My Christmas home, then vs. now

In years past, I was all about creating a beautiful Christmas home for my family.  I went a bit overboard.  There were two trees full of ornaments (one specifically for the kids), decorations everywhere, a kitchen garland full of the kids' handmade things from school, photos of them in kitchen magnets and in seasonal frames round the house, a bit of decor in everyone's room and both bathrooms, and lights and decor galore on the outside of the house, and gifts were way. too. many.

And let's not even mention the food.

It was a bit much.  I see that now.

At the time, it was meaningful to me and I poured so much creativity into it. 

I wanted everyone to feel the love - but what about me? For years I spent so much time making Christmas for everyone else but myself, and it was exhausting.  This year, a tabletop tree has one ornament from each "kid" plus some vintage ones I picked up years ago.  That, and the photo of Mark in a a small frame on my bedroom tree are all you will see of them.  The rest is for me. I want the focus of my home at Christmastime to be totally different.  And I don't think my kids will spend any time wondering about it at all.  A simpler Christmas home means:

*less to clean up around

*less to buy and store

*more energy to focus on the season 

*less stress over all

Its taken me awhile to come to the realization that although I do put out some very sentimental decor that makes me happy, what I want is more peace for the holidays.  How about you?

Me again

 Thinning hair and all.

I told the therapist that what I wanted most was to feel like myself again.

Instead of being depressed, maybe hopeful.  Instead of feeling confused, maybe feeling capable.  Instead of crying most of the day, maybe just a few minutes every now and then when I need to.  The old Gina was strong, and knew her mind. She was organized at home, and enjoyed shopping and cooking and decorating the house.  She loved reading and doing crafty things.  She loved spending time with family.  She was the main driver in her life, not an unwilling participant.  She had strong opinions and thoughts and expected to be able to express herself fully.  She had Mark, but she also had herself.

So that's what I'm working on - finding me again.

Cooking

      One day I was standing at the stove, singing along to music and cooking dinner when the random thought popped into my head that Mark was still dead. At the time, I did not make the connection between cooking (which I have felt angry about lately) and Mark.  In any case, I let that realization sink in, then went right back to the music and cooking and didn't think about it again until the therapist asked me something that sparked a memory.  Then I had an epiphany of sorts.

     At the beginning of the summer I suddenly felt "over" cooking.  In fact, the whole planning, shopping, preparing, and cooking thing made me feel rageful.  I chalked it up to the heat, and my recent focus on my health, weight, and depression. And the boys didn't need me to feed them - they are adults. But I think it goes deeper than that.

The trick will be...what to eat if I'm not cooking?

     When Mark died, I was suddenly in charge of everything.  There were times I felt overwhelmed.  In fact there are still things to get rid of or sell, things to fix around the house. Over time, this has become a sore spot in my heart.  I am handling things as best I can, but I feel resentful of all of the added responsibilities.  Truth be told, I was feeling that before he died, but as in most marriages, we assumed roles and responsibilities that lasted for years.  It was a subject I wanted to broach with Mark and work on changing so that we were equal partners in all aspects of our life together.  We just never got to do that. 

     What control do I have over that now?  I can't let some of those responsibilities go - I'm still in charge of the house.  But cooking is one of the things I can.

      It doesn't change the reality that Mark is still gone, and I get that.  But just like emptying the garage and selling Highlands, it gives me a little bit of control over some things in my life. It puts me in a position where I can either be crushed under the weight of these things,  or liberated by the freedom to decide how to deal with them.  It doesn't make it easier either way, but I think the choice is clear.

Happy things for September 2024

 I am looking forward to September, welcoming Fall, and discovering some happy things.

*I still haven't bought the new fridge, but there is zero rush for that, so I can wait until I find exactly what I want.  However, I am getting a new tablet as a thank you gift from my employer!  I can use it for watching movies, learning some weight exercises, and blogging. 

*I am continuing my walking while easing up a little on logging the food and weight.  My plan was to change up my habits and I am moving right along on that.

*Chloe's birthday is coming up!  She will be my new 33 year old, but always my sweet little girlie.  

*Bulky trash pick up is this month and I have ONE thing that I know of to set out!  I have come a long way since 2021 in emptying out my attic and garage and it feels so good.

*I have been going to the library regularly and its a good change of pace from buying books from Amazon or Goodwill.

*I will remember Mom every day, but especially on the 28th.

*Taking a MHD on the last Monday of the month.  Maybe I will work on my Fall wardrobe. September means the last bit of summer - how will I spend it?  I have some ideas...

My goodness, mind your own

My kids are grown and do not need me to clean their rooms, or cook for them, or basically do ANYTHING for them except exist as their parent. 

So why I felt the need to take care of Grayson's laundry, change his sheets, vacuum his room, and toss out all of his trash is a mystery that I'm just going to chalk up to temporary insanity.

Besides making him very angry at the end of a hard week, it did little to actually help him and it backfired on me in a big way.  Since then, I've been telling myself daily to mind my own business and stop making people around me want to avoid me with my craziness.  Good Lord, its hard to have grown kids living with you, no matter how temporary it may be.

Happy things for August

I have been a busy little beaver, doing all I can to feel better this summer.

There were good things for July which included:

Continued working on my plans for home and self maintenance, doing as many things as I could myself.  I treated the photinia and crepe myrtle. Worked on the grass, patching up a big bare spot and keeping the landscape watered.  Continued to meet with the dietician, and lost a bit of weight. Had a negative mammo and a great follow-up visit with my doc after getting some help to move forward.  Got my teeth cleaned. Started working with a case manager to find a counselor.  Grew my nails out. Cut my hair.  Decided to stop cooking for the boys and worrying about Grayson in general.  Got my car inspected, tires rotated, oil changed, paid tags. Cleaned the carpets. Paid my bills on time. Slept well. Read several books.

Whew!

Good things for August:

*Got reimbursed for Mom's funeral - no small thing. That went right back into my emergency savings.

*Will buy a new refrigerator, as I have discovered I really need the ice and water dispensers to work!

*Getting the roof inspected again since it is 15 years old and it may be time for a new one.  I want to head into winter knowing that my home is protected from the top down.

*Heading into August with a 7 pound weight loss.  So I know that the changes I've made so far are having a positive impact on my health. Next to add: weights.

*Working with a case manager to find a therapist.  Will continue taking one Monday off work per month as a mental health day.

Doing my best to keep this momentum going!

Thinking about holiday gifting

I am already thinking about the holidays and what I want them to look like.  For the last couple of years, I have written notes in my day planner about how much I spent, what I did, and how I felt about the holiday in general.  The goal is to move gracefully through the holidays, finding meaning, and having a connection to those I love.  Gift giving is part of that.  In the past, Mark and I did not always succeed at the whole gift-giving thing, for our kids or ourselves.  As the years went on, we had more money to spend, but the gifts felt less thoughtful somehow.

Case in point: the Yeti blanket that I thought would be fun to keep in the truck to use at Highlands for picnics, or at wineries in case of limited seating. At $200 it was not a cheap purchase, but came with its own zippered case, making it totally portable.  The minute he opened it he asked "what is this for?".  In my defense we were all about the picnic-ing life at the time.  Sipping a glass of wine, enjoying charcuterie, listening to music... These were things I enjoyed with him, so splurging on something that supported that activity seemed worthwhile.  I think we used it once.

But it missed the mark as a gift, no pun intended.

So now, its my "lay out in the backyard sun by myself" blanket.

******

I'm sure I'm not the only person who hasn't gotten the knack of gift-giving down over the years, and I think that's normal.  I just want to enjoy the holidays with more intention. I want the people who I choose to spend time with know that they are important to me, and gifts are such a small part of that.  But I would love it if they could be delighted, knowing I have given it some thought. 

The biggest project

 Its coming up on three years since Mark died.  I think about how different life is now and how much has stayed the same.  Along with change with my house, there have been changes in myself as well.  I would love to say I have weathered these changes with grace, but most times I felt like I was just being pulled a long in a raging flood of muck.

One of the best things to happen is that I am focused more on my health than I have ever been.  Lip service gave way to real improvement.  And it shocks me to realize how badly I was taking care of myself before.  What was I thinking.

I remember talking to Mark about changes we needed to make in our life and sometimes he was on board, other times, not so much.  There were things that had needed to be done at Rustown for years that we didn't get done, simply because all of our resources were going to Highlands.  And the same can be said about health changes we needed to make.  It kind of makes me feel sad when I think on it. 

All that love poured into Highlands and so little into ourselves.

All I can do is move forward with what I need to do in life.  Not just for my home, but for myself as well.  And that has become the biggest project of all.

Here we go again

 Here we go!

HERE  WE  GO  AGAIN.

Here. We. Go.

Why am I so resistant to taking antidepressants.  I don't really have an answer to that.  I had a friend ask me recently.  Like why is it OK if I support someone else taking them, but not myself?  As my primary care doc (an Internist) said, depression is a treatable illness, just like any other number of things.

I mean, I get that.

But I was so hoping I had crossed that hump off the list last year and was done with it.  I didn't factor in Mom dying, which threw off the whole ball of wax.  I was looking forward to handling my life, you know?  Feeling all the feels on my own. I wanted to experience happiness along with the sadness, and somehow, the meds always blunt everything.  But after a tense and unhappy Thursday evening with me overreacting and acting cray-cray, crying and shaking while my son asked me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? it occurred to me that maybe the chaos I was feeling inside was also being felt outside - by him, and maybe by others.  {Although, I guess he could have been kinder about it}  I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this for them.  I want to feel better, in all ways.

So here we go again.

The daily routine

I get so tired of feeling "at loose ends" on my days off.  You would think that I have not only plenty of time to get things done, but also plenty of time leftover for actual fun and relaxation.  No time for boredom, right?  Somewhere in the middle is true.  Most of the time, I underestimate the time it will take me in the mornings to finally get moving and get something done besides the Wordle or mindless scrolling on Instagram.  (I finally had to uninstall Instagram and deactivate FaceBook because my phone useage was ridiculous) I came up with a loose plan for my days that I actually wrote down, so that I could direct myself and give some balance to life.  My goal was to have some productive time, some relaxation time, and some self care time.  

*Get up at 6 a.m. 

*get coffee, sit on my deck

*make a To Do list for the day

*take my heartburn med at 8 (this will end soon), do a minor chore like empty the dishwasher or make my bed, then fix and eat breakfast. Clean the kitchen up.

*Work on what ever I have on my To Do list and lately, there's not enough there to keep me occupied all day.  Mostly because I see certain things on the list and think "oh, I'll never get that done its too BIG" and so it gets put off

*lunch at 1 p.m., almost always at home

*its too hot to do anything but I force myself to either walk, go run some errands (i.e. leave the house, sit in the sun for a little while, or read

*Dinner at 6 p.m., almost always something I cook

*more reading, or find a small chore to do that didn't get done during the day, shower

*Lights out at 930 p.m., listening to a short meditation if I am not sleepy enough

My mother used to tell me she had nothing to write me about because she "leads a boring life".  But I feel like that is happening to myself as well and its so ironic, given the things I do manage to do in those four days' time.  And I think she must have been referring the the mental boredom of going through the day with only her thoughts.  She had chickens, a garden, a dog, 42 games to play on Wednesdays, trips to the library, pickles and jams to preserve, quilts to complete, certain shows she loved to watch, among other things.  But I struggle to come up with a list of  "Things Other Than Chores to Occupy My Time".

I don't want to garden.  I don't want to deal with a pet. I'm not retired yet and I can still drive.  I read blogs by other women in similar circumstances and I wonder how they avoid going batty.  I plan on investigating various continuing education opportunities, and maybe some freelance something or other.  Investigating some hobbies. Getting started is the hardest part. 

Suggestions are welcomed.

Happy Things for June 2024

 

*The focus this month will be taking charge of my health and my weight.  Mostly I am working on habits I want to change: eating late, fast food, no exercise, no time spent on hobbies or pastimes, excessive worry and rumination.  I am putting a plan into action that I think will bring me good results.

*I am done with the garage cleaning and purging, along with cleaning out my mother's home, so that is no longer weighing on me.  I got rid of the last few things I could and stored the rest and I am OK with that as a stopping point.  In the Fall, I will reassess.

*On-going conversations with my sister continue as we move through Mom's loss.  While I can't say we are friends, I can say that we are on more common ground.  And we agreed not to stew too much over the sad and stressful last few months.

*Lastly: FINALLY got resolution to retirement account funds I didn't know Mark had (I think he forgot, too).  The money will be rolled over into my own retirement account.  It was not a lot of money, but he earned it and I'm adding it to my long-term pot.

I'm ready for some summer!

Dream feelings #9

 Teddy:

     Someone handed me a ring and I understood it immediately to be an engagement ring from Mark.  (Not a memory of our previous engagement - a whole new one)  It was a flat, medium width band, in silver, with a brushed finish, and a single smallish diamond in the center. I thought: Why didn't Mark give this to me himself? I noticed it had a strange mechanism on it, like a sort of hook and eye that was designed to hold it together with another ring.  While I was googling about that to see how it worked I heard a baking and commotion just outside. I looked out through a door into a yard.  It was dark outside.  There was a porchlight illuminating the back of Mark who was wearing a tan coat and had a dog (Teddy?) on a leash. I turned away for a second and the barking and growling got louder, and I could tell there was a dog fight happening.  I heard Mark shout: "Ranger!* Retreat!".  I stood back in the doorway looking out into the night and Mark was nearer, throwing something heavy into the trashcan next to the door.  He said in a very anguished, loud voice "He's dead. Dead!". I heard Mark's voice very clearly, full of despair, and I could tell he was so upset.  The dream ended.  I felt very sad and as it was 4:30 a.m. I just went ahead and got up for the day.

There's so much for me to unpack here:

The details of the ring

Me thinking lately about what Chloe will do when Teddy dies

The neighbor's dog, Ranger, has barked and growled at me several times and I am so irritated with Joe, his owner.

A tan coat?

The emotion in Mark's voice

Were the dogs just a metaphor?  Dogs in my dreams = fear

Yuck. What a way to start my workweek.

Getting rid of things

 I feel like the whole purging and organizing things has been going on at my house for the entirety of the 2 yrs, 9 mos and 3 days that Mark has been gone.  It couldn't begin before that because he was resistant to the idea of paring down our things in order to move to the next step.  I know that to some it may seem as though I am just willy-nilly throwing stuff out without stopping to evaluate it's worth.  For Grayson, he will see the pile of things I am getting rid of and look through them saying this might be worth something or you should keep this, you might want it someday.  But I feel certain that I am on the right path for me, managing my possessions and responsibilities.  After all, I am not operating a storage unit over here.  And a lot of these things have no family history for me.

Some of them may have value to someone.  But the value of an object is subjective only.  For each thing I think:  Can I use it? Does it have sentiment for me? If not, is it going to be worth it to store and maintain and remember where it is?  I have no wish to keep obsolete items from the past that have no use in the present.  Getting my home in order makes me feel more in control of the space I am now 100% responsible for.   It gives me peaceful and calm feelings to see order instead of chaos.  And managing my home and possessions helps me to focus on other things in life which are not even necessarily things.  So by extension, it helps me manage my grief as well.

I think I am on the right track, and I have really gotten so much done.  But since we are about to roll into summer, I will wrap up any organizing projects and move on to some personal and creative pursuits for awhile. 

Stayed tuned, though, because you haven't see the last of my garage!

Happy things for May 2024

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want the future to look like.  And I think I have decided that I first have to start with changing up my present state.  So, changing up life is my focus for "Happy Things For May".

but also:

*The house is finished being repaired and painted and looks great. Home projects for May are not as time-consuming or costly and include cleaning the A/C coils, refinishing my headlamps, doing a bit more garage organizing (kids' stuff), and selling the cameras.

*My sister and I are on speaking terms, outside of the topic of Mother and are trying to lend each other grief support.  I am going to keep this very surface level, for now.

*Grayson has a new job and seems to enjoy it.  He is paying for his auto insurance and his phone bill.  It seems like he is drinking less - at least I hope so.  I choose not to worry about him as much.

My plan is keep this calm momentum into June!

Dream feelings #8

An obviously grown Grayson:

Giving me a skeptical look

After a long while of not having any particular dream to remember or blog about, I had a short disjointed two-part on a Sunday morning:

I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Mark was in his favorite spot on the couch in the den.  I was fixing spaghetti, with green beans as a side.  I was looking around in the cabinet for the seasoning I wanted to use and suddenly was holding a bottle of spice mix that I was unfamiliar with and did not purchase.  At that moment Mark said something to the effect of buying what he wanted me to use in the dinner.  I felt annoyed, like he had stepped on my toes, and I added far too much seasoning to the pan.  The more I stirred, the more spice appeared and I was thinking "now how am I going to fix this?".  The scene abruptly changed and I was in my bathroom at the tub, leaning over and looking into the water.  I understood Grayson (as a toddler) to be taking a bath.  The water was cloudy with soap, and he was underwater, holding his breath, so I could just make out the shape of him.  He surfaced and I said, "honey, this water is way too cold" as I started running the hot water into it.  He seemed to get smaller/younger and once again slipped under the water.  Then the dream abruptly ended as the alarm went off. 

Would I label this one as a nightmare?  Reading over what I wrote brought the "feelings" of the dream back to me, and it wasn't really a memory that made me smile...

Why, and who, I feel comfortable asking for help*

 Its really hard for me to ask for help, post-Mark. Its not like I don't need or want the help, it just feels like I am burdening people who shouldn't have to take on my responsibilities.  I know that's an extreme way to look at that.  I guess I have always either felt self-sufficient, or as part of a team who could do most anything (me and Mark, of course).  Now and then Dylan will offer to do something for me and I seem to put him off.  Why is that?  My "kids" are adults now, and letting them help when they can would do a world of good for all of us.

Home sweet home to be repainted soon!

things such as:

*it would help get them to see the big picture of taking care of a home

*it gives you the feel-goods to help someone else 

*a family should help each other - isn't that what we teach kids?

*it would show them how to take care of their own home some day

*Its definitely a productive use of time

*more projects and chores would get done, which would not be a bad thing

*it might make me feel better to have them help me

*siblings that see other siblings pitch in might mirror that effort and offer to help

*we would be working together and spending time together

*sometimes they have good ideas for things

Leave it to a writing prompt and my own stream of consciousness to lead me to a realization!

*I'm following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for April 2024

*I'm getting Rustown painted, but more importantly, repaired in various areas where there is wood rot.

The painter will also remove outside speakers, part of a weather station, and replace some light fixtures, in addition to power washing the house.  This project is a long time coming as I had tried to convince Mark that it needed to be done years ago.  He would always insist we could sell the house "as is".  But if I'm going to stay here for any length of time, I want to have this done so I can continue to enjoy my home.

*The weather is full-on Spring and I could not be more pleased.  I've been mowing, raking, and fertilizing the grass.  A few weeds make little difference to me. The oaks trees dropped fewer leaves and pollen pods than in recent years (probably due to all of the pruning that was done), so clean-up was manageable.  Dylan and Grayson have both helped me with bagging of the leaves, which is actually the most time-consuming thing.  I will plant new lantanas this month and see about getting the sprinkletr system back on-line.

*The executor for Mom's estate let us come spend one day, clearing out all of the personal property we wanted. It was a hard task (physically and emotionally), but it's one more hard thing done. Whatever is left in the house/garage/storage sheds will either go into an estate sale or be donated.  He got the yards managed, too, and will put the property on the market soon, so it feels like we are making progress in wrapping this up. 

*Mental health-wise: last month was rough.  My labs were all done recently, and everything looks "great" per my doc.  I don't have any reason to think that things can't keep moving in a positive direction.  I know there will be sad times mixed in, but I am determined to expect the best.

The amateur radios, et al.

This will seem like a long rambling story.

About throwing Mark's shit away.

It is what it is.

Mark was a ham - an amateur radio operator.  He had been interested in it for years, back when CB radios were a thing.  So in the very early 90's he got his ham radio license.  He commandeered the walk-in closets at both houses to make his very own "ham shack" and climbed around in both attics, installing antennas.  He ALSO installed radios in all of his vehicles, with the associated antennas.  He was a member of several emergency response organizations, taught a radio badge for boy scouts, and participated in several City of Austin Emergency Response drills (remember Y2K?).  Recently I came across all of his licenses and certificates and training manuals and books and notes and ID badges and CRAP and seriously, I felt so overwhelmed by it all.  I cleaned out the drawers I had it all stored in.  Then I turned my attention to the actual radios and etc.

I had pulled all of them out of the master closet a couple years ago and put them in the garage.  No more ham shack! Then from the attic I pulled all of the empty boxes they came in.  That's where I stalled.  I was this close to taking them all to the recycle center when Grayson said, lets sell them I'll help you.  But after a month's time, we both realized we were in over our heads, neither of us knowing anything about how to deal with them.  So in a fit of  "ohmyGodIcan'tstandthisanymore", I pushed all of it to one side of the garage while I worked on another project. (as it turns out, purging more stuff from the garage that I don't want)  Then I calmly pulled the recycle bin around to the garage and loaded up all of the manuals and cardboard boxes.  I shoved the radios, and a very old chainsaw and drill, into the back of the truck and made an appointment at the recycle center to drop them all off.

I'm not going to justify/discuss/explain this to my kids for any reason.

I don't care what it all may have been worth - certainly not the price of my sanity.

I always feel a twinge of guilt, then I remember:

Mark is not his stuff.  Mark neither cares about nor needs ham radios in heaven.  Mark would understand the burden that was placed on me.  Mark would want me not to be unhappy in my home and grieve forever.

P.S.  Someday I will tell the story of how we struck a deal involving ham radios with Mark going to the dentist...

That was hard

About a month ago, I got this card in the mail, sent via the donor people, from someone thanking our family for donor tissue for use in healing of her arm.  Apparently, the tissue was taken from Mark.  This happened back in November of 2023, but we just got the note.  So, the tissue graft was successful.

I'm glad.  That's the point of being a donor. 

I didn't know what to think about it at first.

I shared it with Dylan and Grayson, since they are home with me.  They both quietly and calmly acknowledged it.  It spent a week or two posted on the fridge, then I put it away in the "Mark" file, with all of the other sympathy cards and letters we have received.  {admittedly not that many}  And while I know Mark would have said something like "very cool!", I can't also help but think it wasn't so.  I'm thankful to know that I honored Mark's wishes and he has the potential of helping others, but still. 

It did wreck me a little bit. 

That was hard.

Things I forgive Mark and myself for*

Well, pretty much everything.

Mark and I did not live the charmed life, weren't perfect parents, and were often disconnected as spouses.  We argued about basic things and had a hard time apologizing.  We each had our own agenda, and that caused us to often not be on the same page. He was a borderline hoarder, socially outgoing and likeable, super involved with his children.  I was organized and detail focused, worked hard at balancing home, my job, and child rearing, and was sometimes introverted.

Over the years we disagreed about sex, money, and the kids. We had differing views on what retirement might look like.

In other words, we were human.

I've had to remind myself not to place Mark on some kind of pedestal.  But, he was a truly good person, who loved me only a little less than my own mother did.  I don't regret one minute of my life spent with him, and I hope he would have said the same about me.  We didn't have a perfect marriage, but honestly, who does?  And what even constitutes that?  We made a life together that produced a beautiful family and we had some very good times mixed in.  And we had real love.

Whenever I beat myself up about what I could have or should have said or done, I remind myself that forgiveness works both ways.  I'm sure he would feel the same if he were here, looking back on our life together.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts

Happy things for March 2024

I made a calendar for myself of all the things I wanted to work on this year at my house.  And although I might have procrastinated a bit of the February plans, we still have a good ten months to go.  So I feel sure that I will rally and catch up on my list.

One of the first things for March is fixing another shared fence section between me and a neighbor.  Surprisingly, he agreed to cover half of the cost and is going to pay for an extra post, as well.  So including this getting resolved, here are the other happy things for March:

*I sent a money donation to the senior center in Brenham in honor of Mom, who would have been 94 yesterday.  She spent many happy hours there and made friends, so it made me feel good to remember her this way.  She was generous and believed in charity and tithing.  She was smart with her money and set a great example for us.

*I got the Baja put in my name and it was fairly painless.  That's one step forward to getting the issue of the vehicles resolved.  I feel like March is when we will leap forward with all of that.

*My labs came back all "within normal limits" and my cholesterol was "great" - a quote from my doc.  Now I just need to get the reflux in check and I am working hard on that. My weight is stable, too.

*I am almost done selling all of the items I had listed on Ebay.  It was fairly painless, earned me a little money, and greatly reduced the clutter in my jewelry box.  It has inspired me to get going on the other things I need to sell,

*The seasons are changing and Spring is just about here.  I am ready to move forward in many areas of life.  I would love to keep a forward momentum, but I know rainy days will be mixed in with the sunny ones.  I will keep up my walking program and focus on my health!

Things I wish I could do over*

I'm sure that a lot of people play this game with themselves.  {Its kind of like spending the imaginary Lotto millions you've just won.}  If you could only go back in time and re-do things that you now have 20/20 hindsight on, right?  Maybe you are remembering a happier time and just want to re-live it.  Recently Grayson told me he wanted to be 16 again -  when he was happy.  My heart broke a little.  Being 16 is something I would do over, too, but for different reasons. 

When I was 16 I lacked discipline and direction.  I was chasing things instead of working hard to attain what I wanted.  I dreamed and wished for a life that I wasn't actively working toward achieving.  And I wasn't a particularly nice person because I was so dissatisfied with my lot in life.  I lost my way with my religion, relationships, self-respect.  And all of that was when I had the initial opportunity at maturity, having made good grades, gotten a driver's license and a part time job, and attained some status in high school circles.

me at 16

So.  With that being said.  Here's what I would do differently starting at 16:

*focused on what I wanted to do for a living someday, and apply for jobs and opportunities that would have taught me something as a basis for future endeavors.  While employed I would have maintained a high standard of honesty and hard work, limiting my absenteeism, gaining insight from my peers and supervisors, and learning how to manage my money.

*enjoyed all of the opportunities high school had to offer instead of being so laser-focused on popularity, drill team, and boys. Taken college prep level classes from the get-go.

*pick the university I wanted to attend based on my future goals, graduated on time, working part time and keeping my grades high. Started applying for post college jobs sooner.

*Dated more than one or two people in high school.  Said no to things I shouldn't have been doing.  Been responsible for my own health and well-being.  Kept the lines of communication open with my mother and asked for her input.

*Been a better person overall, made worthwhile connections and met more people.  Told my family I loved them and honored those relationships.  Gone to church with my mother.  Taken care of my body and my overall mental and physical health.  Asked for help.

*Plotted a course, walked the path, held my head up, made myself proud.

Its like they say:  youth is wasted on the young.

*still following a series of prompts

The kindness of a stranger

     Recently I used Lyft to get a ride to the dealership to pick up Subie. Normally, the driver isn't talkative, but Kitty in the maroon Accord was very different.  She greeted me like I was someone she knew, smiling and saying "hello!".  She asked about my day and I told her I was picking up my car from repairs.  She told me that her father was a mechanic and although they did not live close, she always got his opinion on car repairs. She said "yeah, its always something with a car.  One minute its are running fine, then next its a $1300 repair".  "That's funny, I said, that's exactly how much my repair is!"  She was so confident and out-going, and talky.  She said, "so I always ask people I meet: one, what do you do for a living, and two, what brings you joy?"  I told her that what I did for a living and that it did not always bring me joy....and I was still trying to decide for myself how to find joy after two years of widowhood.  I asked her questions about Honda vs. Subaru and why she loved "Garnet" as she lovingly patted the dashboard. (which is something I always do with Subie)  In the blink of an eye, she was dropping me off at the dealership.  I tipped her a couple of bucks and told her I was sorry that it wasn't much.  She seemed genuinely surprised and delighted and wished me a happy day.

     I know it sounds strange, but I felt like I was supposed to meet her that day.  She got my morning off on the right foot and the rest of the day went smoothly.  I had two very delish breakfast tacos, got a bunch of stuff done around the house, had a great lunch at home, did a bit of shopping and cleaned out my car, went on a walk, made a good dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got ready for work the next day, and slept well.  It was a good day.

car repairs should always be followed by tacos

     I've had that feeling before in brief encounters with people and been in awe of the bigger force in play.  Kitty was like a breath of fresh air on a cold and overcast day when I was dropping big bucks on my 8 year old car during a hugely expensive month. Her kindness and genuine interest in other people gave me perspective and a calm outlook that lasted the rest of the day.  

Happy Things for February '24

 Is it just me, or does it seem like New Year's was just a couple weeks ago?

Also...it seems like I really look forward to January for that fresh start/clean slate feeling, then various things happen that take a little of the shine off.  I am going to keep my head up as best I can and find the good.

*the fence is repaired and it cost much less than two other quotes I got.

*the water pressure issue for the house and kitchen was resolved and its soooo nice to have good water pressure and a fully functioning kitchen faucet!

*I started a walking program and while doing so I listen to various Ted talks which are helpful.  I am changing the way I look at grieving - very eye-opening.

* I got that big auto pipe outta my garage, a bunch of stuff decluttered from my house, and Grayson is helping me sell the ham radios.  Progress!

*I'm going to buy a new car, sell mine to Grayson, then sell the Baja and Ridgeline.  Will I regret this?  Right now I can't see a reason why.

Deep breaths - February is off to a decent start.

A time we got along really well*

{Mark's 63rd birthday would have been this coming Wednesday, so this is maybe fitting}

The very last weekend that Mark and I had together was a good one.  I remember big chunks of it, and  I fill in with what I know we probably did.  We visited a brewery and Italian restaurant in Llano, as well as a winery, then a tasting room, in Mason. At Highlands, I would have fixed us a simple dinner to enjoy by the firepit.  I do remember staying up much later than Mark did.

He was so tired, recovering from a heart attack, but we didn't know this.

our hill, at sundown

On Sunday, Mark would have slept in until about 9 a.m. while I had gotten up earlier - usually around 7 a.m.  I made a pot of coffee, then sat on one of the patio chairs to keep and eye out for passing wildlife - geese overhead, deer walking through, and the sounds of the cows mooing on the ranch next door.  He would have said "oh, you're just going to let me sleep the morning away?" as he always did.  I would have gotten him a cup of coffee and started making breakfast. 

I spy a cow

 Until afternoon we worked on various projects, just putseying around. Mark installed some nice stereo speakers on the outside of the Winnebago, then sat in his chair in the sun, listening to music on them.  Come up here, I said to him, motioning to the front of the barn.  I knew he hadn't been feeling well and I just wanted him to relax in the shade.  I opened his favorite wine (Lime in the Coconut!) and we sat in chairs facing each other, listening to music and chatting about anything and everything. {I so wish I could remember exactly what we talked about - we were sitting there for a couple of hours}  It was so amiable - like two old friends and each others' favorite companion.  In the late afternoon we took a nap, then woke around 6 p.m, loaded up the RV, and headed home.  I remember thinking that afternoon that we were really connecting, and I swore to myself that the NEXT weekend, we were just going to relax.  No projects, no travel, just time in our chairs in the sun on our hill, soaking up the last bit of summer.   

And then the unthinkable happened.

I miss talking with him, most of all. The mundane and the extraordinary.  All of it - 

catching up on our day or week, swapping stories about our jobs and people we knew, discussing the kids, making plans for Highlands and the future....  And I'm thankful that as that week wore on, with all of its frustrations and stress, we'd had Sunday together, enjoying each others' company.

*I am following a series of prompts for a few posts