later than Mark did.

He was so tired, recovering from a heart attack, but we didn't know this.

our hill, at sundown

On Sunday, Mark slept in until about 9 a.m. while I had gotten up earlier - around 7 a.m.  I made a pot of coffee, then sat on one of the patio chairs to keep an eye and ear out for passing wildlife - geese overhead, deer walking through, and the sounds of the cows mooing on the ranch next door.  He would have said "oh, you're just going to let me sleep the morning away?" as he always did.  I would have gotten him a cup of coffee and started making breakfast. 

I spy a cow

 Until noon we worked on various projects, just putseying around. Mark installed some nice stereo speakers on the outside of the Winnebago, then sat in his chair in the sun, listening to music.  Come up here, I said to him, motioning to the front of the barn.  I knew he hadn't been feeling well and I just wanted him to relax in the shade.  I opened his favorite wine (Lime in the Coconut!) and we sat in chairs facing each other, listening to music and chatting about anything and everything for a couple of hours. It was so comfortable - like two old friends and each others' favorite companion.  In the late afternoon we took a nap, then woke around 6 p.m, loaded up the RV, and headed home.  I remember thinking that we were really connecting, and I swore to myself that the NEXT weekend, we were just going to relax.  No projects, no travel, just time in our chairs in the sun on our hill, soaking up the last bit of summer, together.   

And then the unthinkable happened.

I miss talking with him, most of all. The mundane and the extraordinary.  Catching up on our day or week, swapping stories about our jobs and people we knew, discussing the kids, making plans for Highlands and the future.  And I'm thankful that as that work week wore on, with all of its frustrations and stress, we'd had Sunday together, enjoying each others' company.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts